Divine by Zero: Delicious, Delicious Filler

What the-

Divine by Zero? Is it last month?

Okay, here’s the deal. I’ve been working until midnight almost every day the last two weeks, not counting mornings. Carmen’s story, Bullets and Groceries, will conclude by Monday (PROMISE), but in the meantime, let me share a few links and stories with you to keep you appeased.

Dive! Dive! Dive!

  • The US Military is not the only one to suffer from a massive intelligence leak. The Galactic Empire also recently had it’s own leak, and the information we’re getting via Buzzfeed is too hilarious not to share. I mean, we all knew Palpatine kicked the inspectors off the Death Star, but who knew the checkpoints on Tatooine were so shoddy as to allow a fugitive to pass right through with the droids they were looking for.
  • The tea Party and conspiracy nuts like to invoke George Orwell’s 1984 as a model of what the world is slowly becoming. But who’s side was Orwell on? This amazing article delves into the history of the book and how different groups, including USSR, have adopted the book to their causes.
  • All I saw when I watched this trailer was “steampunk, samurai, ninjas, dragons, schoolgirls, action.” I needed a cookie to get my blood sugar back up.
  • What’s better than a fiber-optic knife or a knife that freezes you from the inside? A shark knife! (Warning: inability to balance a beach ball on your nose while juggling should be taken as a sign that you lack the dexterity to wield the shark knife and may in fact slice your own face off)
  • Is the gay bar a fad? The latest in a series of labeled establishments like the Jewish ghettos of Europe? An interesting take on the question can be found here.
  • The Transformer owl… is a real animal. Get ready to see one of the freakier things I’ve ever seen an animal do to defend itself.

Things will get better. Articles will become more substantive. I will offer pay for articles. It’s just that it’s almost midnight and I’m still working with some freelance web designers for a Saturday deadline…

Stay tuned and share this website with others. Happy Friday!

Divine by Zero: Ozzy Bleeds for Science and the Greatest D-Bag EVER

June 17, 2010

A lot of things will hopefully go down in the next couple of weeks, one of which I hope will involve me getting a full-time teaching position. If that’s the case, Randomology.org may suffer because of lack of time, so starting next week, I’m going to try something a little different. I’ll run shorter articles, maybe 300-400 words, six days a week and include 4-5 links to stories at the bottom. Not only will this make writing the website a lot faster, but I’ll get stories out that would otherwise get left behind.

Trust me, I have a lot of links and images I never get to put on here.

For this week at least, regular schedule will continue. I’ll see how this goes over tomorrow.

Fasten your seatbelts. It’s link time.

  • Megan Fox will be in the new issue of Interview magazine and she will be in a little bob cut. And she will be making out with herself. Sort of. It’s a mannequin designed to look like her. Still, if you’ll settle for that, check out the link.
  • That trailer a few DvB’s ago for a Mortal Kombat movie is looking more and more like a real teaser for a movie. The trailer for the new Mortal Kombat game finally came out and it looks nothing like the Saw-like gore-fest in the live-action clip. Here’s hoping the movie is as awesome as the new game also looks.
  • Anyone who saw Minority Report remembers those awesome computer interfaces that reacted to touch and movement. Check out how they were designed and why you can expect to have your very own hyper-futuristic computer in just a few short years.
  • Growing up in Mexico, I remember seeing a lot of playground that were rusted, or neglected, or otherwise unsafe. I didn’t care! They were fun! Danger equals fun! THESE playgrounds, however, would give most kids nightmares for a year.
  • I’m ashamed to admit it took me a good five minutes to figure out what was wrong with this house. How long will it take you?
  • Maxim generally runs quotes from the interviews with their models and try to appeal in the manly man in all of us with titillating snippets. Problem is… sometimes they objectify the women much more than they probably intend. However, some clever folks at Reddit have changed this and, well, “fixed” a photo to make it more appealing to THINKING men. Take that, chauvinism!
  • Ozzy Osbourne has done a lot in his life, from fronting one of the greatest rock bands of all time to showing us a family far more dysfunctional than our own. However, now Ozzy’s blood may help science learn how the body reacts to substance abuse.
  • And finally, a little encouragement for any girls thinking of batting for the other team, courtesy of the BBC. See you tomorrow!

