Star Wars Makes You Gay?

After Don't Ask, Don't Tell got repealed, many of the Empire's finest felt comfortable coming out.

January 30, 2012

A long time ago, in a Galaxy far, far away, Star Wars had more humane marriage laws than we do in modern America.

And the Right is not happy.

It seems that Star Wars: The Old Republic, the latest Star Wars video game, will allow players to enter into homosexual relationships as part of the plot. That’s great! In a modern world where many young people have embraced the idea of gay marriage and gay relationships, it makes sense to give that part of the fan base and population an opportunity to be themselves, even if it is in a world of turbolasers and lightsabers.

Of course, you know what this means?

Star Wars is going to make your kids gay. I know, I know. But now, to my eternal delight, someone has summoned the poor, innocent children. Won’t someone think of the children?!

Can I? by ~NoctisLiberi on deviantART

By the way, the group that is protesting this? It’s the same group that called for a boycott of Girl Scout Cookies. The Family Research Council really has a knack for going after things that are trying to help children or just provide entertainment. I love how they’ve got their tighty-whities in a knot over the possibility of kids seeing a digital gay couple that won’t be able to do anything besies announce its gay and they don’t bat an eyelid over the fact that, in a Star Wars game, starships filled with hundreds or even thousands of people get blown out of the sky on a regular basis. There’s also the little fact that you can have a high Dark Side score by committing questionable acts.

Like murder.

This is what I love about anyone spinning like a top over something like a gay character in a game somehow corrupting the youth. Said critics never seem to be worried about the MASS MURDER going on in video games. It might be the sci-fi aspect, and it’s not like people didn’t complain about killing and guns in games like Grand Theft Auto. But add sex to the equation?

It’s like yelling Frau Blücher. Somewhere, a horse is going to bray.

Star Wars Funnies: Han Solo by *kevinbolk on deviantART

We live in an interesting culture. We can show Starship Troopers on TV and no one bats an eyelid when humans get mangled and torn to bits. Have someone say a curse word or show a boob?


All I’m saying is…

Actually, I’m not saying anything. Let’s just point at the Family Research Council and laugh at them for wasting time trying to warn us of the gender-bending dangers of Star Wars.

And now, let’s watch a sleeping dormouse and start the week off with something cute.

Starbucks Beer

Douche alert! Douche alert!

January 27, 2011

It looks like Starbucks is going to start serving alcohol. This isn’t new news. It was hyped last year, I believe. The company is just really putting feelers out there, as any good company should do when introducing a new product.

This, however, is a horrible idea.

Don’t get me wrong. I love me liquor. I love beer. A good wine is a thing of beauty. I love a good bar where the tables have just enough wear and tear to give them personality. I love bartenders that chat and joke around. I love classic rock or rock in general playing over the speakers or a live band doing a decent cover. That’s what a bar is all about.

Starbucks, I will not drink at your places of business.

Other places serve alcohol, and that’s fine. I expect restaurants, whose primary service is food, to remain clean and relatively quiet. A bar is a bar, though. Starbucks is no bar. I will not be able to enjoy a drink there. I’m sorry, but the general clientele at Starbucks scares me. A lot of them go because it’s trendy. I don’t go to a bar because its trendy. I go for the atmosphere and the affordable happy hour special.

Beer by ~Kingxlol on deviantART

Besides, I already know what’s going to happen if Starbucks goes into the beer, wine, and liquor business.

Prices will be criminal. Expect to pay $8-12 for a glass of wine or a bottle of beer. The cheap stuff, too. They’ll tell you it’s imported from some East German country you’ve never heard off and made with exotic hops or something like that, too.

Despite my coworkers being able to bring in a giant tank of coffee in the mornings, I don’t expect I’ll be able to get a Starbucks keg for lunch to share with everyone. That’s just unfair.

It’s corporate, so expect the same atmosphere in one Starbucks bar to be the same as the next: cold and calculated. Forget about the personal touches. One of my favorite bars, Average Joes, is about as down to Earth as you can get. While they polished themselves a bit, all the pictures are of local shows and the waiters and waitresses at least make an effort to be friendly. It’s dark, not gloomy, and they are successful because they actually introduce new features and shows based on audience feedback. Plus, they make a mean pizza.

