Jan 292013
Sep 192011
It might be voting for the GOP, but that's just me.
September 19, 2011
I’m officially designating Michelle Bachmann Target Alpha and Perry Target Bravo. Perry has said and done some truly horrific things, but it’s the nature of Bachmann’s insane rants that wins her this week’s coveted Head Up Your Own Ass for the Warmth Award. And who doesn’t want to win the coveted HUYOAW Award?
On top of claiming that global climate change is not real because carbon dioxide is natural, Bachmann has gone ahead and claimed that HPV immunizations cause mental retardation. Which means that, if she’s right, she and Palin and everyone who follows them has already been injected.
What is the proof? Where is the study and years of data that show that mental faculties sharply drop after receiving this vital immunization?
Well, it’s like this. Someone just told Bachmann.
Michele Bachmann by ~pxmolina on deviantART
No, really. According to Bachmann, some woman approached her after an event and said her daughter had been given the vaccine and became mentally retarded as a result. Did Bachmann present numbers? Do research? Consult her staff?
Actually, that last one’s kind of funny. According to her former chief of staff, Bachmann doesn’t actually consult with her staff before she says something. She writes her own speeches, something I can tell you requires a full job position. Even better, while she does read a lot, she seemingly glosses over a lot of information. Basically, Bachmann hears something and fits it with her preconceptions and whatever works.
I don’t doubt that some vaccines have adverse effects. However, the CDC reported that out of 35 million HPC vaccines handed out to women all over the country, there were 18,727 adverse effects. Ninety-two percent of these effects were not-threatening. That means that only about 1,500 patients had severe effects. And out of those patients with serious side-effects, it’s the same percentage of people in non-vaccinated groups that would have suffered the same effects so…
There is nothing to link the vaccine to any of these symptoms.
A Vaccine For Sorrow by ~o0neoblack0o on deviantART
Are vaccinations dangerous? No more so than being afraid of seatbelts because you’re afraid you might break your collarbone if you crash. Parents have every right to dictate how they raise their children, but they become irresponsible when they deny said children potentially life-saving treatments on the off-chance a currently unknown disease or symptom crops up. Vaccines have helped wipe out diseases or push them to the brink of extinction.
A does not follow B all the time. If you give a baby a vaccination and said baby develops autism, it’s not necessarily the vaccine’s fault. Said kid could have already had the disease. Or had Sarah Palin for a mother, in which case the kid has a whole other set of problems.
Bachmann has said a lot of really stupid things, but this is the first time, I think, she could genuinely cost lives. She’s an idiot, and I bet good money it didn’t take a shot to do that to her.
Michele Bachmann chooses STD’s – watch more funny videos
Aug 302011
It's true. If we don't put Earth first, the Martians win.
August 30, 2011
People still believe the sun revolves around the Earth. And no, these aren’t some loony fringe group in some backwaters compound. This is an actual splinter group of the Catholic Church. They held a conference at the University Of Notre Dame. And if this story is to be believed, it is growing in numbers.
Really? That’s what we’ve come to? The sun revolves around the Earth?
Let me break it down for everyone. If a book written during the Bronze Age says one thing, but centuries of observation and data say something else, if the OBSERVED information contradicts said book, the SCIENCE is still right.
A theory, in scientific terms, is not a “guess.” That is a “hypothesis.” Something cannot be called a theory in science unless it has stood up to decades, often centuries, of scrutiny and testing. The “theory” of gravity doesn’t mean we’re guessing gravity exists. It means we’ve observed that objects tend to gravitate towards each other and larger objects create much more pull. Maybe it means planets and moons love each other and want to be close together, but we have no evidence for that, just evidence for the mechanics that govern the motions of stars and galaxies and everything else.
Stop trying to use “vocabulary” to discredit science.
The Earth is Round flat by ~rnd79 on deviantART
You know what? I’m pissed. Whenever one of these backbirth groups pops up, they usually take to radio, or television, or the internet in order to broadcast their ignorance. I guarantee you these groups are shooting videos and getting the words out electronically.
You know what made those technologies possible?
Science!
If you have no respect for scientific advancement, for the fruits that science has given us, get off the internet and go back to the Pony Express. This is a place made possible by scientific discoveries, everything from the electron to the microprocessor. It is engineers and scientists reaching to make the most of the knowledge they have. Science has cured diseases. Science has extended our lifespans. Science took us to the moon and makes it possible for me to stream Hellraiser while I type this.
