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Questions for Homophobes

May 172012
 
 May 17, 2012  Posted by at 12:31 pm May, Politics, Truth Tagged with: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,  No Responses »

The public and legal vows for eternal love are only for straight people who have a 50% chance of getting divorced anyway.

May 17, 2012

Maybe it’s me. Maybe I don’t get the big deal about wanting to ban gay marriage. If a gay couple wishes to get married and live together, how does that undermine my own coming marriage or the marriages of everyone else? I’ve bene doing some thinking and I have a few questions to everyone who opposes gay marriage or is otherwise against LGBT individuals having rights or being able to express themselves in the public forum. If you can answer these questions, you win. It’s that simple. And they’re not trick questions.

If you believe the Bible dictates we must shun homosexuality because it is a sin, should we also shun divorcees, people who eat shellfish, and people who do not worship in a Judeo-Christian way?

Much of the core argument against gay rights in any way, shape, or form, comes from Judeo-Christian readings of the Bible. It clearly states in Leviticus 20:13 that man lying with man is an abomination.

Of course, as I pointed out last year, there are other things in the Bible we seem to not pay attention to even though they are clearly commandments: paying taxes, not tattooing, wearing gold, etc. The problem with this justification is that it doesn’t hold up to scrutiny. It’d be like police arresting everyone who jaywalked but ignoring murders and rapists and focusing on only a single law.

Either enforce ALL the laws in the Bible or admit you’re cherry-picking.

If pro-LGBT groups wanting marriage for these individuals have declared “war” on traditional marriage, does that mean that North Carolina redefining marriage rights for a very narrow segment of the population is a war on heterosexual couples as well?

Buzzfeed put together a great list of all the consequences of passing Amendment 1. It’s not just that it takes rights from gay couples. It also takes rights away from ANY couple that is not married. Medical and financial decisions, for example, may now only be made by married individuals for another person. Likewise, domestic abuse laws no longer apply unless the couple is married. Oh, and domestic partner insurance benefits? Those are gone, too.

This is like when Texas was in such a haste to ban gay marriage that it banned marriage IN GENERAL. That’s right. North Carolina has taken rights away from straight couples, too, kind of like a doctor trying to remove a tumor with a shotgun. Straight couples will suffer and be discriminated against because of Amendment 1.

Why isn’t THAT being called a war, either?


Marriage in the Bible UPDT v.2 by ~Eshto on deviantART

If the whole point of Amendment 1 in North Carolina was to protect traditional marriage but you can still marry your first cousin, does that mean we now consider marrying your first cousin is “traditional” and morally right?

There’s a Deliverance joke in there. Nothing more to say. Moving on…

If people who are pro-gay rights are “demonizing” so-called traditional marriage by disagreeing with it, does this mean that Christians are “demonizing” Jews by claiming the Messiah has already come?

This one is part of the conservative attack plan on gay rights. If someone wants gay marriage, then that person must therefore think people who believe in “traditional” marriage are monsters.

Well, yes and no.

Playing the victim is not an argument. Being upset or shocked that someone has the gall to disagree with you and acting all butt-hurt because you’ve been called out for bigoted views is not evidence that you are correct. For example…

Mother: “Steve, eat your vegetables while Mommy drinks her special water.”

Steve: “But Mom, isn’t that your third glass of vodka… this hour?”

Mother: “How dare you!? Are you saying I’m a drunkard? Just because you’re twelve and don’t rink you think I’m wrong?”

See the similarity. Being hurt someone disagrees with you is not an argument. End of story.


Gay Marriage Rally 4 by =methylated-spirit on deviantART

If Bristol Palin truly believes traditional marriage is the only way to raise children, why did she engage in behavior that led her to her teen pregnancy and why didn’t she stay with her baby’s father?

Bristol Palin was quite vocal in her disbelief that the President of the United States would endorse gay marriage. She endorses the view that only a mother-father family is good for raising kids.

I’m sorry, but isn’t she the most famous case of out-of-wedlock teenage motherhood in the last… however long we’ve been caring about this? Bristol Palin could not believe President Obama saw the need to speak to his children about gay marriage and would endorse it in order to expand their world view.

Maybe it’s me, but her saying traditional marriage is the only way to raise a kid stinks of hypocrisy. After all, if she truly believes that, she would have married her kid’s dad at the first opportunity.

If you are against gay marriage because you believe it will force citizens to be gay or invalidate straight marriage, do you actually understand the law?

Pat Buchanan is the perfect example of how the Right sees gay marriage. In their minds, making gay marriage legal will invalidate straight marriage because gay marriage will now be the norm? He also does a nice job of showing the fake outrage at being called out for being bigoted I mentioned earlier. You really have to see this to admire how Buchannan manages to stuff nearly everything I’ve talked about until this point

You got all that? He can’t believe someone would say we’ve been wrong up until this point. He can’t believe someone is challenging marriage. The only rational way gay marriage will invalidate straight marriage is if it supersedes it. Which is NOT the plan.

It’s like being afraid your favorite band is going to play a large venue or reach out to new fans. It’s like geeks being scared because more people are liking their hobbies.

