June 13, 2012
Caiden Cowger explained his views on homosexuality, why he thinks it’s immoral, and the injustice of not being able to preach to homosexuals. He capped it off this week by explaining why he believes homosexuals are evil and yet he himself does not hate them, just the sin.
He sounds like a bigot three times his age. Let’s break this down.
July 5th 2011
As we all know, yesterday was the day we celebrate the Founding Fathers abolishing slavery, standing up to evolution, and ending communism. Or something like that. I don’t know. I’ve been looking over Bachmann and Palin quotes.
Anyway, let’s go over a few things hot on the internet and news cycles and see if we can find a few items of interest.
Bring on the gouda films!
June 28, 2010
I didn’t really have time to put together a comprehensive article filled with trademarked sarcasm and wit. It’s one of those weeks where everything that could go wrong seems to go wrong, so between hospital visits and trips to the mechanic and a dozen other things, I’ve been a bit busy. Still, I’d like to share a few thoughts.
Next week, I plan to actually sit down and watch the first two Twilight movies. Why? They keep coming up in student papers and it would help to know what the hell these students are talking about in more detail than looking up the synopsis online.
It won’t be fun, though. Oh no. I won’t be able to riff these movies like I usually riff a bad movie since I’ll have to pay attention, and that brings me to something I’ve always wondered.
What distinguishes a “fun” bad movie from a movie you want to avoid and shoot with napalm?
Let’s look at a few examples.
Soul Survivors (2001)
I watched this almost nine years ago, and I still wish I could name one movie that’s been worse. All I can tell you about the plot is that there’s a car crash, hallucinations, and Eliza Dushku makes out with a girl. And no, even that won’t save the movie.
What made the movie so bad? There is nothing to latch on to. No awesome special effects. No good actors. No witty one-liners. No cool story. In fact, most of the time, when my friends and I were trying to riff it, we kept stopping to ask ourselves what was going on. This thing’s got plot holes the size of a Buick. An OLD Buick. The ones that were a full acre of car.
Soul Survivors is a great example of a movie that is bad to the point it’s just plain awful. Sorry, Eliza. At least you made up for it with Dollhouse.
Eliza Dushku by ~onabedoflies on deviantART
The Crow: City of Angels (1996)
I love James O’Barr’s work. If you’ve never read the original graphic novel of The Crow, find a copy and read it. It’s beautiful. That being said, the movie adaptation with Brandon Lee was pretty good too. However, the sequel, The Crow: City of Angels, is pretty much a remake of the original with a different set of characters.
It’s still a decent movie on its own, though.
If you could ignore everything that came before, it’s a decent horror action movie. To this day, I still think the production design and cinematography are some of the most dramatic and emotive I’ve seen. It’s gritty, dirty, and very cinematic. There’s only one problem…
You really can’t ignore what came before it, and I’ve tried. It’s a sequel and continues the story of the first with the character of Sarah. That being the case, it’s a weaker version of the original, but like I said, if you just watch it and take it on its own, it’s not a bad way to spend 90 minutes.
Of course, for fans of the franchise, the worst part of this movie is that there is an alternate cut with vastly different ending, character development, and sequences that would have made this film a much better sequel. Miramax cut it to its current state because the original version was way too dark. Some lucky fans have VHS copies from the Pay-Per-View version that aired without the cuts. These are the luckiest fans of all.
Moving on…
The Tremors film series (1990-present)
Good horror has to scare you. It has to keep you on the edge of your set. At the same time, it has to be entertaining. You could tie someone to a chair and threaten to cut off body parts, but that’s no fun. We, the audience, need to love the characters.
And that’s what we get in the Tremors films… at least the first three.
The first movie stars Kevin Bacon and Fred Ward, both in great acting shape as they banter throughout the film. While only Michael Gross returned for every other installment, there are enough one-liners and likable characters that, once the monsters start eating people, you really wish the humans would pull through. Best of all, the characters do things that fans of horror and science fiction would probably try, too, when faced with insatiable killing machines.
Yeah, the plans fall apart, but at the time, even the audience is thinking, “Hey… that actually sounds pretty good,” until Murphy shows up.
They’re not great films (no Oscars, I’m afraid) but they’re damned fun, especially any scene with Michael Gross as survivalist and gun enthusiast Burt Gummer.
And to any fans of the series that are wondering why the date on the subtitle says “present,” it’s rumored there will be a fifth movie staring Ward and Bacon again… please let it be so…
“Bad” movies and bad movies are really only different in the way they approach the story. If they look good, they can fall flat on their face. The Crow: City of Angels is a perfect example of this. However, Tremors is a low-budget horror film. It doesn’t have a fancy soundtrack or special effects, but the characters are engaging. Soul Survivors and, I’m guessing Twilight too, are filled with dull people in an uninteresting situations.
When I do watch this series, I’m going to hate myself, aren’t I? Someone please tell me I at least get to keep my soul.
Next week, I'll pull a rabbit out.
April 9, 2010
Welcome to Randomology, where tact and class will go the way of Michael Jackson if I need to make a point. There are three things you’re not supposed to talk about if you want people to keep civil. Avoid topics involving sex, religion, and politics.
Fortunately, I’ve never been one to avoid controversy or bluntness if it makes a point. In sports, if you score three times in a single game, it’s called a hat trick. Let’s see if I can pull this off.
