How to Fight the Lizard People

Get your tin foil cap. This one's going to hurt.

May 17, 2010

I have a love-hate relationship with conspiracy theories.

When I worked as a legislative correspondent in Congress, it seemed like 10% of the mail we received was for legitimate concerns and questions, 30% was rehashed party lines and mass mailings, and the rest were paranoia and craziness from South Texas. You wouldn’t believe some of the theories I read, everything from a secret president ordering mass executions, the end of world brought on by the economic crisis knocking Venus out of orbit, to the Jewish cabals seeking to control us.

And that’s just dumb.

We all know it’s Dick Cheney, in the patented Cheney-Cave, who’s controlling the world.

barack obama and dick cheney
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While theories like this are dangerous because they rely either on illogic or false information, they are also quite fun. What can I say? I get a thrill from watching people jump like Chicken Little at the slightest things.

Lately, though, from Obama’s birth certificate to the allegations that global warming are a scientific hoax, it seems that conspiracy theories are more rampant today than they were even when the X-Files was still airing new episodes. Just for laughs, here are two of the funnier theories I’ve heard.


Oh you know me… I can’t start my day until I listen to good ol’ Rush Limbaugh. Man’s like a shot of caffeine right to the eye, and in the last few days, he’s been accusing Obama of blowing up the oil rig that has now created one of the worst ecological disasters in history.


It’s very simple. See, Obama and his radical left-wing progressive sociocommunazi friends want to force environmental protection regulations that will save us from that fakey global warming hoax. Control carbon emissions today… world government tomorrow! Blowing up the rig, says Limbaugh, gave Obama and the eco-terrorists the ammunition they need to pass bans on off-shore oil drilling.

This disaster serves as an example of just how bad things can get if we don’t act now.

So… environmentalists polluted hundreds of square miles of ocean, killed several workers, killed untold amounts of plant and wildlife, and have created a gaping wound in the ocean floor that still floods the water with toxins… all in an effort to save the environment?

By conservative estimates, the oil spill is worse than the Exxon-Valdez accident. There will be repercussions for decades. Entire ecosystems are destroyed. This is a bit like saying that Saddam Hussein secretly instigated the Gulf Wars in order to boost tourism to Iraq. Also, did you notice how Rush ended his segment? He’s just “asking questions.” Yeah, but you have no answers. Asking the question is not the same as addressing it. Hey Rush, did you take so much OxyContin that your ability to use higher brain functions has been destroyed?

I’m just asking.

Okay, that one was fairly easy and could be attributed to political paranoia, so let’s look at another theory that’s… special.

save the world by ~TenshiMoon on deviantART

Two Suns

Did you know Earth actually has two suns, just like in Star Wars, and NASA is spraying chemicals to hide the fact from us? Oh yes. Our sun actually has a twin star and, if conditions are right, you can see this elusive second star.

Nibiru, which the cameraman mentions, is an object that is supposed to collide with Earth and cause mass devastation.

The theory for this video and others like it is actually very simple. See, the government is trying to hide this from us because… wait, no, it’s the GLOBAL government! It has to be since this has been viewed as far as Russia. Yeah, they’re spraying chemicals in the sky to hide the second sun from us because…


Yeah, this one is stupid to the extreme. While there are videos and photos of these two suns, it’s actually a very simple effect called a sundog. And if you honestly believe that NASA is hiding evidence of a second sun… where was this second sun, oh, say, the last five billion years? Even if there was a star with one percent the output of our parent star, we would see it and FEEL it! For it to be that far in the sky, it would have to be on a large orbit!

Dear gods, people… a second sun and the government is hiding it?!

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Why do people buy into this stuff? Part of me wants to just say that people are stupid and will believe anything. I want to blame a lack of education. I want to blame it all on the laziness to investigate, to really use the scientific method as it was intended instead of coming to a conclusion first, then finding evidence to support it. If you follow that route, you can justify almost anything. Combine it with a public that is frighteningly ignorant of basic science, history, and critical thinking and you get little nuggets of laughter like this woman:

It’s fraking refraction and reflection through water, lady! It’s not a government conspiracy to sterilize you, although, seeing this video, I would endorse such a measure for you!

