Manny and the Necromancer

Putting in the
Putting in the “man” and “romance” in “necromancer”…

June 23, 2013

Last night’s Dungeons and Dragons game had perhaps the weirdest in-game use of liquor, shapeshifting, and seduction I’ve ever seen.

The party was investigating a town recently overcome with cultists of Orcus, the Demon Prince of Undeath. Naturally, such cultists are prone to things like sadism, insanity, and, I figured, occasional necrophilia. The last one was not overtly mentioned, but makes sense.

As the party snuck around the ruined town, they happened upon a tavern being used as some sort of torture chamber for the town’s survivors. Manny, playing the drow wizard Vician, decided he had a plan. He convinced the elf bard Vittoria to go along with it. Confident, he cast a spell to make both of them appear as ghouls so they could sneak into the ruins and free the two men being tortured by a necromancer.

After some routine questions from the necromancer, Manny, still in ghoul form, decided to gift the necromancer a bottle of liquor he had “found” outside. Seeing this, the necromancer took it and threw some of its contents at the very cut and very bloody men hanging on the rack. Their screams of pain filled the room as the rest of the team looking in through a window and wondered what Manny was doing.

As the DM, I too wondered what the hell he was doing.

I then had the necromancer take a swig of the bottle.

“So… he drank it?” asked Manny.

I looked at him and said, “Yeah. Why?”

“Because I bought something… It’s called Love Philter. He’s going to fall madly in love with the first creature he sees-”

“STOP!” I said.

I rushed out of the dining room and to my computer to check the online database. From the dining room, my players counted down as I accessed the site and verified this wild claim.

“Five… four… three… two… one-”

“SON OF A WHORE!”

I stomped back and conceded that, yes, the necromancer would now fall in love with the first creature it saw, but there were six people around him, including Manny, the bard, and a smattering of ghouls and demons. I then had Manny roll to see which one would become the object of his affection… and Manny rolled the number for himself.

Fine… He wanted to play like that? He wanted to make the necromancer fall in love with him. The NECROMANCER.

As in, he “loves” the dead?

Fine.

At this point, another player pulled out his phone and proceeded to play some background music.

The necromancer, being the sick bastard that he is, took what he figured was a ghoul and began leading it to the back of the bar for some… alone time.

“I… didn’t consider this,” he said as a horny necromancer guided his character.

All I could think of was this…

am+i+the+only+one+who+thinks+shes+really+ugly+_b054bfd84bb010c1a6b2c2c705061367

Manny thought quickly and managed to pantomime something to the effect of “I can’t do this with an audience.” The necromancer, eager for some cold lovin’, instructed the demons and other ghouls to wait outside. Meanwhile, the rest of the adventuring party is watching this comedy of errors through the window and wondering what to do about the monsters outside. Vittoria the bard took the hint and untied the two men, carefully leading them through the tavern while the necromancer disrobed of his armor and weapons.

Ever the sick puppy, Manny asked the necromancer, “Do you like violence?”

Also ever the sick puppy, the necromancer agreed. Manny whipped out a pair of manacles and tied the necromancer down, who at this point could hardly contain his enthusiasm.

Leaning in, many blasted the far wall and killed five ghouls before blasting the necromancer’s head into a fine red mist.

The rest of the session involved some more bloodshed and sleuth-work, but the point is that one of my players magically seduced a sadistic necrophiliac and managed to wipe out half his undead posse, thus giving the other players the chance to go after the demons.

Not sure if I should be proud or worried this plan worked.

 

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