Science is the act of observing the world and discovering the rules that govern reality based on those observations. It is impossible to “prove” something, but highly possible to “disprove” it. All it takes is ONE piece of evidence. Something we can all measure equally.
If you want to dispute said observations, fine. Science welcomes your challenge. Scienc change as new observations come in. This is not a weakness in the process, but rather a strength. Religion doesn’t do this. It has to get dragged kicking and screaming to accept change. Old theories don’t just vanish. Relativity didn’t overthrow Galilean physics. It supplemented them, much like quantum mechanics didn’t replace relativity.
Pseudoscience by ~Vampiraldi on deviantART
All I’m saying is…
Just don’t walk up to science with snot in your nose a juice box in your hand. If you want to argue, come with something better than, “Magic book from desert nomads says so.”
And people wonder why fundamentalists aren’t taken seriously…
And to wash that taste away, here’s a short film based on Portal 2. Enjoy!
Aug 242011
Yes, the eyes are Photoshopped. No, the base image is not fake. Yes, she really does look insane ALL THE TIME.
August 24, 2011
As Mary and I watched The Silence of the Lambs (again), something happened that made me sit up and take note. No, it wasn’t that Buffalo Bill is now apparently Captain of the San Francisco Homicide Division. Apparently, Michelle Bachmann is a serial killer or agrees with their actions.
Now, hold on. I’m going to employ some Right-Wing thinking to connect the dots.
Bachmann was adamant she wanted to use Tom Petty’s “American Girl.” Petty insisted she couldn’t, but Bachmann went ahead anyway. That same song played in Silence of the Lambs right before Buffalo Bill took his sixth victim.
Bachmann also said she was proud to be from the same town as John Wayne… Gacy. She insists she meant John Wayne, but THAT Wayne was from a different town.
Finally, Bachmann mixed up Elvis’ birth and death dates, which could be a simple result of her staff being comprised of chimps and barely-sentient mayonnaise. However, this would seem to indicate a need to celebrate death.
What’s the result of all these incidents? Bachamann must either be a serial killer or sympathize with them. It’s the only explanation that makes sense.
Fluttershy Bachmann by ~GonzoTheAnime on deviantART
Of course, this is nothing but wild imaginings. It’s the kind of logic that makes Beck see a world-wide conspiracy from progressives that is both well-funded and coordinated and somehow has escaped everyone else’s investigations. It’s the kind of logic that people like the NRA use when they claim that any form of gun legislation is some attempt by the United Nations to get their guns. It’s the same kind of logic bad students use when they claim teachers are out to get them when said students don’t even do the work.
It’s the logic of the conspiracy theorist. Take a series of events, however random, and link them to a preconceived notion. Beck, for example, believes he is right about everything, which for anyone else would be simple narcissism and delusion. He’s an addict, a former druggie and alcoholic, and his brain works by latching itself to things it likes. The idea of being persecuted, of being special, is at the heart of all conspiracies involving cover-ups. That’s like candy for Beck’s brain.
conspiracy theory demote by ~marsmar on deviantART
Making weird connections like this is usually glamorized for shows like House. Finding the patterns in the chaos is the whole point of this site, in fact. However, just seeing connections is not enough. You have to be able to prove each step. Don’t start with the conclusion and then find evidence for it or you’ll invite others to have to disprove your theory.
For example, anyone out there care to disprove my Bachmann serial killer theory? Go ahead. I’ll wait.
Conspiracy by ~stevensonalexj on deviantART
Jun 302011
June 30, 2011
Holy crap! A new Divine by Zero? Really?
Yeah. See, time’s going to get really tight in the next few weeks, and I have to be a lot more conscious of the time I have to write. I’m going to start teaching a middle school writing course over the next few weeks, so there goes a lot of my time. Combined with moving and a lot of other things, and I get maybe an hour a day to do these posts, so these Divine by Zero articles will be the place to go for the weird and the things I just don’t have the time to write about in the regular articles.
Let’s get started with today’s batch.
- What would happen if the Beatles got signed today? The results are… terrifying.
- This billboard in the Phillipines is TRUE green advertising. Really.