Divine by Zero: Kardashian Robs the Cradle, Beck Can’t Write, and a Message from Heaven

June 15, 2010

After three solid days of RPGs, I’m kind of glad Monday came around. I ran one game, played a warforged fighter, and got to blast some TIE fighters in the Star Wars games. My geek quota has been met.

To the links, ladies and gentlemen!

  • I know I’ve defended Lady Gaga as an artist before… but that’s because she was attacked for doing what she does best: put on a show. And yet I feel like that’s all she does. Here’s a better look at how I see her:

  • Justin Beiber fans are crazy. I mean… insane in ways that usually involve a call to the cops and a restraining order. However, photos of Beiber with Kim Kardashian show the lovable he’s-safe-and-sounds-like-a-girl singer apparently getting cozy with Kardashian, a woman famous for getting nailed on tape. Needless to say, Beiber’s fans are NOT happy about this turn of events. Mostly, I think, because the female fans hoped THEY would be the ones skipping through the beach with Beiber. I wonder how they’ll react when Robert Patterson gets married…
  • Ever wanted a lightsaber? Well, here’s the next best thing: the Spyder III. It’s a portable laser so powerful you can permanently blind someone or burn their flesh. Anyone want to buy one and try it out instead of mace on the next mugger they find?
  • Glenn Beck wrote a book and he can’t even get the jacket synopsis right. This scres me because I intend to check the book from the library and read it just to see if it really does make Twilight look like Nathaniel Hawthorne.
  • If you come down to Texas, remember to only shoot buffalo from the first story of a hotel. The second story is a legal no-no. And if you go to any of the other states, he’re a handy list to some very weird state laws.
  • Blogger Carla Ziebler-Smith passed away in March, but at the funeral, she arranged for a video to play… a video of her speaking to everyone from heaven. Needless to say, I’m sorry I didn’t get to read her blog while she was still alive. Watching this video’s so weird seeing as how no one even knew it existed until the day of the funeral… It’s funny, touching, and a wonderful good-bye. Enjoy.

Divine by Zero: American History Through Boobs and the Dangers of Lesbianity

It’s been a hectic few days, but presentations are done, interviews are concluded, and I dove right back into the the internet…

By the way, nothing stings more than giving a presentation on the importance of writing and having one of the freshmen point out you misspelled something on the PowerPoint. I still ache.

  • Anyone following the World Cup and not paying too much attention might have missed a rather unfortunate abbreviation on the bottom of the screen.
  • NSFW: Playboy published an article where they look at the shape of women’s breasts over the decades and use them as allegories for their respective times. It’s actually kind of interesting. Oh, and there are boobs.
  • Did you know that lesbians walk among us? It’s true! And they seek to corrupt our women. This tongue-in-cheek video in the style of old 1950’s afterschool films shows how you can protect yourself from the perils of lesbianity!

  • I know Teabaggers have a tenuous grasp on logic and reality, but this guy is REALLY stretching to link Obama to BP. To be fair, though, his sign has correct spelling, but he butchered the punctuation.
  • I already mock Robert Patterson for the fact that he will forever be known as a sparkly fairy who thinks he’s a vampire… but this is just sad.
  • Behold! We have discovered perhaps the first recorder instance of “That’s what she said,” and Hitchcock caught it on film. Is there anything he couldn’t do?

  • And finally, I was reminded of why I voted for Obama when I saw this vid. I have a beef with some things he’s done in the last year, but overall, I still like him. And how he’s going to work with Jack Bauer and Batman to kick some ass. Are YOU an expert?

Divine by Zero: Obama Fights a Zombie and Is Mortal Kombat Cool Again?

June 10, 2010

Everyone feeling the impending weekend? Oh, I am. I’m dusting off some notes from the last few years and finally finding time to write a series of short stories set on the border. These aren’t “chicano” fiction, however. If anything, they’re urban fantasy with a border twist. Should be fun. I might post a few excerpts here on slow days over the summer.

Also, I get to play D&D again. It’s been a long time since I got to sit on the boring side of the DM screen. Pommel, the warforged fighter, lives again! They clang, b1tch3z!

Anyway, enough of my geekery. Links!