Buchannan is a marriage hipster. There. I said it.

If you believe only gays support gay marriage, do you then believe half the country is gay or bisexual?

The statistics for gay marriage approval are hovering around the 50% mark, give or take 10% and depending on which poll you use, but it’s still pretty high. However, according to the Paul Cameron, head of the Family Research Institute, Obama has sided with gay marriage because he himself may be gay.

Following that logic, does that mean almost half of America is gay?

You don’t have to be part of a group to advocate for that group, but the Right can’t seem to grasp this. Obama reaches out to Europe? He must be a socialist. He wants good relations with Muslim countries? He must be a Muslim! He supports gay marriage? He must be gay!

That’s weird. I support feminism but am not a woman. I support gay rights but am straight. I support welfare and social safety nets for the less fortunate yet haven’t been in those situations myself. Am I a gay unwed mother?

No, I am a Hispanic straight male. And one that has empathy, something the Right seems to forget exists.

There you have it. If homophobes and everyone against LGBT rights can answer these questions in satisfying manner, if they can justify the cognitive dissonance inherent in making these arguments, then they win.

They can have all the straight marriage they want. And… go!

And now, let’s enjoy some levity by listening to Ahnold’s greatest hits. Remixed!

Starbucks Beer

Jan 272012
 
 January 27, 2012  Posted by at 12:01 am January, Truth Tagged with: , , , , , , , , , , ,  No Responses »

Douche alert! Douche alert!

January 27, 2011

It looks like Starbucks is going to start serving alcohol. This isn’t new news. It was hyped last year, I believe. The company is just really putting feelers out there, as any good company should do when introducing a new product.

This, however, is a horrible idea.

Don’t get me wrong. I love me liquor. I love beer. A good wine is a thing of beauty. I love a good bar where the tables have just enough wear and tear to give them personality. I love bartenders that chat and joke around. I love classic rock or rock in general playing over the speakers or a live band doing a decent cover. That’s what a bar is all about.

Starbucks, I will not drink at your places of business.

Other places serve alcohol, and that’s fine. I expect restaurants, whose primary service is food, to remain clean and relatively quiet. A bar is a bar, though. Starbucks is no bar. I will not be able to enjoy a drink there. I’m sorry, but the general clientele at Starbucks scares me. A lot of them go because it’s trendy. I don’t go to a bar because its trendy. I go for the atmosphere and the affordable happy hour special.


Beer by ~Kingxlol on deviantART

Besides, I already know what’s going to happen if Starbucks goes into the beer, wine, and liquor business.

Prices will be criminal. Expect to pay $8-12 for a glass of wine or a bottle of beer. The cheap stuff, too. They’ll tell you it’s imported from some East German country you’ve never heard off and made with exotic hops or something like that, too.

Despite my coworkers being able to bring in a giant tank of coffee in the mornings, I don’t expect I’ll be able to get a Starbucks keg for lunch to share with everyone. That’s just unfair.

It’s corporate, so expect the same atmosphere in one Starbucks bar to be the same as the next: cold and calculated. Forget about the personal touches. One of my favorite bars, Average Joes, is about as down to Earth as you can get. While they polished themselves a bit, all the pictures are of local shows and the waiters and waitresses at least make an effort to be friendly. It’s dark, not gloomy, and they are successful because they actually introduce new features and shows based on audience feedback. Plus, they make a mean pizza.

Being Starbucks, the company will try to sell their beers and spirits as exotic, rare, and hand-made. It will develop a culture of douchebags who insist on only drinking the highest quality beer, much like pretentious bastards who will only drink their rare Jamaican blend harvested by left-handed pygmies and imported on the full moon. I love high-quality beer, but I’m not above drinking a Bud if someone offers it to me.

And finally, they’ll probably have some ridiculous naming structure for glasses of beer: shot, wide, slammer, and crudo.

And if you don’t know Mexican slang, look up the last one.

Okay, maybe this is paranoia, but I really can’t stand Starbucks. If you have to put THAT much stuff into coffee to drink it, you don’t like coffee. You like the toppings. It’s like people who say they like to drink but can’t stand anything stronger than a hard lemonade.

People who can’t drink anything harder than lemonade piss me off.

See you Monday, and keep sharing links! In the meantime, enjoy a bay deer squeaking.

Glad Paula Dean Has Diabetes? GOOD!

Jan 202012
 
 January 20, 2012  Posted by at 12:01 am January, Truth Tagged with: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,  No Responses »

That glow? It's pure evil. And diabetes. Mostly evil, though. Diabetes doesn't glow like that. You need a black light to see diabetes.

January 20, 2012

You know what? I’m going to say it.

I’m glad Paula Dean has diabetes.

I don’t mean that in the personal sense. Diabetes isn’t something fun to have. It affects your life and your choices and makes you plan activities based on sugar. It can be managed and you can lead a fairly normal life, but it’s always there.

I mean this in the professional sense. I’m glad she has diabetes because she hid it for years, makes her money off of showing people how to make ridiculously unhealthy food, she will make money from having this disease, and she takes pride in the last two.

