Apocalypse Wow!

May 20, 2011

Well, tomorrow is Judgment Day, folks. At least, that’s the claim by a fringe group that believes the End Times will start tomorrow with the Rapture, and culminate in the end of all things in October. If you’re a regular reader on this site, odds are you haven’t earned any special favors up above. So, in light of the impending End, let’s go over a few things we all can do once the saved are brought up to Heaven and we mere mortals are left with an empty Earth.

Start a Cult

Hey, the End is here, right? Might as well jump on the bandwagon. Millions will be left behind, and if you’re the sort of person that likes to have people listen to him or her, this is your chance to shine.

If you’ve got access to a fortified position, plenty of water, and food, you could easily attract looters of all sorts, but why not beat them to the punch by claiming to hear messages from on high and draw some easily-duped fools to perform your every whim? On this one, I’m a bit screwed since water’s already pretty scarce and I live in an apartment, but the rest of you that may live near lakes and rivers and have plenty of firepower can certainly try it out.

All you have to do is be vague enough to people believe what you say is prophesy. If it comes true, it’s divine inspiration. If it doesn’t, it’s a metaphor. Just make it work. Come up with some words and phrases you can all use to mark yourselves as different form the rest of the world. Don’t take crap from anyone and, if someone steps out of line, just threaten to give them to the cannibalistic hordes outside the compound walls.

This one’s for the ambitious, but for the rest of us…

Lady Apocalypse by *Fishbling on deviantART

Walk the Wasteland

If you have any survival instincts or even camping experience, you can certainly become a walker in the waste. Pack up whatever essentials you may need and start your trip through what will soon be the Empty States of America. You don’t necessarily have to walk, either. Grab a car or, for that extra apolalicious twist, a motorcycle.

Be classy about it…

Get plenty of weapons, food, and supplies. just think of it as a long camping trip. You only have to think a few months ahead, too. We won’t even make it to 2012 if these guys are right.

Personally, I’m all for going to raid the local Academy sporting goods store, stock up on the essentials, and take that cross-country trip I always wanted. Might as well see the sights before October when God himself takes it all back, right? It won’t be some wild, reclaimed landscape, but I’d like to see the major sites. Of course, this could lead to all sorts of shenanigans and adventures, too.

Yay for post-Apocalyptic hijinks!

Eat It Like It Makes You Immortal

We’re all going to kick it in a few months, right? Raid that grocery store and liquor store!  If you’re going to put on a few pounds or develop an alcohol addiction, this is the time. Why not spend the last few months in a haze of booze and sugar highs?

Personally, raiding the local Feldman’s and grabbing the $13,000 booze is going to be my goal once everything goes legs up. If I’m going to watch civilization consume itself in an orgy of violence and decadence, I’m going to need some good tequila.

On that same note, grab every movie and TV show you ever wanted to watch but couldn’t. You’ve got time now. I’m going to sit down and go through every season of the original Star Trek, all of Battlestar Galactica, and every Rifftrax I can get.

You’ll have to pace yourself, though. You don’t want to go through the whole thing in one sitting or you won’t be around for October’s big finale.

Play Like a Boss

Safety features? Rules? Why bother? Play the most violent sport you can find with a reasonable chance of survival. Russian Roulette is right out, but something like this might do:

Why not drag-race down the newly-abandoned superhighways? Bungee jump from the Golden Gate Bridge? Play golf in downtown Manhattan and paintball in the streets of LA? It’s all free game now.

Hey, let’s play polo, but with trucks! Hell, you could run the longest D&D game of all time! I’d be up for that. I’d run a game so long and complex that… hey! I could run the World’s Largest Dungeon! Finally, an excuse to stay awake for a week straight, then two more months!

Apocalypse by ~darkm4rk on deviantART

Grab a Nice Spot

Come October, everything will end. Do whatever you want in the next few months, but in the end, pick a spot with a good view. Most of your major hotels and office buildings will do. Get something that will let you look out into the world one last time and bask in the glry of creation before God comes down and pushes the Off Switch…

Or…

If you’re like me and have people you care about, people you love and love you back, make the most of this time.

It’s very telling whenever someone says the end is coming. If you think your end is near, that you will soon leave this world, your priorities change. You focus on the things that truly matter. Me? I’ll stay with the people I love, read the books I never got to read, and keep writing until I can’t. Then, I’ll throw one big party and watch the world go boom with them at my side.

Should be fun…

apocalypse by *c0rr0si0n on deviantART

And now, link storm to make up for paltry links on Wednesday!

• Here are some songs to play as the world comes to an end. I’d play some of them just for the pure ironic value. And no, I am not a hipster.

• With no one around, you could play live action Angry Birds.

• Why is the world ending? The gays, of course!

• There are also… other reasons the world will end.

• If you’re going to go down as the End Times swallow everything we know… why not do it in a bar?

• The CIA wrote a memo on what to expect if info leaked… the memo got leaked.

• Like I wrote a while back, Christians are sharing prayer space with Muslims. Do you think this could be a herald of the End Times?

• If you like pretty colors, he’re a picture of Play-Doh being shot by a gun.

• Speaking of awesome pictures… this image is not Photoshopped.

• Even if the world ends, this guy came out with a cool prom pic.

• If aliens land after we’re all gone, they may find that the amount of Mythbusters fan art may place the mustachioed one and the pyro-ginger as deities.

• When said aliens do find our bodies, what will your tattoos say about you?

• Do you know how I know the End is nigh? Like, REALLY nigh? Check out the list of people that actually make less than the Situation.

• If we have time, we could escape Earth to the first Earth-like planet we discovered… except I’m confused. Which one was the first Earth-like planet?

• Either way, Grandpa remembers a simpler time.

• This week marks the anniversary of Jim Henson’s death. I actually learned English with Sesame Street workbooks and learned to love storytelling by watching the Muppets. Nothing will ever replace him, and I thought the world was going to end when Jim left us so many years ago…

• We really should have seen the end coming. I mean, Jesus himself held a press conference and told us all, right?

• And remember, hen you get picked up by angels, make sure your balls are nice and fresh.

• And finally, as you watch the world end, how about listening to something appropriate? See you Monday, you Survivors of the Apocalypse.