Being Starbucks, the company will try to sell their beers and spirits as exotic, rare, and hand-made. It will develop a culture of douchebags who insist on only drinking the highest quality beer, much like pretentious bastards who will only drink their rare Jamaican blend harvested by left-handed pygmies and imported on the full moon. I love high-quality beer, but I’m not above drinking a Bud if someone offers it to me.

And finally, they’ll probably have some ridiculous naming structure for glasses of beer: shot, wide, slammer, and crudo.

And if you don’t know Mexican slang, look up the last one.

Okay, maybe this is paranoia, but I really can’t stand Starbucks. If you have to put THAT much stuff into coffee to drink it, you don’t like coffee. You like the toppings. It’s like people who say they like to drink but can’t stand anything stronger than a hard lemonade.

People who can’t drink anything harder than lemonade piss me off.

See you Monday, and keep sharing links! In the meantime, enjoy a bay deer squeaking.

Tennessee Will Make Your Children Dumb

Proud patriots! All of them. And none owned slaves*

January 23, 2012

I am not part of American history. My ancestors fought and toiled and help build this country into the superpower it is today. Two hundred years ago, slaves built this country on orders of men who claimed everyone was equal. The vast expanse of our nation was cleared of the indigenous populations to make room for a newly born democracy. The thousands who died so colonists would have free land are now remembered with shame. While America has many great qualities, its history is filled with blood and hypocrisy. It’s not that we can’t be better, but to ignore the past is to live a lie.

That lie, it seems, is preferred for the Tea Party. Go figure.

FRANKLIN by *INFPartist on deviantART

In Tennessee, the Tea Party is trying to remove all mentions of slavery and genocide from American history. Why? To make the Founding Fathers look good. According to the so-called patriots:

The material calls for lawmakers to amend state laws governing school curriculums, and for textbook selection criteria to say that “No portrayal of minority experience in the history which actually occurred shall obscure the experience or contributions of the Founding Fathers, or the majority of citizens, including those who reached positions of leadership.”

Fayette County attorney Hal Rounds, the group’s lead spokesman during the news conference, said the group wants to address “an awful lot of made-up criticism about, for instance, the founders intruding on the Indians or having slaves or being hypocrites in one way or another.

“The thing we need to focus on about the founders is that, given the social structure of their time, they were revolutionaries who brought liberty into a world where it hadn’t existed, to everybody — not all equally instantly — and it was their progress that we need to look at,” said Rounds, whose website identifies him as a Vietnam War veteran of the Air Force and FedEx retiree who became a lawyer in 1995.

Let that sink in. We want to tell the truth about our country’s history. But the truth is only whatever these clowns want to tell. “Truth,” then, is a purposely distorted view of history that leaves out parts the Tea Party doesn’t even contest are false. In the same breath where they whine about distortions, they want to leave out key facts they acknowledge to be true. I have written about this before, and I’m glad Tennessee is continuing the grand tradition Texas began of dumbing down education for the sake of politics and ideology.

WW2 – The Golden Age of Propaganda – No. 8 by ~violinmerchant on deviantART

There is, of course, a difference between “facts” and “truth.” A fact is a universally accepted piece of evidence. Was JFK shot? Yes. Did the Founding Fathers have slaves while they wrote “all men are created equal”? Yes. Do Michael Bay movies almost universally suck? That’s a given.

“Truth” is what you make out of the facts, and the more facts you have, the better the “truth” becomes. It was once truth that the sun revolved around the Earth. We worked with the fact that sun moved through the sky and we didn’t feel we were moving. Eventually, we learned more facts and the truth become more complex, culminating with our current cosmological models.

If we cut enough facts for convenience, we can make any argument.

Jeffrey Dahmer was a great cook persecuted for his unorthodox lifestyle.

Bush developed a strategy that good troops into the Middle East and secured much-needed oil, helping American businesses.

Stephanie Meyer wrote a series of books praised by millions.

Newt Gingrich would be a great president because he is charismatic and women love him.

That last one, by the way, has also been argued.

I wish I could stop being surprised at crap like this. I wish I could say I wasn’t shocked to hear that someone wanted to stifle actual education and replace it with a political agenda. The sheer blatant lie, the fact that the Tea Party wants to lie about history and is up-front about it because they don’t like what actually happened, shouldn’t shock me like this.