- Chihuahuas are the tiny snacks of the animal kingdom. They’re uppity and serve no purposes… until I saw this little guy working as a sheep dog. A chihuahua sheep dog. let that sink in for a moment.
- I don’t always drink mixed drinks, but when I do, I prefer an All Your Base Are Belong To Us. Or Maybe a Ceiling Cat. no, really. These are drink recipes based on internet memes.
- And yes, I know that was a meme within a meme about memes. Let’s pay homage to the original guy, shall we?
- If you watch science fiction or horror in any way shape or form, you’ve probably seen Brian Thompson. You may not know his name, but you’ve seen him. He’s one of those guys you just know from his voice, and aside from starring in a lot of cheesy movies (Mortal Kombat sequel, anyone?) he has a lot more going for him. Check out the last paragraph in this bio.
- There are times the students make me want to do this…
- So… Justin Beiber goes out in public, knowing full well his fans are crazy obsessed, and some old guy tackled him. Okay, you might say, just arrest the guy. Beiber wasn’t hurt. But his fans were. Oh dear God, the fans. Apparently, the death threats against Kim Kardashian and Selema Gomez were not enough. THESE death threats make Bond villains look subtle.
- Kansas banned abortion. Well, they didn’t REALLY ban it. All they did was make it so difficult for clinics to meet state standards that no clinic can get its new license. So, yeah. I guess they did ban it.
- If anybody out there reads Japanese, could they please tell me the context of this nifty little English phrase in this book? I have a feeling that knowing the answer may be worse than not knowing, but I’m willing to give it a shot.
- New York’s legalization of gay marriage was momentous, and these images of the celebrations are both touching and beautiful. Well, done, New York.
- On the other hand, Pat Robertson was not amused. he goes on an warn us about raping angels and that no civilization that has accepted homosexuality has survived. Well, NO civilization has survived intact.
- This guy REALLY loves sandwiches. And he’ll show you how make them. With style!
- And finally, this is for the gaming geeks out there. I always had a problem with the whole concept of “the chainmail bikini,” not only because it objectified women and made it hard to invite girls to games, but because in a world of dragons and magic, I actually found THAT to be the least believable thing in the world. That being said, how would you average adventuring female react to actually having to wear this? And who thought it would be a good idea?
Jun 032011
To paraphrase the Daily Show, religion brings us together in a world torn apart by religion.
June 3, 2011
No, not THAT kind of Jewish problem, although this was perhaps the most shocking title I could think of to get some attention. If you clicked on the link hoping for some anti-Semitic post, you’re out of luck, pal. Try THIS charming pile of dogma and race-based attacks.
Anyway, it looks like in a bid to make sure he makes even more obscene amounts of money, Glenn Beck is staging a rally in Israel to make sure they and God know we are on the right side of history. I, and everyone else who’s seen him preach for more than five minutes, knows this is a publicity stunt to get money. The man is charging $4,500 to go to this rally. He’s made several predictions, such as his assertion than the West will fall in the next few months, and Westerners will no longer be able to see the holy sites, and that we will have a second Jewish Holocaust.
All of it, of course, is crap.
However, this does bring up an odd point when it comes to Americans and Israel. Obama gave a speech where he asked for Israel to go back to the borders it had in the 1960’s. It’s not a stance that’s new or even that controversial. Even Dubya made the same proposal without too much fanfare by comparison. However, the response from the Right was “Obama wants to destroy Israel because he’s suggesting a course of action Israel doesn’t want to follow.”
In fact, any time someone mentions a course of action that might inconvenience Israel, the Right has a collective heart attack. We must stand with Israel, they say! We have to stand by them no matter what!
…Why?
Independence Day by ~Katrina-Crane on deviantART
Okay, let’s look at this from a purely physical sense. Has the global Jewish community suffered? Oh, of course. No matter how people insist on denying it, the Holocaust occurred, and even before that, Jews were often rounded up into ghettos and anti-Semitism is not a new phenomenon. Whether or not you believe Israel should have been created is another matter, but the reality is that the state exists and it faces serious questions as to how it and its neighbors will coexist.
But since when do we just give a free pass to any country to just do whatever it wants? Why do we believe we must help Israel at all costs JUST BECAUSE it is Israel? Remember, these are the same American conservatives who balk at the idea of affirmative action and welfare.
