June 1, 2012
Well… It was bound to happen. As Buzzfeed reported via Will Wheaton, the zombie apocalypse has begun in Florida. That state’s already the epicenter of every other weird thing that happens, so why not the living dead? Of course, we also have the guy who ate someone’s heart and brain in Baltimore and the guy in New York who threw his own intestines at police. I’m willing to chalk it all up to some seriously bad trips. Maybe.
But now I’m scared. The funny thing is that geeks the world over have been planning for this day for years. We know what’s up. We know a shotgun is worse than a long-range rifle in these cases. Of course, that assumes we’re dealing with slow zombies and now quick runners. We’re not the only ones planning, though.
We’ve got zombie-proof housing, for example. Kansas also sold out all its missile-silo homes. Barring a foot of concrete and steel between you and the undead, though, maybe a bladed weapon deigned to break through bone and muscle? I’m not joking. There’s a company that makes melee weapons specifically to dismember zombies. Hornady even sells bullets specifically designed to take out these undead menace. They claim they work since we haven’t seen any zombies lately. I’m going to bet they need to change their slogan now. Me? I’d love to have a few blessed bullets from “Elves With Shotguns.”
I don’t know if it’s viral or if hell is now full. Maybe there’s some Big Dumb Object putting out plot rays and turning people into barely-restrained cannibals.
I just know that when things get real, the geeks shall inherit the Earth. We’ve been planning for years. We have our plans. When the blood-soaked fog clears, it will be a world of nerds and survivalists. This new era of humanity will mean many less people, sure, but traffic will be much lighter. Plans, of course, never survive first contact with the enemy, so I’m not entirely sure if zombie survival plans will really work out now. Maybe the zombies will retain enough critical thinking to be much more dangerous enemies who just happen to be bullet-proof except for the classic head-shot.
Or maybe these are just a series of unrelated stories that we’ve pieced together into a humorous narrative of flesh-eating undead.
In that spirit, let’s enjoy the great-grand-pappy of zombie fiction: Night of the Living Dead. See you on Monday, and don’t forget to pick up your copy of “Elves With Shotguns” at RPGNow!