June 9, 2097 Anno Domini
Brothers and sisters, welcome to the Church of America!
This is a new group, and I know we have a lot of new faces, but I’d like to welcome each and everyone of you to this service. Some of you have questions. I know you were brought here under orders of the Federal Religion Bureau, and I know your information packets try to talk to you about your duty to serve your country as God-fearing Christian men and women, so I’d like to explain a few of the finer points of our church to you.
The Constitution of the United States is a holy document. It cannot be changed, except for those pieces we felt we needed to change years ago to better make this the nation our Founders intended. After all, we know what they were REALLY thinking.
Back in the Old Times, in the Age of Progressives, some felt that the Constitution was an imperfect document. Forgive me, brothers and sisters, for even uttering such bile in this holy house of politics! But it’s true. They believed the Constitution, that holy and holy documents next to our beloved Bible, needed changing!
Assuming that you or I, or anyone else, has the right to question the Constitution is an attack on the Founders. They were Christians and we should have faith, just as they did, that the plan laid out by God in this holy document will come to fruition. And how do we know they were Christians? Because great men of past ages told us, and no amount of “facts” can convince us otherwise.
This nation is divinely inspired. As Saint Beck the Weeping told us, our Founding Fathers, servants of God, had a vision. Their vision was this country, a nation of freedom. They were Christ-fearing men, each and every one of them, even the agnostics and deists. I know that doesn’t make sense, but yours is not to reason “Why?”
To speak against authority, righteous authority, is a sin. We know this. It’s hubris to think you know better than someone who has God on his side. If someone tells you that God told them to what to do, that you must follow that person, you do it, no matter how convoluted the explanation.
Our Founders gave us the first Bible. They printed it for us. Oh, I know that you’ve all seen the old news stories where the progressives tried to tell everyone that Congress didn’t really print it and there was a thing called “separation of church and state” implied in the language of the First Amendment, but now we know that these were lies designed to infringe on our rights.
And speaking of rights…
We at the Church of America want to remind you that we are not humans. We are individuals. The concept of “human rights” is a lie of the progressives. If you care for people, you slaughter the people in the name of the common good. As soon as someone became a threat to the whole under the old system, the state took care of them or punished them. It’s like the state thought it had the power to punish criminals.
Human rights are a lie, brothers and sisters. We have no rights other than those given to us by God, and we all know that He didn’t give us any of that religious freedom or freedom of speech the progressives kept whining about. He did, however, give us the right to own guns and make people worship Him. It’s in the Bible. And that is as far as we can go because the Bible tells me so.
We listen to the words of the prophets, brothers and sisters. We listen to the words of Saint Beck the Weeping, High Priest Limbaugh (may he rest in peace in his cryogenic pod), and Mother Palin the Wise.
As God-fearing Christians and experts in the fields of history, government, and sociology, they and their colleagues were perfectly poised to bring us out of the Old Times. Through the magic of the Great Murdock of the Great Fox, they showed us the error of our ways.
It is faith that drives us. Faith that feeds us. Without faith, with nothing but inquisitiveness and questions, we are nothing. We are nothing! We knew the progressives wanted to take our guns and Bibles away. We were just waiting for someone to explain the fear to us. Even though others proved them wrong again and again and again, and even though they filled that Satanic construct known as the internet with the “facts,” we knew better, right?
We knew that facts have no bearing when you have Truth on your side. And we knew the Truth. We were under attack from the Conspiracies.
We knew that every person who disagreed with us was working together. We knew because our fear told us, and since everything comes from God, that fear must be justified. It’s logical, but only if you have faith.
Now that the service is almost over, I’d like to remind you to please check your gas masks and gloves before you go outside. There’s another acid storm headed our way. Also, men, don’t forget to vote. Ladies, you just stay home like the Bible tells you and look after the children you must home-school because we have no public schooling unlike those poor souls in the Old Times.
Oh, let’s be thankful for the things we undid! We’ve repealed those tyrannical Civil Rights Movement laws and reclaimed the Movement for conservatives. Everyone is equal, unless they’re not born here, they disagree with us, or they’re liberals. Be sure you report any suspicious activity to the proper authorities so they can ask for proper papers. And don’t worry, we’ll figure out the internal combustion engine as soon as our Creationists rebuild the heathen writings of those scientists from the Old Times.
God be with you all, and only you. Not the unbelievers. They can go to hell… in God’s mercy.
Yes, it sounds stupid. Yes, it’s ridiculous. But think about it. Beck, the Tea Party, Palin, Hannity, and everyone on their side who wants to “protect the little guy” and bring us back to the what the Founders “intended” are really just wrapping politics in religion. Yes, they’re using Christianity, but they don’t even need to do that.
They’re painting the history of our country as though it were a religious narrative. We have the early Founders, much like Christianity has its ancient heroes in Moses and others. We have holy documents that cannot be contradicted. And now, we have modern-day prophets telling us the error of our ways… and they’re just like us, just like God sent in the book of Judges.
So… they must be real.
Please… If you refuse to see that government, like religion, is written and controlled by people, then you’re lost. Compare the achievements of science and rational thought and compare them to the advances brought on by religious and magical thinking. Make a plan for our country using a religious base and see how long until it turns into a singularity.
Wile E. Coyote has a better chance of catching the Road Runner.