That butter-chugging money whore…


Paula Deen by ~urielstempest on deviantART

And no, I’m not being too mean. I’m being nice. This is being nice. Being mean would involve Photoshopped images of Dean bathing in a tub of melted butter while she eats salt logs covered in bacon. This? This is justice. She willingly made and ate food that would give most of us a heart attack after the first helping. She indulged in trying to convince others to have her intestinal abominations. There really is such a thing as too much bacon and butter. When you have to measure the ingredients by the pound, you’ve crossed a line. You’ve gone to a dark, dark palce, my friend.

She did all of this in a time where obesity is a national epidemic. She made her fame and fortune from encouraging people to hurt themselves and, when she finally suffered the inevitable consequences of her actions, she hid the fact until she made a deal to make MORE money.

The kicker? She’s not going to stop cooking and eating the way she’s been doing it for years.

This is like a pro-skater breaking every bone in his body after an attempted stunt in a career where he urged his fans to never use safety gear. Said skater then keeps acting stupid.

This is like a porn star encouraging people to not use condoms even after getting 47 types of VD and getting pregnant.


Paula Dean by ~imthinkinarby on deviantART

Make no mistake, though. I love food. I love a good steak, a great pasta dish, and have been known, from time to time, to indulge in fine spirits and ales. And bacon? Get out of my way. I will cut you. I will show you’re your still-beating heart and make you regret the microsecond it took you to get between me and pork heaven.

But to everything… moderation.

Dean is not the only cooking star to show how to make dishes to clog your arteries with butter and salt, but she turned up to eleven. She has butter-flavored lip balm with her name on it. No, it’s not a joke. And now she’s selling diabetes medication? This is like Newt Gingrich becoming the spokesman for marriage. Or Rick Santorum shilling for GLAAD. Or me endorsing Twilight.

It’s not the best it.

To Paula Dean, the person, I’m sorry you have diabetes and will have it for the rest of your life. To Paula Dean, the cook and businesswoman, I hope this teaches you a lesson, you hypocritical bacon-munching sack of carbs.

And now, let’s wash bad thoughts away by embracing the awesomeness of the COOLEST 8 year old EVER. No joke. Check it out, and I’ll see you on Monday.

Warm Bodies and Cold Plot Points

Jan 172012
 
 January 17, 2012  Posted by at 2:47 pm January, Movies, Writing Tagged with: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,  No Responses »

Yes, this is real. Yes, I threw up a little.

January 17, 2012

Hollywood, come here. We need to talk.

You need to cut the crap. Right now. You’re going to make a film version of the novel Warm Bodies, a romance wherein a zombie finds love with a human girl in a post-apocalyptic world. I’ll give the book some credit. I read the first few pages, and while it acknowledges some of the squickier aspects of zombie lore with the literary equivalent of a gore discretion shot, it does a decent job of showing that life as an undead is not pleasant or even clean. The writing is fairly clean and tight and I wouldn’t mind reading the whole thing out of morbid curiosity, but we have a problem.

Hollywood, you will NOT turn zombies into teen heartthrobs.

Okay, Hollywood, go away. I need to talk to my readers.


pride and predudice and zombies painted by `Bakanekonei on deviantART

Readers, hi. Welcome back. Did you see what Hollywood is going to do?

Just from reading the first few pages of the book in question, it sounds like it would work well as literature. Maybe not. I’m willing to at least read it to find out. Here’s the first problem, though. In the book, our main character is clearly identified as having a suit and being a 20-something. In the stills from the upcoming movie, the main character, R, looks like a teen. I already know where this is headed.

It’s Twilight with zombies.

It’s even the same studio.

They’re going to do it. Don’t think they won’t. I’ve been waiting for this. The trend was strong with vampires. The entire teen literature section, currently the teen vampire romance section, is filled to the brim with this crap, and now zombies are in the mix. Zombie romance stories are not new. Aaah! Zombies and Boy Eats Girl both did it in film years ago, but those stories were told for laughs. Night of the Living Dead 3 played it as a horror film since the protagonist was a woman slowly turning undead as her boyfriend was forced to watch. After all, how could love exist between a mortal woman trying to survive the zombie apocalypse and an undead, barely sentient creature with a hunger for human flesh and tasty, tasty brain meats?

It can’t. Willing suspension of disbelief will take you so far. Like I said, though, I haven’t read the whole novel, and from R’s narration, at least author Isaac Marion has played with the concept to the “mindless zombie” and made his undead closer to apathetic amnesia victims. They eat because they’re hungry. They lack complex motor functions to do things like talk or quickly move.


when zombies attack by ~teamlattie on deviantART

I am, however, having trouble accepting that this prose is being uttered by a creature with no memory of his past life. The writing’s not bad, like I said, but it takes skill to speak, let alone write like this. It’s the problem of Twilight supposedly being narrated by a world-weary 16-year-old who was well-read and yet could not grasp basic emotionally mature concepts such as empathy.

