Bin Laden Shot Kennedy!

Actually, he's chillin' in Cuba with Biggie.

May 11, 2011

Ah, conspiracy theories… They’re the bread and butter of the crazy. They’re the stories they tell themselves to make it seem as though someone, somewhere, gives a crap about them. These morons feel like they’ve been lied to, like they have been persecuted or insulted into believing a fabricated truth. I already spent an article last year explaining a few of my favorites, but with both Obama releasing his long-form birth certificate and the assassination of Osama Bin Laden, conspiracy theories are coming out like it’s pride week.

Let’s start, shall we?

Bin Laden is Dead by ~elementality on deviantART

He’s Dead, Jim?

You know birthers? Ever heard of deathers? They’re the people who don’t actually believe Bin Laden is dead. Since we don’t have pictures, they don’t trust that Navy SEAL Team 6 actually found and killed him. It seems that not even DNA evidence, which Steve Doocy dismissed as “numbers on a page,” will do.

And like we say with the birth certificate, I’m sure even if we did release photos of Bin laden’s body, deathers would claim the images were somehow manipulated. Just listen to Beck and Napolitano try and wrap their minds around the issue.

Catch that? We need the photos to prove he’s dead. But we can’t be sure they weren’t manipulated, so we can’t trust photos. But we want to see the photos to make sure they exist!

The problem is that Obama ordering and succeeding in the assassination of the most wanted man in America doesn’t jive with the Right Wing perception of a weak, cowardly liberal president. Liberals don’t do that, they cry out! So Bin Laden must still be dead!

It’s the only explanation.

Except that even Bin Laden’s people are confirming he’s dead. Oops.

It’s About Politics

Another theory, almost the opposite of the deather whackos, is that Bin Laden’s actually been dead for a long time. The theory is that Obama is only releasing the news now because he’s sagging in the polls. Let’s ignore that fact that his numbers haven’t actually changed in more than a year and aren’t bad by comparison with other presidents. Why keep it a secret? If this is the kind of thing that gets poll numbers up, why not release the announcement earlier?

Why not do it when, oh, I don’t know, half the conservatives in this country were up in arms about health care reform last year? And Obama didn’t exactly suffer from the whole Trump thing either. In fact, it’s made Trump seem even dumber than before.

The President Didn’t Want To Do It (Coup)

This one is one of the worst ones. Apparently, Obama knew where Bin Laden was hiding and didn’t want to go after him. Obama is, of course, a granola-munching liberal with no stomach for combat, so it only makes sense that the military overruled him and went ahead with the operation anyway.

Do you know what it’s called when a military official disobeys a direct order?

I believe it’s called a coup d’état. That’s right, we actually have accusations that the military went ahead without Obama’s order or otherwise acted without the Commander in Chief giving the order. Of course, the source turned out to be Pamela Geller, one of the most rabid, and untruthful, people on the right. She’s a birther, so that should give you on insight into her state of mind. And her source inside the White House seems to have more access to meetings, information, and terrorist intel that three seasons of 24.

Bush got Bin Laden!

Yup. Even though he’s been out of office for years, some on the Right are actually crediting Bush with the kill. Why? Well, he’s the one that got us into Afghanistan and Iraq. He’s the one that okayed the torture of enemy prisoners. He’s the one that had a presidency that was seven eighths war.

Except that if torture had worked, it would have worked much earlier. In fact, torture played a small, or no role, in this kill. Also, Bush actually disbanded the team that was hunting Bin Laden. Bush had no motivation to get him. Let that sink in. Bush is the one that got Bin Laden, but Bush is not to blame for the economic collapse even though his policies like the tax cuts for the rich are the direct causes.


In short, all these are attacks on Obama. And don’t think I’m 100% Obama, either. I have a LOT of complaints about him, but I can at least recognize when the man does something right. I mean, even the Dalai Lama thinks it was a good idea to kill Bin Laden. That’s like Mother Theresa calling you a dick. You must have had it coming…

No links today, but let me leave you with the speech I really wish Obama had given on this occasion.

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