The answer has to do with the American Christian conservatives. If you’ve ever read through the book of Revelation, and it’s a fun read if you’re drunk, you’d know that Jews returning to the Holy Land is one of the conditions that must happen before Christ returns. And Christ returning is a big deal. He’s going to be on boxes of Wheaties and get his own toy in Happy Meals.
It will be a glorious day for Christendom, a day Christians have been eagerly awaiting for more than two thousand years…
Except that it doesn’t end well for the Jewish community. Not at all. See, the list of who gets to go to heaven is, well… small.
armageddon by ~AngrychasingBear on deviantART
When Beck and others say they are pro-Jew, they are only supporting Israel, not the Jewish people. Beck himself has a long history of promoting the work of anti-Semites and using Jewish stereotypes when attacking George Soros. Becky Boy even went so far as to claim that Soros, a holocaust survivor who has helped topple Communist regimes all over the world, helped the Nazis kill Jews. He and others have also made the very bold claim that we have abandoned the Jewish people by not going fully with everything Israel wants to do.
The problem, though, is that in their minds, “Israel” and “Jews” are the same thing. Never mind that Jews here in the States didn’t see anything wrong with Obama’s proposal. Never mind that hundreds of rabbis have condemned Beck’s rhetoric. For the Right, “Jews” and “Israel” are the same thing. Not supporting Israel is tantamount to racism.
They link Hebrew teachings and Israel like they link Christianity and America. Of course, Israel really was founded on Jewish principles for Jewish people.
But think about this for a moment. Like I said, the Right gives Israel a free pass because Jews have suffered, yet the Right doesn’t like entitlement programs. A lot of the attitude we have in this country towards Israel is based on the idea that we have to make things fair for them. The Right says we must do everything in our power to help Israel, yet what they really want is to hasten the End Times. And like I said, it doesn’t end well for, well, anyone.
Plagues, famine, and the war to end all wars.
When someone says not supporting Israel, no matter what the country does, is anti-Semitic, please remind them that there is a difference between the state and the religion. This isn’t about what is best for the nation or for Judaism. This rant is about this country’s default position and why we go there. I’m not saying to not support Israel, because I think we should. I just wonder at both our motives and our real reasons for wanting to help them. Beck and others like him don’t really understand the concept and, although I’m sure Beck is just putting on a show for money, many only want to help Jews because they believe it will bring Jesus back.
One entire ethnicity wiped out so JC can come back? Sounds fair, right?
JEWISH PRIDE by *Gravitydesign on deviantART
Well, now that we’ve had enough apocalyptic visions for one week, let’s get to those links.
- These ultrasound images make me wonder who the father was…
- The KKK held a counter-protest against the Westboro Baptist Church. It’s real and I swear it sounds like some sort of comedy sketch about the First Amendment.
- Some anti-AIDS ads were taken off of city buses. The explanation given is… suspect.
- When one awesome person meets another awesome person and someone else takes a picture, the resulting image is one of the great crossovers in history.
- Speaking of fanatics, Justin Beiber’s fans are NOT happy he was a girlfriend. At all. Reading these tweets, it’s as though Beiber had been seduced by Satan himself. I’m sure some of these messages count as death threats and should be investigated.
- Having grown up in Mexico, a piñata was always a joyous occasion… though I can’t recall anyone letting go of the bat and smacking someone else in the face.
- I admit I never really watched Conan O’Brien, but I always thought he was pretty funny when I did catch him. This documentary of his post-NBC career and the comedy show he headlined seems to shows a side of him I’d really not seen before.
- And finally, to really get an idea of the kind of brain washing we subject our population to, the kind of thinking we instill on children, check out the following video explaining why we have so many patriots who dogmatically defend this country despite reason. See you on Monday!
May 042011
Can we celebrate this?
May 4, 2011
My sister called me to her apartment. My fiancé and I don’t have cable, and she said Obama was about to announce that Bin Laden was dead. Mary and I rushed to her place and waited until Obama confirmed, without a doubt, that the man responsible for the 9/11 attacks was in fact dead, killed by a precision operation in Pakistan.
Right then and there, I felt two things. First, I was glad that the mass-murdering son of a bitch responsible for pushing us into a pseudo-police state complete with socially acceptable racism and fear that Big Brother is watching us finally got the bullet to the head he deserved.