  • Ever wanted to own a piece of fake history? A creation museum is selling a few choice pieces including rocks, bones, and fossils that all prove the Earth is 6,000 years old.
  • This lingerie ad is pretty standard. It’s quite sexy, actually, except something happens at the end that makes it a really good commercial. Don’t you just love it when the plot gives you a twist?

  • A woman had a brilliant idea for finding parking. She made her own.

  • A woman called tech support to find out how to disable the Pacman game on Google’s front page. Apparently, it kept her from studying.

  • And finally… I know I’ve gone on about making things gritty for the sake of gritty and have mocked the practice with the continuing stories “Peaches and Bullet Bills,” but a trailer’s hit the web in the last few days that shows a gritty, realistic Mortal Kombat. Rumor says it’s a trailer for an upcoming movie. Others think it might be a rpmo for the new MK game due out later this year, but this is looking less and less likely. Personally, I just think it’s bloody, violent, and everything the first two MK movies should have been. Check it out and comment. Warning: there’s a fair amount of gore.

Divine by Zero: Faux Chicken and Why the Death Star is Evil

June 8, 2010

Hello, Randomologists! Welcome to another exciting episode of Divine by Zero, the only tri-weekly internet feature that gives you news with my biting social commentary!

Oh, who am I kidding?

Link time!

  • If you thought government lobbysist had no shame, you are right, especially when they petition Congress for the right to nudity. A group called the American Association for Nude Recreation will be lobbying this week to combat internet filters that could affect nudist websites. My only question is… will they be petitioning in the nude? I’ve worked in those buildings, and even though staff members could wear jeans when Congress was out of session, I’m going to assume the dress code is a bit stricter than that.
  • I’m a staunch meat-eater, so when I heard that a lab in the University of Missouri had developed a soy-based chicken meat that tastes and feels like the real thing, I was skeptical. However, if it’s as realistic as it looks and is described here, I might try it.

  • And speaking of self-defense, any good father would upon hearing his daughter had received a naughty image of a fellow classmate’s genitals do the right thing. By “right thing,” I mean lure the guy to your house, tie him, threaten him with firearms, then taser him.
  • A new study reported on CNN shows that children with two lesbian mothers are actually better emotionally adjusted than children of the traditional Adam and Eve variety.
  • Could somebody explain why I never found out Sean Hannity has a dating website named “Hannidate”?! I’m tempted to just make a profile to see what bites. Of course, I might need a shot afterwards.
  • Anyone who thinks government has too many employees has never worked IN government. Just to give you an idea of how many people it takes to really get a bill together, check out this graphic. Also, I should mention that legislative staffers are highly under-appreciated.
  • Finally, Iceland got a bad rep with that whole “volcano that disrupted air traffic for half the world” thing, but they have a sweet little promo they hope will turn others back to Iceland. Check it out!

Inspired by Iceland Video from Inspired By Iceland on Vimeo.

That’s it! Link and share. Tune in tomorrow when we’ll find out how to turn paranoia into a career!

Divine by Zero: Starbuck vs. Werewolves and the Drummer from Hell

June 3, 2010

Welcome, Randomologists. I’d like to also extend a warm welcome to the many new readers that have joined in the last three days. Folks, welcome to the madness. You’re now in a pit of semi-controlled chaos held together by delusion and paranoia.

Tell your friends!

Links off the starboard bow!

  • Katee Sackhoff showed that a woman doesn’t have to look like a stick to be sexy, and in Battlestar Galactica, she showed she could also act. Now, she’s going to star in a horror movie called Growl. I kid you not, it’s about an underground fight club that runs into werewolves. Kiefer Sutherland is also in talks to participate. It sounds so ridiculous, it’s GOT to be awesome.
  • Anyone else watch Thundercats as a kid? Well, the studio that did Batman: Gotham Knights and The Animatrix is giving Lion-O and the rest an anime make-over next year. Check out the teaser poster. Personally, I’m teetering between fear that this will be another 80’s love of mine ripped to shreds ala Transformers or the hope that this may be epic.
  • Have you or a loved one been abducted by aliens? No need to fear! This handy-dandy website offers instructions on how to build a telepathy-proof cap. It also has tips on how to kill implanted alien embryos and fight a telepathic war. I only wish it was a parody and not dead serious…
  • Remember Star Wars Kid? Yeah, oh how we laughed… Well, he’s lost the weight, is working on his law degree, and runs a cultural conservation society in his hometown of Trois-Rivières. So, no, he didn’t kill himself. In fact, other than jokes from his old high school mates, he’s doing pretty good for himself. Looks like being in court over the lawsuits against the kids who uploaded the video drove him to pursue law. Not a bad update on something so many of us laughed at… Now I feel kind of bad.
  • How can Patrick Stewart be ANY cooler? Well, how about achieving knighthood? That’s right. He is now Sir Patrick Stewart. He’s the captain of the Enterprise and closer to a Jedi than you or I will ever be. Bow in adoration to your new Man-God!