There’s also the fact that zombie fiction tends to be… squishier than vampire fiction. Vampires can get away with not actually showing too much blood since they only need to make two neat little holes and suck the blood away. Zombies actually need to dismember a living person and eat the brains. This involves the kind of graphic scenes best left to R-rated movies.

Then again, I’ve been wrong before. Best prediction? The movie will suck as it’s softened to appeal to the teen girl market and give them a new Edward. We’ll have a deluge of zombie romance (what is it with undead boyfriends?) and the genre will have to wait at least five years before being taken seriously again.

Fear Hollywood.

And now, let us bask in the glory of a real zombie movie. Warning! Gore aplenty ahead.

When Dan Brown Will Rewrite the Bible

Jan 062012
 
 January 6, 2012  Posted by at 12:01 am Art, January, Movies, Writing Tagged with: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,  3 Responses »

On second thought, let me bring the shotgun.

January 6, 2012

This isn’t about the string of remakes that have come out in the last several years. Those are merely the symptom of a sick culture. And we are a sick culture. We may not know it, but we have a disease that’s festered and finally made manifest in the need to make everything in high definition and CG. We need fresh faces. We’re tired of Sissy Spacek as Carrie. Let’s remake it. Maybe we’ll cast Selena Gomez as the telekinetic powerhouse. Hell, let’s just rewrite the setting and get a Kardashian.

Why not? We’re already remaking damn near everything. It was bad enough when he just cribbed horror movies from Asia, then sanitized them for Western audiences. If you watch any of the originals (A Tale of Two Sisters, Shutter, Ringu, Ju-On) you’ll notice something. These films actually try and create suspense. They don’t use jump scares as much. It’s about atmosphere and feeling.

To top it off, it seems American Psycho is also going to get remade.  And they’re updating it to the 2010’s instead of the awesome 80’s.

Let me school the younger readings on why this is bad. Why all of this is bad.

This disease stems from wanting something shiny and new. We want the latest and the best. We want it factory-wrapped and still smelling like the inside of an Apple store. I’ve got news for you. Old things are awesome. Old things lasted and fought a war against the boy bands and crap books of their time. Jimi Hendrix wasn’t anywhere near the sales powerhouse of Justin Beiber, but we still remember and listen to Hendrix. No one will listen to Beiber in ten years, much like no one listens to N*Sync or the Backstreet Boys. Oh, they have their fans, but the bands flared up and died. They had no real staying power. It’s always been a race for pop to keep catching up. Something real, though, doesn’t need to do anything but just exist.


Blitzkrieg Rock and Roll by ~phoenix138 on deviantART

Now we have the disease of the remake. We’re updating and repackaging. If it’s not new, it’s not good. The urge to verbally and physically assault the students who have blatantly told me this point of view went away after I reminded myself that they would lead empty lives looking for the next new thing instead of appreciating the good things, the good art. I’m not saying we don’t have good books or new movies, and every generation has its crap music, but it feels like there’s less of an incentive to actually do a good job.

In a world where Twilight can bring the masses to the bookstore and the Kardashains rake in millions just getting recorded at every hour of the day, why make something new? Why make something great? We’re going to remake everything anyway. Just be rich and famous then get more rich and famous when you get followed around. Don’t bother making anything. The studios will research the market and tell you what to write. The studios will ask for the scripts.

Hey, we don’t even need to bother with special effects. The Expendables showed you don’t even need to bu8y blood anymore. Apparently, all you need is a cartoonist with red paint.

The sad thing is that the effects in a modern war movie look WORSE than a fantasy movie that’s ten years old.

Enough with the remakes. If you want to see a ghostly girl on a tape, watch the original with subtitles. If you want to see Norman Bateman slice up hookers, see the Christian Bale version. We haven’t moved on to adapting and remaking books yet. Stephanie Meyers’ American Gods? Dan Brown’s “The Heart of Darkness?” Danielle Steele’s The Bible?

It will happen. Mark my words. One day, Shakespeare will be too old for students and the masses and we’ll get someone to rewrite it and update it.

No amount of bladed implements will suffice when that happens and I feel the urge to get stabby with a market researcher.


a writer … by ~OrazioFlacco on deviantART

Divine by Zero: Neil Gaiman in Springfield and Spike the Bloody Wear Christmas Colors

Nov 082011
 
 November 8, 2011  Posted by at 12:01 am Divine by Zero Tagged with: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,  No Responses »

November 8, 2011

Guess who has to drop several pounds gained over the last year? Yeah, it’s going to be a fun month cutting back on caffeine, sugar, pounds, AND getting ready for the holiday season. Woohoo?

With that in mind, let’s get some links out of the way.

  • Assassin’s Creed may be making its way tot he movies, but some insiders are shocked, SHOCKED I say, that Ubisoft has virtually total control over story, casting, everything. What does a video game company know about making movies, they ask? I’d ask instead what the hell Hollywood knows about adapting video games to movies. Bloodrayne, anyone? Prince of Persia? Doom? I could go on…
  • Speaking of which, the president of Universal admits his company makes “shitty” movies. His words, not mine.
  • If you find yourself complaining about the MTV Generation… you may be TOO old. Older than you think.
  • I love sleeping with some nice, semi-fluffy pillows and a warm comforter, but this is probably the best place to sleep EVAH!
  • Adam Savage had a small role in a zombie flick. Short and sweet. Check it out.
  • There can be an argument that some people have TOO much money. They buy things that no one needs. Things like, well, anything in the Skymall catalogue. Or they go and do crap like THIS.
  • And finally, here’s the trailer to Denzel Washington’s new movie, Safe House. Enjoy, and I’ll see you tomorrow.