Secondly… I caught myself for thinking that I was glad Bin Laden got a bullet in the head.
PWND Osama Bin Laden by ~6amcrisis on deviantART
Look, I remember the horror when the Twin Towers were hit. They wouldn’t let us have the news on for the first part of class that day and all I’d seen was the second plane hit live. When they finally turned the news back on, all we saw was a cloud of dust.
“Where are the towers? Where are the towers?”
I must have repeated it for a full minute before my brain finally accepted that they were gone.
I shut myself in my room when I saw that we’d invaded Iraq as one of my “friends” cheered for more bloodshed. I watched video on CNN that reminded me too much of the first Gulf War.
I worked in DC during the ninth anniversary of the attacks and could hear “Amazing Grace” playing from every office in the Cannon Office Building as everyone paused for the memorial at the Pentagon. It was the only sound you could hear through the tall halls of the Cannon House Office Building right by the Rotunda.
The Big Apple by ~jamesbaby286 on deviantART
And despite having pushed us into a world where air travel is a humiliating experience complete with full body scans, a world where Muslims are still persecuted for the actions of a few radicals, a world where a sizable percentage of my countrymen yearn for war and blood and we seem to be regressing, I don’t think I wanted Bin Laden dead. I wanted him on trial. When the victims are dead, those of us that stay behind must speak for them. I wanted him to spend the rest of his life in a cell plastered with the pictures of the men and women he helped kill and the servicemen and women who were killed or maimed because our leadership started two wars to try and capture him.
But not dead.
Still, I can’t say I didn’t cheer when I heard the news.
Osama bin Ladin, Finally Dead by =Mihaii on deviantART
Even though this may make things worse, for a moment at least, I feel a sense of relief. Yes, the revenge killings will probably come, but I feel a sense of closure, however bitter it may be. It’s like Bin Laden had this Xanatos Gambit where getting killed would show us to be revenge-drive lunatics like his own bombers and, if he lived, we would appear weak. Someone like him very likely had no intention of being taken alive. Whatever happened, we lost in the end.
Not that I don’t think he deserved what he got, though.
Frankly, a Navy SEAL team shooting him is merciful. I wanted to drop him into the middle of Times Square, shine a spotlight on him and say, “Have at it, folks,” while I handed out hammers and skinning knives to the people of New York City.
But maybe that’s just me.
see more Memebase and check out our Troll Face lols!
Well, link time to make everyone feel a little better.
- It turns out that one of the brave Navy SEALS go got Bin Laden is a Mexican American born here from parents who immigrated from my homestate of Guanajuato. Viva Mexico!
- The 501st did a charity drive complete with Slave Leia’s and skimpy Stormtrooper outfits. Nerds, rejoice!
- Looks like the FBI has to update a few things…
- You might be thinking that an $88,000 watch is ridiculous, and you’d be right, but that doesn’t mean that the reviews for this amazingly over-prized watch aren’t hilarious in on themselves. Did you know it’s made of Popes?
- Ladies and gentlemen, the greatest president of all time (cue lame pun).
- The Right is already spinning Bin Laden’s death as everything from a tragedy to proof of corruption. Wow. A hundre4d bucks says that if Bush had given the order, they wouldn’t be complaining.
- And in case anyone says otherwise, we didn’t get the intel from torture.
- I want to be clear on one thing. I have MANY qualms against Obama (his reluctance to embrace gay rights, not closing Guantanamo, bending over for the GOP), but he gets credit for this. Why? Because Bin Laden wasn’t on the planes either. He just, well, ordered the attack.
- The Right Wing, Fox included, are already coming up with all sorts of conspiracy theories. Some don’t think Bin Laden is dead. Some don’t think that DNA evidence is enough to prove it was him. Beck sees this as some sort of chess move in a five-dimensional board only he can see. Oh, yay for the targets of opportunity!
- It turns out Bin Laden was hiding in a really nice house… Less than a mile from Pakistan’s military academy. Please try and convince me the Pakistani government didn’t know about this.
- And finally, want to see a great prank pulled of to ridiculous lengths? Check out this ghost prank from Japan. Frankly, if I were that guy, I would have messed up my pants. See you guys on Friday!
Oct 292010
I'm a metaphor.
