An Apology to Glenn Beck… Sort Of

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May 7, 2010

Glenn, here at Randomology, I’ve made it my mission to expose you for the lying, delusional, self-righteous prick I so honestly believe you are. I have had to sit through hours of your shows to pick apart your wild conspiracy theories designed to scare Americans into violence and to sell your ridiculous ghost-written books. I do this both for my own amusement at the final product and as a service to those who know better than to sit and watch or listen to you.

But, Beck… I’m worried about you.

This is no longer fun. You’re scaring me.

Glenn, this is Michel talking. Not Entropy Echo, not Randomology. Glenn, you have officially gone monkey-frak crazy. You’ve reached the level of the crazy guy on the corner of Houston Street and I-35. Glenn, the wheel’s turning, but the hamster’s dead.

Behold. The evidence…

As well as Part 2, Part 3, and Part 4.

You went on your show last week and put together a complex web of conspiracies that went from the US Patent Office, to Obama, to Al Gore, to cap and trade and global warming, Goldman Sachs, and a new global government. All of this, you claimed, was an effort to get ten trillion dollars for the president and his friends.

Yes, you read that right. Ten TRILLION dollars.

And you did this with a perfectly straight face.

I think Media Matters did a pretty good job of basically destroying your theory in step one, so I’ll just get to what I want to apologize for.

Rachel Maddow, Keith Olbermann, and slews of reporters, journalists, and bloggers across the world have spent months picking you apart. I don’t agree with everything these men and women say, but most agree that you are a fountain of misinformation and propaganda. I joined them a few months ago on the idea that we were deconstructing the claims of a poorly-educated, semi-illiterate, paranoid with delusions of grandeur.

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I had no idea we were in fact dealing with a full-blown mental patient. I no longer believe that you are leading the American public on some conservative agenda. I no longer believe you are disingenuous and a joke.

I now feel sorry for you. You truly believe these things you say. With all respect to John Stewart, you do not see the glass as half empty or half full. You see a dragon.

Glenn, you’ve lost hundreds of sponsors and a third of your audience in the last few months since the disaster that was you calling out Jesus Christ as a communist and Nazi and now… now that you had to only read a small ad for the Vermont Teddy Bear Company… Teddy bears, Glenn!

And they were scented!

You went and did this:

Mother’s Day? Seriously? Never mind the fact that the woman who invented Mother’s Day, not Woodrow Wilson, actually fought against it in her later years, but this is someone offering you a life preserver as you’re drowning and you go and pull one of your anti-progressive rants in the middle of a PAID advertisement?

This by itself would just point to more of the same short-sightedness, like when you claimed you have the best research team working for you and none of them apparently know how to use Google.

That would be different.

Except now you’re claiming that God Himself is talking to you and dictating this Plan of yours. When I first heard of the Plan, I thought you’d been watching too much Battlestar Galactica and you were starting to suspect you yourself were a Cylon.

No, Glenn, you’re now claiming that God is speaking directly to you. He is giving you signs. He will guide you and those who follow you in the coming Armageddon, this darkness you claim is coming.

Well, you know what they say about God talking directly to you.

You are beyond a simple megalomaniac on television and radio. You believe, you honestly believe, that you are a prophet of God. Just because you don’t know the meaning of the word “prophet,” doesn’t mean it’s not what you hold true in your little hollow head.

Glenn Beck, I, Michel Martín del Campo, apologize.

I don’t eat food in front of the homeless. I don’t laugh at commercials of starving children in Africa. I don’t make fun of people with physical or mental handicaps. It’s in poor taste and one of the drawbacks to having some sense of decorum and civility.

So Glenn, from to you, I extend a sincere apology. You are insane and I should know better than to pick on someone with such severe mental handicaps. When I engage in a battle of wits, I usually assume the opponent is armed. Not so with you. You didn’t even bring a potato gun to the gunfight.

Get help, if not for you, then at least for your family. I promise you, Glenn, that the doctors are not going to implant a chip in your brain. They are not working for the lizard-people either. And we won’t tell the death panels about you.

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