Conspiracy theories do have one thing in common. All of them have some small basis in truth. They also rely on information that is either wildly contested or on the fringe of data sets. For any scientific experiment of report, there will be lots of numbers, and geniuses like Beck and his “research” team and others looking for the “truth,” any slight inconsistency in the data means that it’s not reliable in the least.

Let me put it this way. Say you want to measure the height of a building and you have a ruler, a yardstick, and a tape measurer. You use all three and come up with 350 inches, 310 inches, and 333 inches. Most people would see these numbers and simply assume, rightly, that there are imperfections in the method used to gather information, but all methods point to a rough height between 310 and 350 inches or about 30 ft.

It takes a special kind of nut to say that the building must be 500 inches high because someone told you that was the height of the building and no one can prove you wrong, so you must be right.

Personally, I love deflating these little conspiracy bubbles. There are few things I hate more than misinformation or the bastardization of science for these kinds of things. I’m all for keeping an open mind about the world, but people, please, learn to think critically. I know the best conspiracy theories have the big bad villain(s) lying to you, forcing you into blind obedience, and making you the victim… but come on!

Next thing you’ll be telling me is that Kennedy and Michael Jackson are hiding in Puerto Rico with Tupac.

If you have any conspiracy theories you’re fond of, share them in the comments below. I’m always on the lookout for more crazies.

10 Replies to “How to Fight the Lizard People”

  1. I must say I’m intrigued by the “two suns” theory. My scientist friends always called those “dog ears,” light reflected by, or rainbows formed in, high-elevation clouds surrounding the sun. If the cloud cover is consistent, you can see a mirror “dog ear” on the other side of the sun. But, since clouds tend to be quite uneven, it’s much more common (at least in the places I’ve lived) to only see one. So, I guess, really there are three suns in our sky.

  2. Okay, I avoid pundits like Beck, Limbaugh, and others who are more entertainers than anything. Additionally, Alex Jones, I’ll grant, goes too far and has lost all sight of reality. BUT … is it at all possible that the federal government is pressuring the media to blow the Zimmerman case out of proportion rather than focusing on bigger issues? It wouldn’t be the first time a government, or even our government, had done that. Those examples you provided (especially two suns) are much more radical than most people are willing to believe, and I feel that you provide extreme examples to lump anyone who believes differently from the status quo into a category of paranoid, uneducated lemmings. It’s not as simple as “conservatives” and “liberals.” You mention Dick Cheney as a conservative, and everyone thinks he wants to take America back to a 1950s lifestyle, but he supports gay marriage. His daughter is a lesbian. This is just ONE example of how “conservative” and “liberal” are terms which have no place in this discussion. If I don’t trust the Obama administration, it’s not because of what news pundits and Alex Jones say. It’s because I can see recorded evidence that Obama has gone back on his word countless times, to a greater degree than Dubya ever did, and has proven to be more talk than anything. What ever happened to fixing the economy? The national debt is ridiculous, yet Obama focuses on catching Snowden (who’s out of our reach now) and publicly taking sides in the Zimmerman case. Speaking of which, would you venture to ask why Zimmerman is plastered all over the news, yet another story is not. I’m talking about a white man who was beat with pipes, rock, etc. on his porch because he asked some neighborhood kids not to play in the middle of the street. The families of the kids are the ones who beat him. As they left, they said, “That’s justice for Trayvon.” While the Zimmerman case is not based on race, this attack most certainly was, yet it goes unreported in the news. Another case of a Missouri boy (white) doused with gasoline and torched on his front porch by two older boys from his own school (black) went unreported as well. Before lighting him, they said, “You deserve this, White Boy!” Okay, I’ll admit I go on rants and start freewriting these things, but all that is left wing is not golden. The same goes for the right. I have a lot of respect for your debating and writing skills, but I feel you cast one side of the picture in a different light than the other side, and therefore, your presentation of the big picture is not as balanced as it should be.

    1. The reason the Treyvon Martin case is news is because Zimmerman admitted to killing a teenager and the police did not arrest him for more than a month. And then, the investigation fell on whether Treyvon was a thug or a criminal of some sort, not whether Zimmerman was actually justified in pulling the trigger. The law is worded in such a way that it’s EXTREMELY difficult to prove murder if the shooter claims self-defense. As shown by another case, a black woman, highly educated, fired warning shots at her abusive husband to protect herself and got twenty years. It’s not just that a youth was killed. It’s that the system worked perfectly and the shooter even got his gun back.