October 29, 2010
I wrote a draft of this story years ago for a college writing course. Apparently, I gave a few girls nightmares. I don’t know if it’s that scary, but I certainly got a creepy feeling while writing this. If you don’t know who el cucuy is, just think of it was the Mexican version of the boogeyman.
Anyway, have a safe Halloween and go be wild! It’s the one night of the year you can dress up like Batman and people won’t look at you like you’re insane.
The Gathering - A Life All Mine
Lyrics
Trauma by =loojeen on deviantART
I was six the first time I saw the el cucuy. My mom and dad had been fighting all afternoon, but once they calmed down I asked my dad if I could set up my Cub Scout tent in the backyard and camp. He said it would be fine as long as I didn’t cross the tree line into the monte, into the wilderness with the wolves, and cactus, and rattlesnakes. I took a bag of animal crackers, some juice boxes, a few comic books, and a flashlight to read them once it got dark. I even snuck out a book of legends my dad kept in the living room. I took it even though he told me I was too young to read it. When it got dark, I opened it and looked through the pictures and tried to read a few of the stories. There were pictures of killers, screaming innocents, demons in the shadows, and the monsters that followed us from Mexico to America. I didn’t know what any of it meant. I pulled the sleeping bag over my head and peered at the pictures and hoped demons wouldn’t hurt me.
I looked at my watch and saw it was almost midnight and my parents were fighting again. The pictures burned into my mind while I stared at rough drawings of el cucuy and other monsters as I tried to drown the screams inside the house with the gray, black, and white of the book.
Ghost Stories II by ~PrincessArwen on deviantART
At one in the morning, I heard the rustling outside my tent. Mom and dad were still shouting inside. I turned my flashlight off and crept to the tent’s zipper, opening the flap as carefully as possible. My sweaty little hands grabbed the flashlight like it was my mom’s hand. It must have taken me hours to open the flap.
My eyes quickly adjusted to the moonlight when I finally looked outside. The house sat less than thirty feet from me, and behind me I could hear the sounds of the desert. A cricket played his fiddle in the dark. A whitetail buck scurried between the bushes. I also heard something crunching. It sounded like cookies being eaten. I crawled around the tent on my stomach until I could see the big elm tree behind me.
Something was curled up beside the tree, its back facing me while I tried to move as little as possible and not even disturb the grass. I could see nothing but black skin in the moonlight until it stopped munching on whatever it was eating. It turned slightly. A strand of sugar-white hair fell almost to the ground from its head. I followed the hair all the way up to the half of its face that was staring at me. A pin-prick of red light stood where its eye should have been. It turned and looked at me.
The thing spoke.
It sounded like a hiss and a whisper, something more animal than actual language. Needle-sharp teeth poked out of its gums like a piranha’s. It had ice-white hair, wild and free, that reached almost to the floor. Its skin was jet-black and the glow from its eyes gave it a sharp edge like a knife. I could see long pointed ears, horns I thought briefly, and even though I was fixed on the light from those eyes, I got the impression it was a “he.”
He turned around and ran into the monte, impossibly fast, and I tried to follow, but I lost him when he jumped into the brush.
I returned to the tent and found what remained of an animal cracker wrapper. It still had half a note stuck on it, “If you get hungry later. –Mom.”
Animal Crackers by ~AloneInMyRegret on deviantART
My parents were busy with the divorce for several weeks. Every time I wanted to tell them about el cucuy, they just asked me to come back later. They had things to do. I stayed with my mom while my dad moved in with a friend of his. During those few weeks, I wanted him around. I wanted to talk to him and play basketball. On Saturdays, he used to take me out for ice cream. My mom was lactose intolerant. She and I had cookies when I got back.
On Saturdays, then, I had a lot of free time. Once the sun went down, I would sit on the windowsill in the living room and look out into el monte behind the house. Once it got dark, I turned off the lights inside so I could see further into hills. It was easier when there was a full moon, but even then I could barely tell the difference between the trees and anything else moving along the undergrowth. I kept my ear close to the window to hear anything that might break the silence.
After my mom won custody, I watched long after she thought I had gone to bed. She would kiss me good night and close my door, but I would sneak to the living room and stare out into the darkness for hours, until I could no longer keep my eyes open.
I didn’t see el cucuy again for several years.