Patrick Stewart
see more Lol Celebs

  • How’s this for closing the oil gushing into the Gulf of Mexico? Let’s just nuke the frakker.
  • It’s nice to know that, although a vast majority of Americans loathe Sarah Palin, she has the right to kill a reporter. At least, that’s the advice an Alaskan newspaper gave out. See, a writer recently moved next door and Palin’s gone off on how her family is now threatened. A local paper made th veiled threat that Palin has the right to “use of deadly force in protection of life and property.” Oh boy. If Alaska is anything like Texas, any flimsy excuse will do. Here, you pretty much have to step on someone’s grass and look at them in cock-eyed and you can get shot.
  • And finally, check out this drummer past the 1:00 mark. Do you get the feeling he’s in the wrong band?

  • Or for those wanting something more classical… how about some Lady Gaga performed in the classical tradition?

See you all tomorrow. Thanks for reading, and remember to link and share these stories if you like them! For tomorrow, I’m thinking we’ll discuss why it’s okay for your kid to be a loser. Seriously. Let the little brat go home crying.

Okay, maybe nothing that heartless. Still, it should be interesting.

Divine by Zero: Breasts for Egypt, Shark Tea, and Gaga goes to College

It’s the first Saturday posting for Divine by Zero, and what a week it’s been. I want to thank everyone for stopping by the renovated site and sharing these stories. It really does mean a lot to me, and I hope that if you enjoy this site and what passes for humor around these parts, you’ll share these stories and links with friends and family.

I’d like to pass the Huffington Post in monthly views… but then I’d also like to gain superpowers. I’ll settle for increased readership.

In the meantime, take note of the Project Wonderful ad box on the right. Randomology.org is now selling real estate. If you’d like to see an ad for your own site, just click on the link at the bottom of the ad and place a bid.

Anyway, onward! To the links!

  • A professor at Egypt’s al-Azhar University recently proposed a way to end segregation in the workplace. In order to establish a familial bond and negate any chance for sexual encounters, thus allowing men and women to work alone together, Dr. Izzat Atiya suggests that women should breastfeed their male colleagues at least five times. You read that right, folks. The cure for the sexual oppression of women and the separation of the sexes in the Middle East? Boobs.
  • Further proof you do not mess with Ozzy Osbourne. And why you should always be on the lookout for him:

  • Nice Guy Eddy’s Political Blog recently published “Four Levels of Conservative Reasoning,” although the title is a bit misleading. Not all conservatives are crazy (we have our own on the left), but it’s really the kind of logic that any zealot or radical would use to justify his/her stances. I will say, though, it’s an incredible summary of the kinds of lies Beck, Limbaugh, and everyone of Fox routinely spit into the public airwaves.
  • Someone needs to tell big corporations to hire people that check names. Otherwise, you end up with humiliating names like the Wii, the iPad, and now THIS. Be warned… you will never see Shrek the same way again.
  • In the last DbZ, I mentioned a website called America Speaking Out and how, by asking the internet, the GOP awoke the sleeping giant of insanity that is the Web. Now, the Huffington Post has compiled a few of the funnier suggestions from good ol’ red-blooded Americans. I have to say that the suggestion to invade Canada for their oil might be the most sane one in the bunch.
  • If you’re like me, you love you some tea, but have you ever had the urge to make tea LIKE A MAN!? Now you can, thanks to a brilliant designer from Argentina!
  • And in today’s installment of Irony of the Day, San Luis Obispo County recently bought over $20,000 worth of pot for a woman after investigating her for possession. Why? Because the woman in question had a license for up to six pounds of medical marijuana and the sheriff’s department still seized the buds, destroyed them, then lied about having known the woman in question had a license and “forgetting” medical marijuana is legal in California and has been for more than a decade. Oops.
  • The American Family Association recently said in one of its broadcasts that Hitler and his stormtroopers were gay. Not as a condemnation of Nazis, but to show that homosexuals are brutal and cold-blooded killers. You know, I think I’m a pretty good writer, and I know I haven’t done a lot of fiction in a while, but given a week and a bag full of hallucinogens, I couldn’t come up with something dumber than that statement.
  • A good friend of mine turned me to FreakAngels, a wonderfully draw and written online comic about… well, there are psychics, a post-apocalyptic world, and tons of violence. I’m still in the early chapters, so no one ruin it for me!
  • Lady Gaga is already everywhere, but now it seems a few intrepid academics want to study her. While there are no college courses or Gaga Studies yet, a doctoral student named Meghan Vicks and a performer named Kate Durbin have started a website called Gaga Stigmata where they hope to analyze Ms. Gaga’s videos, music, and art in an academic fashion. In an interview, the Doctors of Gaga explained why they feel Lady gaga needs to be taken seriously.
  • If you want to waste a lot of time, try Exit Path, a neat little flash game where you have to run, avoid the swinging axes, spikes, lasers, and other nasty things, and escape the massive city where you’ve been kept prisoner.