I guess that’s what I get for still having faith in my countrymen.

Let’s wash all that bad mojo with Liam Neeson fighting wolves. He truly can make anything ten times more awesome.

Glad Paula Dean Has Diabetes? GOOD!

That glow? It's pure evil. And diabetes. Mostly evil, though. Diabetes doesn't glow like that. You need a black light to see diabetes.

January 20, 2012

You know what? I’m going to say it.

I’m glad Paula Dean has diabetes.

I don’t mean that in the personal sense. Diabetes isn’t something fun to have. It affects your life and your choices and makes you plan activities based on sugar. It can be managed and you can lead a fairly normal life, but it’s always there.

I mean this in the professional sense. I’m glad she has diabetes because she hid it for years, makes her money off of showing people how to make ridiculously unhealthy food, she will make money from having this disease, and she takes pride in the last two.

That butter-chugging money whore…

Paula Deen by ~urielstempest on deviantART

And no, I’m not being too mean. I’m being nice. This is being nice. Being mean would involve Photoshopped images of Dean bathing in a tub of melted butter while she eats salt logs covered in bacon. This? This is justice. She willingly made and ate food that would give most of us a heart attack after the first helping. She indulged in trying to convince others to have her intestinal abominations. There really is such a thing as too much bacon and butter. When you have to measure the ingredients by the pound, you’ve crossed a line. You’ve gone to a dark, dark palce, my friend.

She did all of this in a time where obesity is a national epidemic. She made her fame and fortune from encouraging people to hurt themselves and, when she finally suffered the inevitable consequences of her actions, she hid the fact until she made a deal to make MORE money.

The kicker? She’s not going to stop cooking and eating the way she’s been doing it for years.

This is like a pro-skater breaking every bone in his body after an attempted stunt in a career where he urged his fans to never use safety gear. Said skater then keeps acting stupid.

This is like a porn star encouraging people to not use condoms even after getting 47 types of VD and getting pregnant.

Paula Dean by ~imthinkinarby on deviantART

Make no mistake, though. I love food. I love a good steak, a great pasta dish, and have been known, from time to time, to indulge in fine spirits and ales. And bacon? Get out of my way. I will cut you. I will show you’re your still-beating heart and make you regret the microsecond it took you to get between me and pork heaven.

But to everything… moderation.

Dean is not the only cooking star to show how to make dishes to clog your arteries with butter and salt, but she turned up to eleven. She has butter-flavored lip balm with her name on it. No, it’s not a joke. And now she’s selling diabetes medication? This is like Newt Gingrich becoming the spokesman for marriage. Or Rick Santorum shilling for GLAAD. Or me endorsing Twilight.

It’s not the best it.

To Paula Dean, the person, I’m sorry you have diabetes and will have it for the rest of your life. To Paula Dean, the cook and businesswoman, I hope this teaches you a lesson, you hypocritical bacon-munching sack of carbs.

And now, let’s wash bad thoughts away by embracing the awesomeness of the COOLEST 8 year old EVER. No joke. Check it out, and I’ll see you on Monday.

The Most Beautiful Woman?

She's perfect, and I get to marry her. Envy me.

January 11, 2012

Ladies, please stay. Guys, you can leave. Actually, guys, stay for this one. This is our fault. All of us. Yes, even the ones who are single right now. Actually, especially the ones who are single right now.

The Daily Mail recently put out a picture it claims is a composite of the most beautiful celebrities. Apparently, based on a poll of most attractive features on various celebrities, the final composite should be the most beautiful woman in the world, a Venus of perfection, the genetic offspring of a billion wet dreams.

In truth, it looks like a mutant reject from Victoria’s Secret.

The Perfect face by ~327588 on deviantART

Is this what we’ve come to? It’s not bad enough that we’ve Photoshopped the hell out of perfectly good-looking women. It’s not enough that we’ve agreed on some perfect weight and figure everyone woman must achieve. It’s not enough that “young and blond and cocaine-chic” is standard for any actress who wants to break into Hollywood or stay there. You have to have the same facial structure and body type. The more plastic, the better, eventually.

What happened, people? Look at older actresses. They have their slight imperfections, every one of them. Jennifer Connelly, for example, has those big ol’ eyebrows that would make Robert Pattinson envious. Even someone like Marilyn Monroe, despite actually being quite thin yet well-rounded, is not a sexual icon because everything fit together perfectly or she had no imperfections. It was the way she carried herself.