To be continued…
Want to read more? Just visit the main Charcoal Streets page and take a look at the complete stories, samples, and other fun features, and stay tuned in 2011 for the release of the first volume of collected stories!
The demon by ~Mndcntrl on deviantART
Oct 042010
Watch your nuts!
October 4, 2010
I want you to read the following sentence and make sense of it on the first try:
A magisterial district judge with almost 20 years on the bench was arrested for handing out acorns filled with condoms.
Okay, did you get all that? The story’s been circulating around the internet, and for the longest time, I didn’t get it. It seemed like the kind of crime that had no damage other than some people who were offended at being given a condom. In fact, it seemed like a really stupid crime.
Not even a crime. It’s a dumb thing to do. I know that sounds funny on a site called RANDOMology, but this was just way too random even for me. Why acorns? And condoms? Was this some hidden stab at ACORN? Some statement on sex education? Woo gets offended at being given a condom?
What the hell is going on?!
inconsistent confusion by =Hakii on deviantART
Frankly, after fifteen minutes, I would have called the cops on this judge just for the headache I was getting trying to figure this out.
It wasn’t until I read the full account of what happened that I understood. Sort of.
See, the judge had read somewhere about a joke where you give someone a nut of some sort and tell them it came from a rubber tree. You then tell the mark that if you make a wish and break the rubber tree nut, your wish will come true. They open the nut and… they find a condom.
Rubber tree. Get it?
Yeah, it’s a really stupid joke.
This story’s been making the rounds online because, well… it’s just bizarre.
There are a lot of unanswered questions, and even the police report doesn’t offer a lot of clues.
IG: Let’s investigate… by ~oOMaD-MonkeYOo on deviantART
How many nuts did the judge hollow out? If it was two or three, fine, but if it was a dozen or more, that begs the question as to what this judge hoped to accomplish. Let’s say, just to make this guy sound normal, he only made five or six acorns. This still means he had to sit there and carefully hollow out the nuts. That takes patience. This guy is a judge. He doesn’t have anything better to do?
Then there’s the actual execution of the joke. Why give the acorns to random strangers? If he’d given them to people in the office, it would still have been weird for a veteran of the judicial system to do this, but it would have been an office prank. I’m really confused, and I’m used to dealing with weird things. This one just makes no sense.
I think it would be easier to digest if a police officer gave out whoopee cushions filled with mangoes.
Or maybe if Bill Clinton walked around and gave out signed Trix cereal boxes with puppy food inside.
I think I could figure those out. This one? Not so much. Any theories?
Le Acorn by ~minnie-themousekid on deviantART
Links ahoy!
- Katy Perry thinks sex, religion, and rock don’t mix. I think she just described the recipe for the greatest movie, album, or image ever! Methinks this should be an article in on itself.
- As much as I love her, Carmen Sandiego did not age well. At all.
- Scientists have announced the discovery for the first possible Goldilocks planet, so named because it is just warm enough for water to exist in its liquid state. This also makes it a prime candidate for life. My fellow nerds, we’ve found an M-class planet! Rejoice at the marvels of science!
- We can all talk about the uses of the internet and what it’s good for, but this? THIS is why Youtube was invented. Right here. No arguments.
- Dolphins are cute and make for tasty tuna. We like to think of them as graceful and playful. But who knew they could also be total klutzes?
- And finally, straight from Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal, I present “The Writer.” I don’t know what’s more sad. The Writer’s thought process or that the ending might be realistic. You decide!
Jul 142010
Release the hounds!
July 14, 2010
A good friend asked me a few days ago, “Why are you so obsessed with a crappy film series you hate?!”
I’m paraphrasing, but the sentiment is the same.
Why indeed? I’ve gotten the same question regarding Glenn Beck, Palin, Limbaugh, the Tea Party, Eragon, and other people and institutions. Why should I focus so much energy talking about things and people I loathe and think have nothing useful to contribute? By my own admission, I think Beck is a liar and a conman who does nothing but swindle people way too gullible to be allowed mobility without a leash.
And that’s why I rail against these people.
Epic battle by ~Kalopz on deviantART
Speak Now
I listen to Beck, I sat down to watch Twilight, and I look through who knows much video to bring these commentaries to you because I think I have something interesting to say and these people are talking and others are listening. The only difference between O’Reilly and a crazy guy at a retirement home ranting about the evils of Youtube and gay marriage leading to duck marriage is that O’Reilly has an audience that listens to and believes him.
