Futbol: The Devil’s Game

The World Cup is a conspiracy to brainwash America into accepting foreign control... or something like that.

June 14, 2010

I don’t really care for soccer. I grew up in Mexico and it still didn’t get my attention. I like watching a game with friends once in a while, and the World Cup’s always fun, but I’m not a fan…

And now I have to go and defend soccer because conservatives in this country think it’s a plot against America.

That’s right, folks. Fasten your seatbelts. The crazy train is leaving the station.

Glenn Beck, C. Gordon Liddy, and Dan Gainor have all come out recently and spoken out against the sport because it’s not American, it’s played by the poor, and a host of other accusations. Apparently, it’s not enough to just not like something anymore. It has to be part of a conspiracy.

Conspiracy Psyduck by ~YTPArtist on deviantART

Soccer Incites Violence

Beck had a long rant about how the World Cup was a metaphor for Obama’s administration: The rest of the world likes it and America doesn’t. However, the striking part of this little number was his assertion that soccer is dangerous because fans riot and are violent. He says he’s never seen a baseball riot and can’t imagine people in the United States riot over their games.


Also, and this may just be that pesky math again, but since soccer is played globally, wouldn’t it make sense that they would have more violent riots than baseball or hockey? More games, more fans, higher possibility?

American Exceptionalism

Liddy feels that America shouldn’t have anything to do with the sport since it originated in South America. Gainor also seems to think that since soccer is so big in other parts of the world, including Mexico and other parts of the Americas, the World Cup and all its promotion is some kind of indoctrination for the eventual conquest by Hispanics.

That’s right. If we embrace soccer, we’ll be better set in 2040 when the Hispanics take over this country.

I’m not so offended by that last comment as I am the first part of Liddy’s argument. Soccer’s bad because it came from another country? Even if it was played with the head of a slain enemy in its original form, today’s version is played with a ball.

You know what else came from foreign countries?




Salma Hayek.

All delicious, all foreign.

Next argument!

Retouch: Salma Hayek by ~Dragellka on deviantART

Poor People Play It

…And? This has to be the dumbest thing said this week. Gainor’s assertion that soccer is played by poor people because they can’t afford equipment like bats, gloves, nets, and things to play other sports is stupid. And it misses the point.

This is one of the reasons soccer is so popular. You can play two on two, one on one, groups, whatever. Get an open area, a ball, and go wild. More complex systems don’t mean the game is any better.

How much time do you burn on games on Facebook?

Then you have the theory that introducing soccer to our children is just getting them ready for the “browning” of America. Because we play soccer in Mexico, you know? So when we take over, it will make the transition much easier.

Learning about and liking soccer will make us more comfortable interacting with other cultures because we will have something in common! The horror!


I thought I’d heard the dumbest conspiracy theories around. After the “two suns” incident, I thought I’d heard just about enough. Then again, I plan to read Beck’s novel and rip the plot to shreds. Then I go and read stuff like this, about soccer being some sort of conspiracy to take over our country or brainwash us.

I wonder how these people go through life without staining all their undies.

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