It’s those little imperfections that make a woman beautiful. It’s everything. Mind, body, and heart. My fiancée is a beautiful. Everything about her is gorgeous. I love the little beauty mark above her lip. I love the way she looks just as she wakes up and smiles. It’s not just her looks, either. I love when she, as she puts it, “gets girly,” and giggles when she’s normally very sarcastic and blunt about things. I love hearing her laugh.

Mi amor… by *dagger3000 on deviantART

Ladies, young women, and girls, you’ve been done a disservice. You’ve been told you’re not young enough, thin enough, white enough, dark enough, any number of things. You’ve been told to get liposuction or get your stomach stapled. You’ve been told to dye your hair to match some unnatural hue. You’ve been broken and beaten and made to feel like crap. Now, someone took the time to show everyone what “beauty” is based on a series of polls and bad photomanipulation.

You’re beautiful. You don’t have to look like Kim Kardashian. In fact, even looking like Kim Kardashain can’t hide the sheer ugliness inside. If there is any ugliness in you, it’s personality-based. No matter how much you hate your hair, your stomach, your breasts, your legs, or anything else, a body that’s been splayed over every magazine cover on Earth won’t help you.

It’s been said every woman has her own special beauty. Don’t be ashamed of what you perceive to be your imperfections. They may be part of what makes you unique.

Guys, don’t forget to tell someone close to you she’s beautiful. Every day. Don’t let them forget. Ever.

And now, so we can all just feel a little better, here are some people getting hurt because of stupidity. Their own.

Deporting 14 Year Olds… For America

This is where we send all the little terrorist black kids... Or something.

January 10, 2012

I will not say that all law enforcement is incompetent. I will not say they are racist. I will not say this happened because it happened in Texas. I will, however, say that the ICE officers who deported a 14 year-old American citizen who spoke no Spanish to Colombia should be dragged out on Main Street and at the bare minimum pelted with various rotten fruits and vegetables.


Jakadrien Turner ran away from home and was later apprehended for theft. She gave a fake name that happened to belong to a Colombian immigrant who had warrants for her arrest. I guess if we didn’t have fingerprints, photos, or any other information on said immigrant, it makes sense that ICE saw fit to deport Jakadrien. Except they did. The warrant clearly stated the person the warrant asked for was 22 years old. Not only that, but the warrant clearly stated the woman was from Colombia.

Being Colombian, you’d think that the ability to speak Spanish would be important. ICE thought otherwise.

USA: Built by Migrants by ~hextakeshold on deviantART

It’s funny how the agency immediately went to the standard response of “people slip through the cracks.” This wasn’t a crack. They took Jakadrien’s fingerprints. Seeing as how the actual criminal was Colombian, I’m going to assume there are more than a few people with the name of Tika Lanay Cortez. Latin American names tend to repeat. Trust me. Ice officials say they performed the appropriate interviews and came up with nothing to prove she wasn’t a Colombian citizen as she originally claimed.

Have these idiots never heard of the fallacy of proving a negative?

Besides, Jakadrien was FOURTEEN. What database was she going to appear in? What official record with photo and fingerprints was going to list her? They went to prove she was NOT a Colombian national? That’s nearly impossible. You can’t prove a negative, especially when the accused is not old enough to even have a driving permit.

Minority by ~angelinecstatic on deviantART

If I said I’d checked my car before going on a long trip but what I’d really done was look at the tires and made sure I had enough gas, I’d probably be asking for something bad to happen. ICE messed up. This isn’t a case of someone falling through the cracks. There is no excuse for this. A young girl lies and her punishment was a year in a strange country where she couldn’t even communicate with anyone? Yes, she may have stolen something, but this is unnacceptible. Someone saw a young black girl, found out she may have been an illegal alien, and just sent her to a new continent.

Like I said, this is not a condemnation of all the officials and employees of ICE and Border Patrol. I know a few people who help keep our borders safe and they do a fine job.

The incident with Jakadrien, though, shows that, somewhere in Texas, there is someone with the power to deport with just hearsay.

Fear for your country.

And now, to wash that away, here’s a Skyrim mod with Macho Man Randy Savage as a dragon. And disco music.