They Foxed Up

Jul 202011
 
 July 20, 2011  Posted by at 12:01 am July, Uncategorized Tagged with: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,  No Responses »

He sees you when you're sleeping...

July 20, 2011

Journalism is hard.

Think about it. Have you ever had to tell a story to someone while remaining as objective as possible? Try telling ANY story without having your own bias influence it and you’ll see the challenge of trying to be a journalist.

That being said, it’s one of the reasons Fox News needs to drop “news” from its name.

As many of you have heard, Fox’s parent company, Newscorp, has a bit of a problem. They’ve been caught in various hacking scandals, everything from hacking a missing (later confirmed dead) girl’s phone to listen in to messages left behind by grieving relatives and friends, to hacking 9/11 families, celebrities, and everyone else under the sun. These hacks have become a federal case both here and in the UK. Needless to say, Rupert Murdoch’s days are numbered…

Except he still controls Fox News, and Fox is, by their own admission, fair and balanced, so they must be telling the truth, right?

The scandal has received little mention on the Little Network that Could, but one story in particular showed just how far the so-called “journalists” at Fox are willing to go to protect their parent company at the cost of journalism ethics. Check out the following clip and see if you can tell where they dropped the ball.

Give up?

They make a big point of the fact that there are other hacking cases out there, but we’re all focusing on Newscorp. The Pentago got hit too, they cry out! Why don’t we focus on THEM!? Why are we all gawking at poor Newscorp?!

Because, despite what the clip tried to insinuate, Newscorp is the one that did the hacking, not the one that got hacked. We’re watching the company because they are the accused party, not the victim. It’s like Herman Cain playing the victim because people call him out for his hatred of Islam. It’s like Bachmann supporters acting all butt-hurt because Michelle “Queen of Loony Land” keeps getting corrected for all her gaffes.

To Fox and everyone who supports them, you’re not the victims. You’re the ones who are accused. You’re like a robber than complains he had to get tackled by police after fleeing the scene of a crime. You’re like the high school hero who says he can’t be allowed to fail a class or he won’t be able to play on the team. You’re like the politician who pulls strings to hide an affair because he has too much power and too much to lose.


Rupert Murdoch says ‘sorry’ by *ssoosay on deviantART

A few have suggested, however, that it’s hypocritical to go after Newscorp like this. They cry out that the Left cheered Wikileaks when they hacked the government and obtained thousands of files with sensitive information.

Okay, but there’s one HUGE difference between the Wikileaks incident and what News of the World did.

The paper was fishing. They were blackmailing. They did not use the hacking to uncover information about crimes. This information was used for sensationalism and self-service. Wikileaks, whatever the legality of their actions, exposed crimes.

Where is the need to hack a dead girl’s phone to listen to the anguished cries of her parents, friends, and family? What does the paper gain from violating the privacy of 9/11 families? Hacking celebrities?

What Newscorp did was illegal and morallity reprehensable. If Fox was a real news organization, if it had any integrity, it would report on the scandal instead of trying to cover for the boss.

But then again, Fox ISN’T a news organization, is it?

And now, to wash away images of bad, bad Murdoch, here is a tutorial on how to speak good like Kristen Stewart.

Learning How to Spell 8: Neil Gaiman Saved My Life

Jun 012011
 
 June 1, 2011  Posted by at 12:01 am June Tagged with: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,  1 Response »

SWOON

June 1, 2011

First off, let me apologize for the weird temporary home page. I’m trying to figure out why everyone’s only seeing a blank screen there, and as soon as that changes, I’ll let you know.

Now, on to business.

Some months ago, while I was working for… a businessman of questionable ethics… I had a dream. Let me set up the weeks prior to this.

I was hired as a screenwriter and told I would be writing scripts for documentaries and short films. It was an exciting opportunity and I would get to work with a man I quickly confirmed had the cred, the fan base, and the resources to make this come true. I would be making much better money, getting more exposure, and reaching out to other areas I’d ever researched before. It was an unexpected and seemingly miraculous turn of events.

Well, you know what they say about Greeks bearing gifts, right?

Yeah, I was technically the guy’s screenwriter, but over the next few months, we wrote ONE film together and my days (and I mean 24-hours a day) were spent doing errands for this guy, picking up his lunch, driving at odd hours to hand-deliver packages, and essentially being his transcriber. All I had to do after he told me what he wanted written was to clean up the grammar and make it sound good.

Well, that and the fact that I was the one who did research, edited pictures, made phone calls, and would eventually write the book that he and his buddies were going to use to make mad moneys… four ways. There were four of them. My cut?

That’s what I thought.