Speed painting: Naval Battle by ~Mikajima on deviantART
Load the cannons. Fire 1!
In recent months, the Tea Party has turned from bad to worse. What may have been touted as a grassroots movement to give America its voice back has become something short of a mob. I mean torches and pitchforks. I mean the kinds of folk who wouldn’t mind a good ol’ lynchin’ like grandpapi used to have.
Tea Baggers (yes, I will continue to call them that since they started it) spit on Congressman John Lewis. He was one of the leaders of the Civil Rights movement. Despite what Texas school books will tell you, it was he and others on the front lines of this culture conflict that helped give millions of Americans their rights. He is a living witness to one of the most tumultuous times in American history, but a time that has made racism and ideas of segregation deplorable to any sane American.
Apparently, the man’s work is now to represent a Nazi socialist in the White House. And protestors spit on him. When the media broke this story and others showing that many of the most outspoken Tea Baggers were racist and intolerant, many others came to their defense.
How dare the news call these people racist? They’re average Americans and, according to O’Reilly, not all of them are Republican. A small minority is Democrat and a large section is Independent. Well shoot. I guess they’re not racist then.
Uhm, no. No. A thousand times no.
No one said they were Republicans. They said “racist.” They are not synonymous, but I find it very interesting that Billy here went straight for that as a defense, almost like “Republican” meant “not racist.” It doesn’t.
What the Tea Baggers did has been reported on various newspapers and was witnessed by several people. Tea Baggers been holding up signs like this for months and now, but when we call them racist WE’RE the bad guys? If I see a guy on the street cooking heroin and shooting up, I can call him junkie. It’s not an insult. It’s a fact. If someone tries to argue that Jews are a lesser race and he sports a swastika armband and Hitler poster, I am well within my rights to call him a Nazi and Godwin’s Law remains secure.
This is part of a bigger trend, so let’s continue.
see more Political Pictures
Damn the torpedoes! Fire 2!
The Vatican is in the news again because new evidence has shown that, before ascending to the much coveted position of God’s Go-To Man, Pope Benedict XVI failed to report the actions of a priest, Lawrence C. Murphy, who molested more than two hundred deaf students over a twenty-four year period. Most people would cry out in shock at such a thing. After all, it’s one thing to go hunting for victims. It’s something else entirely when your victims are given to you by parents and caretakers with the understanding that you will care for these youngsters.
In this case, with all seriousness, they SHOULD have thought of the children instead of working to cover up the abuse.
And how dare the media point this out?
Bunch of heathen chicken-sacrificing pagans is what they are! Do they have to keep talking about it?
Yes. Yes they do. A lot of Catholics won’t like it, but the Pope messed up. He’s God’s emissary on Earth, but he has his faults and he is still human. The day he walks on water and makes a tree, I will hold back and maybe assume he knows something I don’t. Until that day, he is still a human being and he made a mistake.
see more Political Pictures
Target of opportunity off the starboard bow! Fire 3!
The Republican National Convention is in the news again because its Grand Poobah, Michael Steele, apparently signed off on almost $2,000 for a bondage-themed club where the topless dancers engaged in faux-lesbian sex. This is on top of the thousands also spent on luxury hotels, private jets, and limos.
And who, you may ask, was in this lesbian-themed bondage club?
The RNC isn’t saying as of this writing. However, Steele already has good news. He saved a bunch of money on his car insurance by switching to Geiko.
Oh, and not a lot of people, at least Republicans, have heard about it.
If that’s the best you can come up with, if that’s the silver lining on the story, you’re in trouble. If I was stuck in the middle of the desert and six hours from dehydration, I wouldn’t be happy that I was dying with a nice haircut. Basically, it’s not that this money was wasted on extravagant services that served no purpose to campaign, but that the people didn’t know the RNC went Mister Blonde on the group’s bank account.
Also, I would like to thank the RNC for now allowing me to tag a post with the words “lesbian,” “bondage,” and “sex.” I’m sure it’ll do wonders for the page hit counter.
The Man of Steele by ~joshthecartoonguy on deviantART
Let’s be honest. We all know that power corrupts. There is now a study that shows why. Basically, once you’re in a legitimate position of authority, you are much more critical of the ways others behave. However, your own obedience to the standards you enforce drops. I encourage you to read the report in the last hyperlink.
What do these three stories show us? Power corrupts. It’s cliché, I know, but it goes to show that if we don’t call people out on stuff like this, if people in positions of authority are not held to the same if not higher standard as the rest of us, they will abuse said power.
One of my favorite Jefferson quotes (although it’s disuputed if he actually said it) is “The Price of freedom is eternal vigilance.”
A lot of people think that it means governments and people in power must watch their subjects like Machiavellian hawks. A popular uprising does terrible things to a throne. I think, though, that it means that the people at the bottom, the ones who gave the power in the first place, must watch the people at the top and make sure they remain true to the things they’re supposed to enforce and hold true. The worst part of all three cases is that I don’t think there will be any consequences for those involved.
It isn’t insurrection and it’s not an insult to point out a flaw, a mistake, especially if said mistake is a crime or at the very least insulting. If your biggest complaint is that you got caught and that it’s bad because people know about, I’ve got a cat in a box I’d like you to save.
And that, ladies and gentlemen and freaks of the internet, is a hat trick. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to pass out for the next two days from exhaustion.
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