      As for the other cases you mentioned, the reason they’re not national news hinges on a few things. For example, were the perpetrators arrested and tried? If so, then justice was served. If not, then there’s a story there. Please look in that. The outrage, Marshall, stems from the fact that the law made it possible for a scared adult to shoot a kid and get away with it and the victim has received the blame for an altercation the ADULT started.

      As for the government pushing the story, do you have evidence or merely speculation. That’s what I’m talking about. Speculation is fine, but can you back it up? If not, then your speculation is not proof.

      As for Obama, yes, he’s done a lot of things I don’t approve (drones come to mind), but the economy has actually been on the upswing, slowly, over the last few years.

      Cheney may have a gay daughter, but try bringing it up in an interview. He’s been known to STORM off when asked about her in any capacity. He’s ASHAMED. I talk about it in another article.

      So, yes, the article goes over fringe theories, but it’s not about conservative and liberal. It’s about stupid, gullible, and afraid.

  3. The only video that you posted that didn’t say “this video does not exist”, said, “this video is private”. You might want to double-check your video links.

  4. What I’ve read is that they did not arrest him for more than a month because after their initial investigation, the evidence their crime scene investigators put together supported his story, and they had no reason to believe he was guilty of anything other than self defense.
    In determining Martin’s demeanor and previous behavior, they were attempting to establish whether Zimmerman, based on his circumstances and environment at the time of the fight, had any reason to believe the following:

    (1) that Trayvon was a suspicious character (he was an unfamiliar face walking the streets at night in the rain observing houses and walking between a few of them, and he was visually obviously stoned; Zimmerman observed a stoned appearance, and THC was found in his system during the autopsy) and

    (2) that his own life was in danger (Trayvon possessed a sturdy 6’2″ tall athletic build; the childlike photos posted of him by the media are as much as five years old). Zimmerman never noted the victim’s race until the dispatcher asked him, at which point he said black or hispanic (and Zimmerman identifies as hispanic; there’s no racial bias there). However, in his conversation with Rachel Jeantell, Martin is quotes as describing Zimmerman as “some creepy-@$$ cracker”; there’s racism in that sentence. It’s likely that hostility was evident in their encounter. And when the 5’8″ Zimmerman found himself pinned and pummeled by Martin, he feared for his life. That’s why they tried to determine Martin’s demeanor and background. Zimmerman, a student of criminal justice with no previous displays of racial bias, would have tried to profile a suspicious character based on behavior.

    As mentioned in another of the original poster’s facebook posts, I am disgusted that a battered wife would get 20 years for self defense. I don’t doubt that racism exists, but her husband is also black. Why not just throw him in jail. There’s more evidence towards sexism in that case than racism, though there may be more than a little of both. But we’re talking about Martin and Zimmerman.

    Show me where you read that he got his gun back. As far as I’ve read, (three days ago being the most recent), he hasn’t gotten it back. The DOJ is putting a lot of pressure on authorities to hold it.

    In the case of the man who was beaten by a mob, few arrests were made; I only read of one. As for the boy who was torched, no one even made an effort to track down who did it. No traffic surveillance footage was accessed, and the family had to move to another community to feel safe.

    I’ll grant that Zimmerman was overzealous, and has certainly paid for that. He’s the most unpopular man in America now. However, the difference between a 17-year-old and an 18-year-old is not that great. Zimmerman noted in the 911 call that Martin was in his late teens, which is true. Those photos of Martin when he was 12 are pure propaganda meant to bias the public beyond what the evidence shows. Can a 17-year-old commit murder? Absolutely! Just lat year we read of a group of five or six 13 and 14-year-olds who beat a 46-year-old man nearly to death because they “were just bored and looking for something to do.” How many of us, if we felt our lives were threatened by a teenager acting with malice, would cease seeing that person as just a kid? Zimmerman should not have followed Martin, but there was a four minute period where Martin lost Zimmerman and could have headed home. Instead, he waited around and the result was that fatal confrontation. Zimmerman paid with his name and future prospects; Martin, sadly, paid with his life.

