Thank You, Earth

June 21, 2010

Most of humanity has spent recent days watching the World Cup and basking in the sights and sounds of this game. But not Glenn Beck. No, he’s too busy telling us the evils of progressivism and how soccer is really some sort of conspiracy against America. On top of that, he’s now made it abundantly clear that he’s an ethnocentric bastard by claiming, quite loudly, that soccer is a “loser’s sport” and “we’ve had enough from Europe.”

Really, Glenn? Nothing? I guess soccer has a way of bringing people together. It’s an easy game to learn and easy to play. Open field and people. That’s all you need. It’s a great way to share time and a love of a sport with others.

But we can’t have that, can we, Glenn?

Cooperation with other countries?! This is ‘merica! We don’t need no one, right?

To my European readers… I’d like to apologize for this megalomaniac. I know guys like this make us look like a bunch of xenophobes, but I’d like to also tell you that some of us appreciate the things you, Europe, have given us. And that goes for the rest of the world.

World, thank you for everything you’ve given us.

Earth by ~SGA-Maddin on deviantART

Spain, you gave us Serrano ham and Antonio Banderas. Robert Rodriguez wouldn’t have made one of the most awesome action movies of all time without him. You also gave us Pablo Picasso, a guy that made squares cool.

Japan, you gave us anime. Granted, I don’t watch a lot and if I meet another catgirl I may scream, but you gave us Cowboy Bebop and the music of Yoko Kano. You also gave us J-horror, and while here in America we’ve made our own weaker, diluted versions of films like The Eye, The Ring, and The Grudge, some of us still appreciate the classics, the originals.

Germany, without you, we wouldn’t have Nietzsche. We also wouldn’t have a standard for really great beer, bratwurst, and Fredricksburg, Texas, one of my favorite places in this state.

Canada, I’m still mad at you for Justin Beiber, but I’m willing to let it go because you also gave us Alanis Morissette and hockey.

England, not only did you give us the Shakespeare, Neil Gaiman (he’s ours now, by the way), and Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels and Doctor Who, but you gave us the Magna Carta, a document that paved the way for modern government.

life has presents too…. by ~PassionPourPoessie on deviantART

To the Middle East, you safeguarded science during the Middle Ages.

Latin America, you gave us chocolate, tequila, and Gabriel García Márquez.

Africa, you are the birthplace of humanity.

On behalf of my country, and those too blind to admit it, thank you for everything you’ve given us. Glenn, you’re the television equivalent of the vuvuzela. Heard by millions, and annoying like a fork in the eye.

Now for some links to clean out the ears.

• The Vatican just placed The Blues Brothers on a list of must-see movies alongside other films like Passion of the Christ and It’s a Wonderful Life.

• A Southwest Airline employee found a box of human heads. Apparently, they were for medical research but weren’t properly labeled and, at least as of this writing, the authorities are still waiting to hear if the heads are REALLY for medical purposes. Eww.

• Someone attacked Hell’s Angels with a puppy and a bulldozer. If this story were any stranger, it would have ninjas and a giant Chuck Norris.

• I’m a PC user and have used Macs before, mostly for art classes, but I refuse to own one. I think this article lays out the case against Mac fanboys in a pretty succinct manner.

• Speaking of beer, a company is going to market a beer based on a 9000 year-old recipe. I don’t know about you, but this actually sounds pretty tasty.

• NSFW: And finally, since this post is about soccer, let’s end with a link on the second most popular thing that brings people together regardless of nationality… boobs. And let’s mix them with porn stars and a topless game of soccer.