War on Christmas Salvo 3: O’Reilly Killed Baby Jesus

Only one will survive! Start placing your bets!

December 20, 2010

UPDATE! Looks like Bill-O got a lot of flak from a lot of people and he responded. Check it out and my response back to him.

If you’re going to shove Christmas down the collective throats of the American public, at least have the decency to get the religion right.

For some years now, Bill O’Reilly has been waging a war against those who would wage war against Christianity and especially Christmas. He rails against anyone who says “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas.” Christmas, as we all know, is the Christian holiday commemorating the birth of Jesus Christ, who set up the first Christmas tree and forever tied America’s economy to Santa’s ass.

Look, I have my problems with Christmas, and most Christians realize, or I hope they realize, that Christmas as it is celebrated today is an amalgamation of various religious practices, many of which can be traced to pagan faiths. That’s fine. If you want to celebrate Christmas with Santa, Charlie Brown, and a Christmas goose, that’s your choice. If you want to celebrate with tamales, posadas, and a separate, sibling holiday to await the Three Wise Men, have at it.

A Mexican Christmas by ~TheDarkRoom-Photo on deviantART

However, do not betray the spirit of the holiday, the core event you claim to hold so dear, by dumping your bile-filled eggnog on Baby Jesus.

Bill, if you’re reading this, you made Baby Jesus cry. And he’s going to shove a nativity scene up your Tea Bagging backside.

If you believe Christmas is a time for charity and brotherhood, then you probably subscribe to the belief that Jesus was an extraordinary man who changed the world and his teachings and examples are something to emulate.

Apparently, Bill, though you call yourself a Christian, you’ve probably never read the Bible in any detail because, and I’m guessing here, the words were too big for you.

Let me back up for a moment, Bill. You wrote an article where you claimed, and I’m quoting:

Every fair-minded person should support government safety nets for people who need assistance through no fault of their own. But guys like McDermott don’t make distinctions like that. For them, the baby Jesus wants us to “provide” no matter what the circumstance. Being a Christian, I know that while Jesus promoted charity at the highest level, he was not self-destructive. The Lord helps those who help themselves. Does he not?

No, Bill. See, I can’t claim to have actually read the whole Bible. I’ve read the Books of Moses, a fair amount of the Gospels, and most of Revelations. I don’t want to spoil it for you, but it was Herod in the library with the candlestick. I can, however, use a search engine to look through the Bible much quicker than I can read it, and I can tell you right now that the phrase “God helps those who cannot help themselves” is nowhere in the Bible.

And no, I don’t mean just the specific phrase. The sentiment itself is not even in the Bible. If I may go old school Biblical for a moment, sort of Sinners in the Hands on an Angry God old school, you Bill, are headed to the hot place if your religion is correct. You’ve corrupted the Holy Scriptures.

Romans 5:6: You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly.

Proverbs 28:26: He who trusts in himself is a fool…

Isaiah 25:4: You have been a refuge for the poor,/ a refuge for the needy in his distress,/ a shelter from the storm/ and a shade from the heat./ For the breath of the ruthless/ is like a storm driving against a wall.

And what about the helping the sick and healing the lame? I’m sure this sort of health care would scare the crap out of you and your ilk. How dare Jesus of Nazareth just hand out healing to anyone who needed it at no cost? That communist bastard!

Jesus Era Comunista by ~malinhion on deviantART

But your biggest sin, Bill, the one that cannot be excused, is your absolute ignorance, or is it stupidity, at one of the most fundamental aspects of Christianity.

Jesus wasn’t self-destructive? Bill, the man allowed himself to be killed, tortured in some of the most brutal ways imaginable, to save humanity when, according to that Bible you claim to hold so dear, we were helpless to do anything about it. We were born with sin and were unredeemable by our own works according to Romans 3:23.

In fact, Jesus didn’t even want to do it. He was sacrificed by God. He had to be strengthened by an angel, had to pray until he sweat blood, and then he went to his appointed fate. Self-destructive? He died, a small price to pay for an immortal, but the point between the arrest and death would have been torturous for anyone.

So this Christmas season, Bill, as you sit in your home surrounded by the wealth you’ve amassed by lying and attacking those who genuinely want to make this world a better place, I hope you are visited by the ghost of Christmas past. I hope you see the happiness in Whoville. I hope you realize that Christians aren’t being persecuted and that all of these so-called attacks are either fabrications of your senile mind or exaggerations.

Happy Holidays, Bill O’Reilly.

Oh, I’m sorry. That was rude.

Feliz Navidad, Jaime O’Reilly.

christmas love by =SeraphicTragedy on deviantART

And now, on to the links!

  • As many of you probably know, I’m an avid Dungeons and Dragons player. I’ve gotten some weird questions from my group, and people who just want to know about the game, but these questions have to be the strangest I’ve ever read.
  • There’s a new iPhone app that lets you instantly translate text. This is useful if you’re in a foreign country and need quick help. It will also, I’m sure, wreak havoc with ESL classes since students will now rely on their phones to do the work for them, and some of the translations aren’t spot-on with the app, either.
  • Have you noticed those cool Facebook hacks where people place their pictures in such a way as to create a window effect on their profiles? Here’s how you can do it, and if you’re really lazy, here’s the REALLY quick way.
  • And finally, for all the nerds out there, hot girls wearing Batman clothing. Not bat-suits. Clothes with Batman themes. Enjoy, and I’ll see you back here on Wednesday!

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