Vaginas Are Not Clown Cars

April 4, 2012

The Duggars lead a lesson in basic logic. And contraception.

Even the richest of families must admit that having 19 children is stretching the bounds of finances and common sense. I myself would be happy with two, maybe three kids one day. Three to five seems to be a good number for most families. You have a nice bundle of kids and you let them grow up and off they go to make a mark on the world.

How the hell do you raise 19 kids?!

But maybe the Duggars have it figure out. Maybe they’re privy to knowledge from some ancient tome. Perhaps they discovered how to control minds and the kids all behave as they should and help take care of each other without problem. Whatever. Maybe they can do it.

What I can’t get, though, is the rationale.

So… Michelle Duggar thinks overpopulation is a myth because if you placed all seven billion of us in one place, we could fit inside Jacksonville, Florida?

Let that sink it. She believes that, as Mother Theresa said, saying that we have too many children is like saying we have too many flowers.

Flowers don’t need feeding at odd hours of the day. And they don’t need tuition. Or to get bailed out of jail when they try to outrun a cop.

Children are a wonderful thing. They really are. Despite everything it takes to raise them, I can’t wait to have them once we’re in a more stable place. But just because I want children, doesn’t mean I want an NFL-team’s worth of children. I don’t even want a two-on-two basketball game’s worth of children.

It’s more than just space, Duggars! People need food. That requires land, time, water, and people to work the land. People also require energy. Based on 2008 estimates, the average American consumes a little over 270 gigajoules of energy per year. That comes out to 8.7 kilowatts on a constant basis, or the energy released in two grams on TNT or the total energy of a single AA battery EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY.

John and Paul were wrong. All you need is love? That’s great, but there comes a point where you need cash to pay the bills. Even more, you need to be able to give each child the attention and care they need. The Duggars live a hyper-sheltered lifestyle that will eventually lead to culture shock if any of them dare enter the real world.

More children are not the answer to the world’s ills. Responsible people are the answer. Responsible people who can pass a basic logic test are the answer.

Spread the word. Children are not flowers and vaginas are not clown cars.