In case of Stress by ~aRTHOUSeNoiR on deviantART

This was the world I’d put myself into, and I really have myself to blame for jumping into this. At the time, however, I kept thinking that if I just stuck with it a little longer, if I found some way of actually sneaking my writing into a letter, or suggested something to do with the videos he edited, maybe I would get him to give me more leeway. Maybe I could show him. All I had to do was bring my writing down to a high school level for a bit longer…

Then Neil Gaiman intruded on the whole thing.

I had a dream that I was in some gothic looking cabin by a beach. Multiple rooms with desks, small libraries, and writers everywhere made for an even stranger scene since this dilapidated cabin was bright and cheerful on the inside.

It seemed like every room was taken by someone, and other writers sat in the halls, in the living room, anywhere they could find and plugged their laptops in or just went at it with pen and paper. And me? I couldn’t think of a thing to write. I just watched these men and women, some old, some young, and wondered what they had that I didn’t have.

Where did this creativity come from? I knew I hadn’t written much for Charcoal Streets in a while. I knew my writing wasn’t as sharp as I wanted it to be. I knew I was writing much more than I ever had at any point in my life, but the output didn’t match an equal jump in quality.


Writing Lines by *MikeRaats on deviantART

I wandered that house and, much like the TARDIS, it was quite larger on the inside than the outside. I went from room to room. The sun kept shining in and eventually I came across a room filled with writers at desks, on the floor, and on windowsills.

I turned around and saw a man walking down the sunlit hall. If it’d been in slow motion, it wouldn’t have been any more epic. It was Neil Gaiman. THE Neil Gaiman. Neil I-Got-More-Talent-In-My-Left-Earlobe-Than-You’ve-Got-In-Your-Whole-Brain Gaiman. He had that leather jacket he always seems to be wearing and could have easily been a rock star.

I started to say something. All I remember was “What?”

Not a question of what he was doing… It was more like I was asking “What do I do?”

“What can I do?”

“What am I doing?”

“What is this?”

He smiled and said, “If you keep this up, you’re going to hate writing forever.”


Neil Gaiman by ~Mizzy-chan on deviantART

That’s when I woke up. I looked around. My fiancée was fast asleep next to me. It was a few hours before I had to be up to teach the morning class I’d taken on because my boss wasn’t paying me what he promised. It wasn’t THE moment I decided to quit, but it helped.

And I’ve been wondering about that statement: “If you keep this up, you’re going to hate writing forever.”

This will be the second job where I’ve been hired for my writing, then promptly told to “dumb it down” or otherwise hold back. In Congress, I learned how to say absolutely nothing with a full page of text. Here, I learned how to say just a little more, but make it sound really deep.

That dream has haunted me for a while. I think I was trying to tell myself that if I sacrificed my art for the sake of money, if I demeaned myself enough, I could get that shot. All I had to do was write about hunters, put down the words with Tea Partiers, and work with men more interested in mafia-like business than actual quality.

Neil was right. I would have hated writing, and myself, for it.

Frankly, it wasn’t worth it. I learned a few things, so it wasn’t a total loss, but I figured I could do this myself. I have the talent (I hope) and the dedication. Ask anyone who’s seen me work. When I set my mind to something, I get it done.

Charcoal Streets and Randomology are my babies. I’m going to make them household names one day.


Stress fracture by *lauren-rabbit on deviantART

Hey, look at that! Links!

  • One of my followers on Twitter posted this link to the world’s fanciest, most advanced toilet. I don’t know about you, but this thing’s just for taking a dump in… how fancy should it really be?
  • This article claims that the ease with which we can change writing has killed the traditional screenwriter. Screenwriting, for those out there who have never done it, involves meticulous margins and indentations that are a real pain to do, even on a computer. However, I’m willing to say I call “CRAP” on this entire article. I think this makes it easy to change a bad idea into a good one, and computers let writers go through multiple drafts, which often leads to better writing.
  • And finally, I don’t know if this video is real or not. Probably not. I don’t know if these guys hacked the Fox ticker, but if they did, it was awesome! See you on Friday!

Snooki vs Actual Comedy

May 022011
 
 May 2, 2011  Posted by at 12:01 am May Tagged with: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,  No Responses »

It's like poetry... that makes you want to kill yourself.

May 2, 2011

Okay, I didn’t think the last article would make me think so hard about something that I had never intended to pursue further. No, I’m not talking about Ayn Rand and the idea of Objectivism as a path to a real Utopia.

Are the cast members of Jersey Shore comedic geniuses?

I posted a link to several videos where some cast members of The Importance of Being Ernest read lines from the show in-character. They often delivered said lines with a straight face, often with a bit of irony, but otherwise it was like watching Sir Ian McKellen do lines from Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.

Anyway, take a look at the first of five videos below.

Okay, a few things. The lines as delivered are hilarious. Why? I’ve heard these same lines from clips of Jersey Shore and I have no desire to watch the show. However, I would love to watch these two do more lines like this. Why? What’s the difference? Why is one funny and the other infuriatingly bad?

