Instant Awesome? Just Add Liam Neeson

This man's VOICE has had more three-ways than you've had one-ways. Just accept that you are a lesser man.

July 29, 2011

I mentioned the Battleship movie a few months back. Reports indicated Tom Arnold and Rihanna were going to star in the adaptation of the classic game. Well, Arnold is nowhere on the IMDB page, but Rihanna sure is. The trailer came out and I expected to see all the cheese of Snakes on a Plane and the cinematic potential of Meet the Deedles.

Are you ready for this?

…Crap.

Now I actually want to watch it. I’m willing to ignore the Transformers-like sound effects and alien sequences. I’m willing to forget that this is based on a board game that’s only slightly more complicated than tic-tac-toe. Why?

Liam Fraking Neeson.

Seriously. I don’t know why I hadn’t noticed that the man’s mere presence in a movie trailer make me want to watch it. How can we forget the earworm-like effect of this:

Before that, we had Neeson virtually act out an entire trailer by himself in Taken. The entire set-up is one of the most famous monologues and coldly-calculated threats I can recall hearing in a movie in some time. It’s chilling, efficient, and brutally honest. It breaks every rule of “show, don’t tell.” He basically tells us the entire set-up to the movie, its backstory, everything… AND IT WORKS.

Oh, and the rest of the movie’s pretty cool too.

Then we had him give the introduction to the highly-anticipated Batman Begins. His brief monologue oozes class.

But what is it about Neeson? It’s like he’s the sweet leaf basil of movie trailers. Adding a little to the mix can’t hurt. I’m convinced Liam Neeson can make ANY trailer better.

Just read the following and imagine Neeson saying it in a deep, mysterious voice like he does in Taken:

You, Paul Rodriguez, and you, Jimmy Falon, are the chosen ones. Without your strength and ability to make a kick-ass chicken enchilada, our world is doomed. If you do not act, the aliens will come here. They will find you. And they will make you watch Jersey Shore until you bleed out the ears.

Snooch to the nooch, motherfuckers. Peace out.

Now tell me you wouldn’t want to see that movie if you heard that in Liam Neeson’s voice. I swear the man could make Jersey Shore sound like a Shakespearean comedy if he tried.

See you Monday, and enjoy some video of idiots getting hurt. It’ll balance out all the awesomeness you just saw or else you’ll explode.

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