Earn a Degree in Paranoia!

July 5, 2010

Before we get to the article, I want to make a quick announcement. Randomology.org, as much fun as it is to write, will be going back to a three-article a week schedule, at least for the next month. I wish I didn’t have to, but the schedule of researching, writing, and maintaining the website took its toll on me last month. I literately felt worse and more exhausted than I have ever felt in my life. Until I have more time or the work situation improves, I’m going back to the three-a-week schedule. I’ll post things on off-days, but they’ll be shorter articles, possibly musings or very, very short Divine by Zero articles.

Anyway, on to the show…

The Tired Writer by ~ChaosBang on deviantART

Are you a radical right-wing basket case who soils his or her undies on a regular basis because you lack basic bowel control?

Do you jump at the mere mention of opinions different from yours?

Are you seeking some pseudo-academic validation for your innately-held beliefs that liberals, minorities, and Godless heathens are destroying this country and stealing your freedoms in vague, threatening-sounding ways?

Then Glenn Beck University is the place for you.

Glenn Beck by ~markdraws on deviantART

We’re not accredited and offer no formal training of any sort other than forcing you to pay to hear the same thing Glenn Beck says on his show five days a week, but if you don’t sign up for these courses, you’re a sociocommunazi who hates God and eats babies for lunch! Even if you don’t know it!

Oh yes. For just six bucks a month, you too can enroll in classes where you will learn the tenets of Hope, Faith, and Charity. And who are your professors?

Well, they’re just the kind of people who like to spout their dribble… I mean, espouse their beliefs on Glenn Beck’s show. Sure, only one of them has a legitimate degree and the others may have been called psychos and history revisionists, but they’re legitimate if you have faith. Just like Jesus says.

American Jesus by ~MarkArandjus on deviantART

See, if you want to validate your beliefs, you have to pay us to explain them to you. You already know that liberals and progressives are ruining this country, but you can’t come up with a solid, credible explanation. Just like Mister Beck himself, you simply know progressives are evil. Like Beck, God probably told you. You probably hear voices and, like Beck, are certain these voices are God.

And why should you go to Beck University instead of one of those hoity-toity accredited colleges?

It’s a well-known fact that a college education makes you liberal. You can’t socialize with so many different ethnic and social groups like gays, atheists, Wiccans, Christians, Jews, and Pastafarians and expect to keep the same point of view you’ve fostered and sheltered your entire life. Debating new ideas will weaken your resolve as you’re sucked into a vortex of free thought and scientific thinking.

At Beck University, you won’t have any of that since you’ll be given the conclusions without you having to do any kind of thinking. And that’s the way it should be. After all, our motto means “Revolution against tyrants. Submission to God.”

Because you can’t be dependent on government to solve your problems. Instead, give in and let someone who claims to speak for God make your choices for you, because here at Beck University we believe you are so utterly stupid that you will believe us when we tell you to stop listening to people who want to help you… after we charge you, of course.

We are, after all, capitalists.

And yes, there really is such a thing as Beck University. I wish to God, Allah, and Cthulhu that it was a joke. Beck opening a university is like Palin opening up a planned parenthood clinic. You just know there’s a catch.

False Prophet by *ThreeWoes on deviantART

And now for more news from the world of the random:

• An openly gay cleric in the UK may soon become a bishop. This is a massive step forward for gay rights and the integration of LGBT society in the “mainstream,” and I use the term really loosely since everyone seems to be onboard with the LGBT community except churches and governments and pockets of ignorant people.

• Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the rarest creature of all: a straight man for Lady Gaga.

• An event so scandalous Neil Gaiman Tweeted (Twittered?) about it… A rumor that European countries might ban Nutella was met with fierce opposition as millions of Europeans feared a world without the nutty chocolate treat. And if you’ve never tried Nutella, get your heathen ass to the store and buy a can!

• It takes conviction to clash with your congregation for a difference in religious opinion. It takes a pair of swinging wrecking balls to ask God for a refund.

• Wonder Woman gets a new costume, finally replacing those silly-looking stars hot pants. Kind of surprisingly, it seems many comic-book artists have never seen a woman and don’t realize that high heels and leather are not the best things to wear when fighting crime. Even better, Fox criticized the change by going on about how this stripped Wonder Woman of her American pride… even though she’s not American and does not fight for life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness but is instead in our world to teach about love, peace, and sexual equality.

• Some time back, I wrote about the internet holy war that was… well, the internet versus Roger Ebert. He wrote a now infamous article where he said video games could never be art. However, ever the professional, Ebert now claims it was hasty of him to make such a statement since he would never review a movie without seeing it, so why make a blanket statement about a genre he was never really familiar with? Thumbs up, Mister Ebert.

• Did you know we don’t really know where electricity comes from? Yup, it’s a total mystery.

• If you like to follow Tea Party stupidity (and who doesn’t?), you’ll love Tea Party Jesus, a blog that puts the words of Tea Party-friendly politicians and Tea Partiers themselves into an image of jesus to see just how Christian some of their statements sound.

• And finally, spricket24 is one of my favorite Youtube bloggers, and this recent video on questions from Yahoo Answers had me cracking up for a full 10 minutes. Her reactions are priceless. Check it out.