I once took a class on comedy. While it killed my ability to really find anything funny for six months since I kept asking myself, “Why is this funny?” it did help me analyze literature, film, and television in a way I hadn’t considered. Also, everything is somehow a phallus or about sex.

Mel Brooks once said that tragedy is when he cuts his finger because it matters to him. Comedy is if you fall into an open manhole and die. What does he care? Comedy, then, would seem to be a matter of empathy. If we don’t care about the jerk and something bad happens to him, we laugh. If we care about the jerk, then the comedy is gone. Think of a bad horror movie where you don’t like the white college students who go investigating every noise. When they get hacked into cat food, you actually laugh.

Well, I do anyway.


Jersey Shore by ~XhereXforXtomorrowX on deviantART

I looked up a few more quotes from the show and tried to imagine them being said by these two gentlemen. Needless to say, I think they highlight why empathy is lost on these tanned wastes of genetic material. Observe the wisdom of Jersey Shore.

Mike “The Situation”: You can hate on me all you want to, but what can you possibly say to somebody that looks like Rambo, pretty much, with his shirt off.

What can I say? Let’s see. “You’re a conceited prick who is hinging other people liking him based on his abs.” Oh, and Rambo was a Special Forces badass who was wronged by the government and went on to kill entire armies with a knife. How badass does drinking vodka make you, MIKE?

Angelina: I feel like this job is beneath me. I’m a bartender. I do, like, great things.

While bartenders do great things in the sense that they get me my drink at the bar, I wouldn’t say they do “great” things. Necessary, sure, but they’re not heroes. And I have full contempt of anyone who still says “like” in casual conservation. Yes, I’m a linguistic snob. Sue me.

Snooki: Every time I meet a nice guy, he dies. It’s the same with every pet, friend or relative I’ve ever had. EVERYONE DIES! Next it’s gonna be me. Its all just a big conspiracy!

One of the surest ways to spot a narcissist is to see how he or she reacts to events. When the deaths of others and their misfortunes are seemingly your fault no matter how removed you might have been from the event, that is narcissism. The only way she could be responsible for their deaths is if some being with the power over life and death were targeting her.

Mike “The Situation”: To call me fake, it’s just blasphemy to talk against the leader like that, in other countries you get hung for that type of shit.

I would never call The Situation fake. Shallow as a puddle of dog piss, yes, but not fake.

Snooki: I don’t go tanning anymore because Obama put a 10% tax on tanning. I feel like he did that intentionally for us, like McCain would never put a 10% tax on tanning… because he is pale and he would probably wanna be tanned.

Please see my previous note on narcissism.

Said in the right tone, these lines might work for comedy, but here’s the thing.

The cast members on Jersey Shore are stuck up jerks who respond to the most basic principles and seem, at least from what I’ve seen, to actively avoid complex thinking. These are the guys and girls who would join a frat in college just because they want to be close to the party. They think the worst possible things about women, relationships, and people in general.


Jersey Shore Quotes Poster by ~wiigamer024 on deviantART

They’re about as shallow as I’ve ever seen, and I cannot fathom actually watching any of them for more than five minutes, let alone an hour. I remember that television was once about drama, about wit, and comedy made of carefully timed situations. I remember that WRITERS were involved once.

When did we accept that just following people was interesting? Sure, some shows like Dirty Jobs, Pawn Stars, and others are actually interesting because the people we follow are, well, interesting. The parodies are funny because they point out how silly the cast members on Jersey Shore can be. Beck was funny until we realized he was being dead serious. A murder is no laughing manner, unless it’s a movie murder delivered in a highly ironic way to a character I feel nothing for. Real idiots are not funny. Fake idiots pointing out the comedy in someone actually thinking this is acceptable, though, are hilarious.

It just goes to show two things I’ve said for a long, long time. Real life is often the source of the greatest material for stories.

Also, we pay way too much attention to the idiots in society. Stop feeding them and they’ll go away or die.


Oscar wilde. Artist by ~Hallaserke on deviantART

Enough of that. Let’s get some links up in this!

  • Cracked has a scale on the good and bad side of song covers. I think the same could apply for literature. Want to make a fairy tale into a gritty cyberpunk tale? It could work. Want to take that beloved science fiction story in your head and turn it around into a steampunk noir adventure story? Have at it!
  • And finally, we have the new trailer for the last Transformers movie destroyed by Michael Bay. Just based on this promo, I can at least see some of the action instead of trying to make out colored blurs, but I’m not sold yet. I’m going to wait for it to come out, then see the response. Thoughts?

Tea Party: The Movie

Apr 292011
 
 April 29, 2011  Posted by at 12:01 am April Tagged with: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,  1 Response »

It's Conservarific!

April 29, 2011

I haven’t seen the film version of Atlas Shrugged. I’ve read about the book in journal articles, heard people explain Objectivism, and generally learned of it through other people’s analysis. The film, though, is being pushed in Tea Party circles as the answer to liberal Hollywood. It’s supposed to show the rest of the country just what the Tea Party hopes to build.

Since the entire book makes Lord of the Rings look like a church pamphlet, let me explain the movie in less than 800,000 words.