That’s all for now. See you on Monday, and keep sharing links to the site!

Divine by Zero: No Mexicans, Kick-Ass Darwin, and Drinking Through Your Eye

I had, at one point, another blog called Divine by Zero. Sadly, it never really went anywhere, but I like the name so much that I’m going to keep it for these alternating posts. So, what’s going on in the world? What can we gleam from these insights of madness?!

Or these links…

  • Did you know that a trend is sweeping the UK that jumped the pond from the US? Soon, it will be socially acceptable to drink vodka through your eye-ball! Or so the Daily Mail will have you believe. Needless to say, some people doubt this is happening, Gawker among them. Personally, I think that if you want to get drunk that fast, just buy a bottle of Everclear and go for it.
  • Someone give this man a medal or something for finally letting me hear Ian McKellen recite the poetry that is the theme to The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. And yes, he does the themes to Duck Tales and Saved by the Bell, too. Now if we could only find someone who will do lines from Jay and Silent Bob as Christopher Lee.

  • This has to be one of the greatest sermons I’ve ever heard. It’s from David Garcia, one of the pastors at the Crossroads Church in Laredo, Texas, giving a sermon with a twist, like always.

So when I was younger and I was living with my uncle, who was a preacher, I went out one day and said, “I’m going to the movies.”

“The movies?” he asked.

“Yes, the movies.” Of course, I went to this party and came home drunk. When my uncle caught me coming home drunk, he asked me where I’d been. I told him I was at the movies. He said I was lying, and he knew it. I asked him how he knew and he said that God had told him I was going to lie. And that really changed the way I saw God.

That night, I prayed and I said, “God… I only have one thing to ask you… stop telling my uncle when I lie.”

  • You know Farmville? Oh, those annoying little status updates you have to block and the hours my students wasted away on planting digital crops. Now, some modern-day Christ has designed FarmVillain, a Facebook application that lets you post status updates on your feed such as “You can now grow hemp on your farm, you know, for making rope,” and “Gift received! Claim your ten illegal farm workers to work on your farm.” That’s it. You click on the story you want and it gets put on your feed. You choose which updates to put up. I’m fond of the “You can now breed wookies on your farm” story, if only for the hilarious shocked wookie graphic.
  • Remember that little thing with Arizona and its law that will encourage racial profiling and cast suspicion on anyone who looks like a foreigner? Well, Rush Limbaugh, champion of the people, is here to quell those concerns. We can’t racially profile, he says, because “Mexican” isn’t a race. Therefore, no racial profiling of Mexicans can take place… It’s one thing when talk radio deadens the political debate. It’s another when it says something so utterly stupid that you have to wonder if the speaker didn’t shove his toothbrush in his ear that morning, scrub around for a minute, then remove it and a substantial amount of brain matter.

And with that, I’ll see you all tomorrow. The Texas Board of Education voted on the final curriculum changes. To put it mildly, they took a piss on the history books before pleasuring themselves with an American flag. It’s… not pretty.

Ah, crap! Now I can’t get that image out of my head!