Beck has millions convinced he is some sort of non-prophet prophet. He’s made politics into a religious war and has stirred people into frenzies that have resulted in deaths. He now wants his followers to monitor websites that spew progressive messages.
Hey, Beck! I’m right here!
If he was still a cocaine-addled shock-jock on some rinky-dink radio station, I couldn’t care less what he said. But, again, people listen to and believe him.
Millions have bought and read Twilight. Young women, and girls, have come to idolize the Edward-Bella relationship for something to strive for. If those two cardboard cutouts just went all lovey-dovey, that’d be fine, but their relationship is abusive and demeaning to women. To see it as a good standard is to set yourself up for disappointment and pain.
Everyone needs their Delusions by ~Sabertooth1980 on deviantART
Forever Hold Your Peace
Arguing with Twilight fans is futile. Trying to make Beck or his cultists see the blatant hypocrisy of this rodeo clown is almost equally fruitless. We’re dealing with people who have detached from reality to such an extent that even when presented with facts, with a rational, unbiased argument, will ignore it and go back to a fantasy world they’ve used to replace reality.
Thousands of bad books get published. There will always be crazy men and women touting conspiracy theories. But I don’t feel like going after them because they’re mostly harmless to the whole. They achieve nothing.
These people, though, do real damage. They affect the world and bring lies. To ignore them is to say that I don’t hold my own beliefs in high regard. I value artistic talent in all its forms and it pains me to see people hold Meyer’s tripe as some golden standard because they don’t know better. I earned my citizenship into this country because I wanted it, so when guys like Beck and Limbaugh insist that I am somehow a bad citizen or even a non-citizen, an enemy, because I believe what I believe, you bet I’m going to say something.
Incendiary by *jollyjack on deviantART
This is My Rifle
I’ll mention some stories to friends. Get their reaction. I write about them here. I share some on Facebook. Twitter. I’m vocal about my opinions.
Why are we afraid of expressing these opinions?
Some people very close to me, family and co-workers included, love Twilight. And yet I write these articles and say what I say knowing they will hear or read it. Why?
This is My Gun
It needs to be said. I’m not going to censor an opinion because someone disagrees with it. Of course someone disagrees with it! It’s why it’s called an opinion. If someone showed me proof Beck is right on every count, okay. If someone shows me how Edward and Bella aren’t a one-sided control-a-thon, fine. If someone can explain why people are obsessed with Paris Hilton, I’ll shut up.
Show me the smoking gun that proves I’m wrong on these counts. Anything!
I do what I do because I feel it has to be done. It’s not enough to say Beck is crazy. Anyone can say Twilight sucks because vampires don’t sparkle.
But these things just touch on the surface of the problem.
Some people and stories cause harm. And I’ll keep pointing them out and analyzing them as long as I have the energy to keep doing this.
So what do YOU have a strong opinion about?
I have no idea what this means by ~tearusapart on deviantART
- Good news! A friend and coworker, Jesus Molina, is working in a local news affiliate! Not-so-good news? It’s a Fox affiliate… I kid! I kid! Congrats, man.
- New research may prove what we’ve known all along. Apparently, early classes don’t do anything but make us cranky and force us to try and learn at an ungodly hour.
- America’s fascination with vampires and zombies isn’t new. Check out the insightful article, and thanks for reader Elise DeCamp for showing it to me.
- “I Write Like” is a program that analyzes your writing to see what famous author you resemble in style. I input “She Wept Flowers” and I apparently write like J. D. Salinger. Who do YOU write like?
- Tremble in fear against the littlest Chun-Li!
- I’m having a REAL hard time seeing how LeBron leaving will make people want to join the Tea Party.
- Someone really needs to give Beck a dictionary. It seems that he doesn’t understand the term “grassroots.” No, Beck. Your 8/28 Rally isn’t grassroots. YOU planned it. YOU advertised it. It’s YOUR idea.
- And while we’re on the subject, no, progressives aren’t deleting the internet or destroying video. You just have a grasp on reality on par with movie popcorn butterfingers.
- Bender is not the only Hispanic robot in popular culture. Behold! Optimus Mariachi!
- And finally, how do you beat riot police? Lap dances!