A few years from now, the government is going to devolve into a group of petty politicians who only pass laws in order to serve their own self-interests. A cast of successful businessmen and women are trying to save their companies amidst this environment of repression even as the country’s most creative people are vanishing. To put it mildly, it’s like the Spill crew said. Just pretend Forbes Magazine made a movie.

I’m not going to review a movie I haven’t seen, but I am going to tell you why this movie is getting hyped so much by the Tea Party and Libertarians and why it’s bombing like Germany on Poland.

Oh, too soon?


Atlas by ~ZetaxCeti on deviantART

If you’ve never read Ayn Rand or otherwise read about her philosophies, you’re in luck! It’s dumb. Well, it sounds good on the surface, which is why so many impressionable college students and dedicated men and women seem attracted to it.

And if there are any Randians out there who will instantly label me a close-minded zombie of the system who believes government is the key to all our problems… have you READ my site?

Here is the core of Objectivism, which is at the heart of Rand’s work: the pursuit of your own happiness is the most moral and only good thing in the world. It’s a little more complicated than that, but Rand believed that altruism and sacrifice for others are evil because they rob men and women of the ability to be happy for themselves. The most moral type of economics turns out to be a complete Laissez-faire capitalism in a society where the government’s only job is to protect the people from others robbing them of their happiness. Businesses should operate with zero oversight from the government. In the book, this gets to the point where characters talk about their workers and the conditions they are in (deplorable) as a GOOD SIGN that business is free.

Do you want to know who really likes Objectivism and Libertarianism? People who already have power and want to keep it. People like the Koch Brothers, the two paranoid wackos who helped fund the Tea Party. Yes, the Tea Party was started by billionaire industrialists as a front for their own political and social views. The Tea Party is not a grassroots movement. It’s a way for the uber-rich to get their message out through the people.

Yeah, it really is the Bond-like villain behind all this.

As for the core of Atlas Shrugged, Objectivism, let me say this…

Ayn Rand had no heart.


Free Market Meme by ~Party9999999 on deviantART

Think about it. Sacrifice for others, charity in all its forms, is evil. If someone is on the street, hungry after losing his or her job due to circumstances beyond anyone’s control, it is evil to offer that person money for food or outline directions to the nearest homeless shelter to fend off the cold.

You also have no reason to love your family just because they are your family. If your boss screws you over for perfectly petty reasons, you have no say in the matter.

After all, YOUR happiness is all that matters.

It’s basically Satanism taken to its business extreme, but don’t misunderstand me. I actually agree with some (huge emphasis on “some”) of Rand’s ideas. I think government needs to stay out of our lives, but I also know that lack of regulation in a capitalist society breeds trouble. We’re in this financial mess because no one was making sure the bankers didn’t screw all of us over.

I agree that creativity and the pursuit of happiness are important for the development of a healthy society that accepts criticism and multiple points of view, but I don’t think that happiness needs to come at the expense of others’ happiness. This one is actually one that a lot of Randians have missed when they explain it, and from what I’ve read, Rand herself thought that sacrificing the happiness of others for your own benefit was evil. In that respect, it’s similar to the Wiccan Reede. The problem, though, is that the philosophy has a built-in barrier against helping others unless it somehow affects you.Which brings us to…

Captialism as a free-for-all is the worst idea in the world. It sounds good on paper, though. Let businesses do what they must in order to succeed and create jobs, innovate, and make sure that the world keeps on truckin’. On the other hand, capitalism has no internal monitoring system to make sure that basic human rights are not violated.


SELF by *serah53000 on deviantART

Does your boss need you to work for twelve hours a day for three dollars an hour? Hey, it’s a job, right? Need to work in unsafe conditions? Tough cookies. Were you discriminated against because of race, gender, or religious beliefs? Hey, it’s your fault for not believing in Sky God.

The entire idea behind the movie is that selfishness is good and the government can’t do anything but get in the way. Okay, I’ll grant that government is run by a bunch of children who think they have a really cool job because they get to tell other people what to do (I used to work for one of them), but government can be a place where we all come together and use our collective resources to actually do something productive. Until the time when we can all afford to take care of all of our own problems and needs, a central government is the best option we have.

Imagine one week without police, firefighters, Medicare, homeless shelters, student loans, or NASA.

This movie is tanking because people who actually known what Rand preached know better than to walk into a theater that serves as a ninety-seven minute infomercial.

The least they could have done was add some sex, explosions, and Michael Bay-like action. It’s really the only thing that can balance the bitterness and utter propaganda of Rand’s work. We actually need Michael Bay for this one. I feel sick.

Links! Quick! Before I puke!

  • Do you want to type like a hacker in a mid-90′s thriller? Just go here, set your parameters, go to full screen, and amaze your friends with your 1337 skillz.
  • If you need further proof that Twilight is not only God-awful in its story but also a crime against the English language, look no further.
  • And finally, because I have to get dinner ready for my hunny bunny, let me leave you with some transcripts of The Jersey Shore as read by cast members of The Importance of Being Ernest. The full set of videos can be found here, but here’s the first one just to wet your appetite. Enjoy!

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