    About the government pushing the case, you’re right. It’s just speculation. However, the fact that there’s even something to speculate shows that the government has not handled this in the best way. Obama has taken a side probably because it scores points with constituents, not because of evidence. Even with enough evidence, a public official should not take sides in such a case. They should uphold the law, and that’s it (which is something he started doing after the verdict, but he still said that “Trayvon could have been me 35 years ago,” and that stirs unrest.

    You talk about Cheney in another article? Is this you, Michel? I would like to see that article; would you provide a link or name please? As for storming off, perhaps he’s pissed they would use her as a discussion pawn or try to treat her as anything less than his beloved daughter. I can’t know until I read more, though.

    As for “stupid, gullible, and affraid,” both sides of the Zimmerman case could fall under that description. It all depends on who’s talking. I look forward to your response.

    1. 1) He wasn’t unfamiliar. His father lived in that neighborhood. He’d been there before. Do YOU know everyone in your neighborhood? Even if he appeared stoned, Zimmerman had ZERO reason to follow, especially after ignoring 911’s instructions. That is the crucial mistake, the one that started the whole thing. However, according to the coroner, the amount of THC in Treyvon’s system would have had ZERO impact on his behavior since it was so small, so either Zimmerman can detect latent THC or he knows something a doctor doesn’t or he was just plain wrong: In fact, the amount was so little that Treyvon must have ingested the THC at least 24 hours BEFORE the incident: Besides, the defense said the pot must have made him paranoid and delusional. The levels required to create the kinds of effects the defense claims and Zimmerman said he saw are WELL in excess of Treyvon’s.

      2) Treyvon was 5′ 10″, just shorter than me, and weighed much less than Zimmerman. The photos of the “muscular” Treyvon have been proven to be the case of VERY sloppy journalism: the site that posted them found ANOTHER Treyvon Martin on FB and just assumed it was him. See here: As for his “life-threatening” injuries and “beating,” that’s a very generous way of saying “head scratches.” Even FOX NEWS had to report that the examiner determined that Zimmerman’s injuries were the result of ONE punch: In other words, he wasn’t in any life-threatening situation. Basically, in fear, Zimmerman shot a kid because he felt afraid. Just “feeling” threatened is not the same as actually being threatened.

      My response about Zimmerman getting the gun back was written before the DOJ asked that it be kept for further investigation, so in that respect I was wrong.

      As for the Chaney comments, those are here: Basically, the fact that Cheney has a gay daughter and yet is afiliated with a party that has constantly demonized gays in this country is a sticking point to many on the Left. It’d be like a segregationist sixty years ago having a black daughter whom he said he loved.

      And Zimmerman hasn’t paid for anything. He’s a free man. A social outcast, sure, but he not only gets a new gun thanks to some pro-gun groups, but he’s also still alive. Treyvon is dead. What was Treyvon’s crime? Evidence suggests Zimmerman never receiving anything worse than a punch, not a “beating.” Treyvon wasn’t “high.” Treyvon was followed by a stranger in the night. Said stranger confronted Martin Was Martin supposed to just let the stranger approach him? What do you do when someone you don’t know is following you? I’m serious. What’s the protocol? Every decision that ended in that gunshot falls on Zimmerman. His mistakes cost a life. Second degree murder? Maybe not. Manslaughter? Oh yes.

      1. Thanks for clearing up the issues about Martin’s height, the THC levels in his blood, and Dick Chaney.

        When you are threatened, do you “feel” threatened? Sometimes. Someone can “feel” threatened without any real danger, but none of us knows the outcome of a scenario before its conclusion. Yes, Zimmerman ignored the 911 dispatcher’s suggestions. Yes, Martin’s dad lived in that neighborhood. Yes, Zimmerman got himself into a bad spot. But, once he was there, he had no means of determining whether Martin was armed, and when he was attacked and pinned, he fired. Should someone with Martin’s background been armed and allowed to be a neighborhood watch volunteer? No. I’ll admit I was very surprised when they acquitted him, but the court had spoken.

        People out there complaining that Zimmerman was judged by a jury of his peers (5 white women and one Hispanic woman) instead of a jury of Martin’s peers (5 or 6 black women) claim that justice was not served because none of the jurors were the victim’s race. Many believe that all jurors should have been black in order to serve justice, but that just biases them in the other direction. I feel that it would have been more appropriate to have three white jurors and three black ones. I think Zimmerman certainly would have gotten manslaughter if that were the case.

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