January 3, 2011
With the new year come new challenges. As I prepare to tackle art, censorship, religion, and politics, I feel it’s important to first get on the same wavelength and conservatives, censors, and people who may not have the appreciation for creativity that I and many of my readers share. To remedy this, I’d like to offer a quick Conservative-to-Artist translation guide.
You’re persecuting me!
Translation: You’re providing an argument that destroys my worldview and makes me wonder about other possibilities, but since I’m too stubborn or indoctrinated into my mindset, I’ll go with the most primal answer I can think of: anger.
This isn’t art.
Translation: I don’t like it and it makes a statement I disagree with, however, since defining art has proven one of the most cumbersome endeavors in the history of man, I’ll resort to a cookie cutter answer that I hope will undermine this project’s validity.
Won’t someone think of the children!
Translation: I am far too immature to be exposed to adult themes and situations and since I am far too big of a pansy to teach my own children how to interact with the real world, I will use them to shield you from the knowledge of my own naiveté.
It’s immoral to tax the rich more than the middle class.
Translation: Even though I’m not rich myself, I hope to one day be so rich that I can wipe my ass with hundred dollar bills, so on the off-chance that does happen, I’d like to not be taxed more.
Alternate translation if the speaker is, in fact, rich: I don’t want you to tax me more because I don’t care that taxing the top income earners in the country is the key to a strong middle class, a factor that would get me more money in the long-run.
Oh you’re a writer? Yeah, I always wanted to write a book myself.
Translation: I have NO idea how to put a coherent paragraph together and assume that basic spelling is the same as years of study, practice, and professional experience.
Schools have failed!
Translation: I am a parent and never taught my kid to do the best he or she could do, so instead of accepting my failure as a parent, I will blame the overall system.
This is an attack on religion!
Translation: This event does not fit into my narrow vision of morality, but since it certainly jives with other types of morality that are themselves accepted by society, I will try to lump all belief systems under one banner in an attempt to rally imaginary support.
What would Jesus do?
Translation if offered as advice: I don’t want to give any advice and would prefer not expose my lack of knowledge and/or spine.
Translation if asked to self: I can’t analyze moral dilemmas on my own.
How can we trust experts?
Translation: I hate learning, books, and think that thinking through a problem is too hard and I have more faith in gut reactions, regardless of how biased or racist such reactions may be.
This is not what the Founders intended.
Translation: I watch Glenn Beck.
Well, I hope that helps. Now, let’s get this year started with some linkage!
- Want to debate someone? Use this handy flowchart to keep track of things.
- If you didn’t get what you wanted this year, it’s not because Santa doesn’t like you. They arrested him on DUI. Just hope one of the reindeer didn’t get sucked into a plane engine.
- Patton Oswald wrote a remarkably insightful article on the status of nerd culture and what we as nerds can do to save it before our kind become mainstream.
- Living on the border, it’s frightening that it’s gotten so bad that Juarez is actually dropping in population by drastic amounts as people flee the ravaged city.
- Are your nightmares horrific enough? No? Then check out these images of Muppets with human eyes.
- I may do this next year. Here are some instructions on how to make a functioning Rorschach mask that shifts.
- I’m not even going to try to read Meyer’s books, but someone actually read her science fiction foray, The Host, and he or she has some choice words for the wealthy writer.
- There are dumb products, and then there are DUMB infomercial products. Still, this parody is perhaps one of the funniest parodies of the last year. Enjoy!
- And finally, have you had sex in the last 30 minutes? Then, sing, player!