An Open Letter to the Arizona State Legislature, Part II

Oh, it will make sense when you read the article.

May 5, 2010

You can read Part 1 here.

I am clearly a threat to this country.

Let’s face it. Racial profiling is going to happen in Arizona. It already has. I went to great lengths to explain why this law is so wrong in the previous article, but now it’s spreading. The consensus from many conservative pundits is that racial profiling is necessary. We need to do this. Look at the terrorists who destroyed the World Trade Center! They all looked alike, didn’t they? As does every terrorist we’ve dealt with, right?

Okay… maybe not.

Here’s the deal. Racial profiling is illegal and wrong because it targets based on race. The idea that you can tell a criminal apart from a civilian just based on looks is stupid, but if you want to take this to its extreme, Arizona, I have a new proposal for you. Given your willingness to bend constitutional rights for the sake of security and economics, I’m sure you’ll be excited for this one.

It’s called the Rich White Guy Prevention Act of 2010.

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It’s simple. Rich white guys tanked our economy. People with educations and high-level positions on Wall Street lied and cheated us out of our money. Clearly, in order to prevent this kind of thing from happening without having to resort to the financial reform some conservatives don’t want, we need to get at the root of the problem. Kind of how you want to destroy the kidnapping and drug rings in Arizona by targeting brown people.

Say goodbye to your breakfast tacos, muchachos.

Anyway, when the Rich White Guy Prevention Act of 2010 passes, the government will have the authority to target and detain any white guy who looks rich and may work in Wall Street. He will be asked to produce tax documentation proving his income is legitimate. If the white guy does not have proper documentation, he may be detained until such a time as federal authorities can determine if the white guy has ever cheated and lied for his money.

If you’re white, you have to understand that while not every white guy is a Wall Street crook, every Wall Street crook is white. They started it.

I know what you’re thinking. And I already thought of it.

“But, Michel,” you say, “that’s sexist! What about the women?”

Oh, we both know there are, like, fifteen female CEOs in the top Fortune 500 companies. I’m sure we won’t get any of them.

Truth is, many rich white guys will oppose this measure, but that just shows how blind they are to the problem rich white guys pose to this country. Besides, I’m not against ALL rich white guys. I know some rich white guys. I’m talking about CRIMINAL rich white guys, the ones who helped put us in the worst recession in decades. They’re the ones we need to go after.

Hey Beck! Help me out here!

It should be easy to spot them. You can look at how they dress. They all wear suits and typically drive expensive cars.

“But won’t we end up rounding up white guys who aren’t in business? Maybe the guy’s a doctor!”

Good point. And yet we’re only targeting criminals. Not everyone. This has nothing to do with with your level of income or race. If you’re a criminal, you’ve already broken the law and this new law will just give the government the power to come after rich white guys who’ve made their money illegally. Fox News! Represent!

The Rich White Guy Prevention Act of 2010 is really about helping small business and keeping America safe. After all, don’t we owe it to this country to keep another Wall Street catastrophe from happening? If you don’t email this to your congressman and push to make it a reality, you’re with the terrorists. And you eat live puppies just to hear them scream.

After reading all that, I want you to really think about this…

Is there any reason why these arguments work with immigrants, legal or illegal, or citizens of this country who worked to become citizens, but not anyone else? For months, members of the Tea Party and people like Limbaugh and Beck have been crying about the government coming to take you. When I worked in Congress, even before Obama was elected, we were getting scared and angry letters and phone calls asking us if Obama was going to come after the guns. Then came the scare on death panels. Now they say financial reform is a way to spy on your bank account.

Except now we have a real law that comes after American citizens… and the people crying about those ridiculous rumors are all for it!

I get it. You don’t like the hispaniards. The brownies make you uncomfortable. That’s fine. You want to ignore a few basic facts about immigration just to make your little narrative make sense. Just to balance the universe out, I guess I’ll walk across the street the next time I see a white guy in a nice suit coming towards me. He might be planning to give me a loan for a house I won’t be able to pay or worse… he might be after our jobs and our women.

And if you’re Caucasian and you didn’t get the sarcasm in this article, feel free to write an angry, angry email.

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