You Don’t Tell Superman to Shut Up

Damned liberal illegal alien! Taking jobs away from real working American superheroes!

September 14, 2011

DC Comics (and yes, I know the name is redundant) has a long history of “revamping” and updating its comic universe. Ever since Crisis on Infinite Earths back in the 80s, and now with the new launch of virtually every major title, the DC superheroes are starting fresh. For those not familiar with rebooting, DC has essentially started over, updated the setting and time, and is telling new versions of their old heroes.

While this may sound like just recycling old storylines, it can work very well for the franchise. Star Trek had a reboot with the 2009 movie and it made Trek cool again. Likewise, the Battlestar Galactica series was a reboot, a retelling of the basic premise in the original 1970’s show. It also worked.

Bat Family Reboot by ~qBATMANp on deviantART

Now, DC is getting another one. Superman no longer wears his undies on the outside and Barbara Gordon can walk again. Overall, I’m curious as to how this will pan out and if comics can survive.

However, one comic shop owner has already deemed the reboot far too offensive to have on his shelves. It’s not the supervillains, the death, or the overall violence.

Apparently, Superman, in the new issue showing his new continuity, cursed. And he didn’t just curse. He said “god damn.”

Well, he didn’t really say it. Here. Take a look.

I find it amazing that this lone wolf of the comic book sales profession would suddenly be disgusted with Superman taking the Lord’s name in vain. It’s a slap in the face to Christians everywhere, he said. Superman is intended to be pure, the paragon of human achievement and morality. He is supposed to be the perfect Superhero.

Apparently, he forgot that Superman is an alien. He’s not a human. He may look human, but he’s one hundred percent alien. In fact, his origin story, the fleeing of a doomed homeland for a better future, is reminiscent of the stories of early 20th century immigrants, specifically Jewish immigrants. And has anyone stopped to ask if he’s a legal immigrant? He couldn’t be! His civilian identity is fake.

On top of that, during The Dark Knight Returns, Superman became a political pawn and was used to wage war on the Soviet Union. He was even called in to battle Batman and take him in (Bruce kicked his ass), and if you want any more proof of Superman acting like a jerk, just look here.

Batman vs Superman by ~mentat0209 on deviantART

Of course, our comic salesman is aghast that someone would place so blatantly a non-Christian element into writing. Taking the Lord’s name in vain? That has to be the worst thing you can do as a Christian, right?

How about rape? Sue Dibny, the wife of the Elongated Man, was not only raped, but later murdered by another superhero’s wife. The rapist? Well, he wasn’t put in jail, or tried. The Justice League wiped his memory of the event.

What about mass murder? In Kingdom Come, Captain Atom goes nuclear and wipes out Kansas. Hell, the entire comic is an exercise in brutality.

And the Joker? Oh geez. He killed Jason Todd (Robin), paralyzed Barbara Gordon (Batgirl) before stripping her naked and torturing Gordon with pictures of his daughter in agony, killed Gordon’s second wife, he nearly undoes reality itself after torturing Batman to death and bringing him back to life over and over again, and, well… you know what? It’s the Joker. If I have to spell out why he’s the guy that other supervillains use to scare each other, you should really just leave the site.

Why Aren’t You Laughing? by *dagger3000 on deviantART

Our comic store owner is fine with the rape, murder, and severe psychological trauma, but a younger Superman is apparently shot by a tank and he curses and it’s too much?

Comic books can be whimsical and funny or dark and brooding. And frankly, if you’re reading a comic book wherein the hero’s entire civilization was wiped out for the sake of getting him to Earth and the most dangerous man on Earth runs around dressed in a Kevlar-lined bat-shaped suit, you better be ready for some weird stuff.

And Superman can curse all he wants. In fact, he can do ANYTHING he wants.


Winners: Lost dog, blindness, End of Time

Toby wandered through the kitchen one more time. He’d looked through the pantry and cupboards twice, but he had to hope he might have missed something. He tried reaching the higher cabinets, but he could barely get his legs to stretch far enough or find anything to climb. The lizard he found and ate in the morning would have to do.

No one played with him and no one called his name. He still remembered his name, alien as it was. Toby tried chasing birds, but they flew too high. A few of his friends were trapped in their homes. He saw them die days ago when the food was gone. Toby had made it by catching the odd animal and going in and out of the house through a broken window.

But he could feel himself weakening. There was some water in the pond outside, but there was almost nothing to eat. On the tenth day, he saw a new master.


Wallace kept his hands on a long staff made from a fallen branch. His tattered clothes still smelled like sot after more than a week, and the few protein bars he found on the dead traveler some days ago wouldn’t feed him for too much longer.

In the distance, he heard a dog cry. It was a pathetic, weak cry. Tiny claws clicked on broken concrete. Wallace took his revolver and aimed in the general direction of the dog. He could barely see, and the dog wouldn’t know what a gun was, he thought, but it was the only defense he had. When the dog finally stopped, it was close enough for Wallace to make out.

It was a pathetic little thing, no more than fifteen pounds tops, and it whimpered when it was close enough.


Toby smelled the new master. It was thin and moved like it was hurt. It spoke, but Toby only understood a few sounds.


“Hello there,” Wallace said. “You’re a cute little guy, aren’t you? Looks like it’s me and you, buddy. What’s your name?”

The dog barked.

“I see. I’ll figure out what to call you. Where’s home, buddy?”

The dog barked once and started to run in one direction, then stopped to make sure the Wallace was following. Wallace kept his revolver close. He hadn’t seen anyone else in days, but he wasn’t about to trust a dog. That would be crazy.

“So,” he said, “looks like we’re the only ones left. Not a bad situation, you and me. You get us some food, I’ll cook it. Hell, I’ll play with you and take care of you if you take care of me, buddy. That sounds good. Buddy. I think I’ll call you ‘Buddy.’”


Toby hadn’t wagged his tail like that in days. The new master kept talking and saying things, but Toby didn’t understand most of the words. He understood things like ‘play’ and ‘good.’ After so many days, it would be fun to play with someone. The new master smelled good.

He smelled like treats.


“Yup. I was in the city when the first ones dropped. I don’t think I’ve talked to anyone since then. I think we’ll be fine. After all, not that you understand me, but if we don’t find food soon, you’re going to be supper.”


Toby couldn’t wait. The new master smelled really good. He couldn’t wait to play, then lick him. New Master really did smell like treats. Toby was hungry.

Apocalypse Meh

Party's over, folks. We really do have to work today.

May 23, 2011

So… We’re all still here.

Big surprise, but the impending apocalypse didn’t actually happen. The predictions of a lunatic were taken seriously by thousands and didn’t amount to much more than a few earthquakes and several wackos all over the world thinking that this was their last week on Earth. One woman tried to kill herself and her children because she didn’t want them to suffer through the Rapture. A few guys made thousands of dollars by promising religious folks to give them money to care for their pets when said owners disappeared. Those who followed this prediction now look like fools.

And what have we learned, children?

People is dumb.

Oh yeah, we are. No doomsday prediction has ever come true. Ever. However, when some people believed the end of the world was coming, we had a mix of reactions, and this really lets you know what our priorities are in this day and age.

RaPturE.. by ~azriel911 on deviantART

Hush, Little Baby

Take, for example, the mother who attempted to kill her children and herself with a box cutter. What mother would willingly kill their child? If you’re a proponent of assisted suicide and of ending a loved one’s pain when all other options are gone, then you might understand where this woman was coming from. However, there’s a very big difference between a doctor, someone with an advanced degree, telling you the scientific reasons why your mother, wife, child, or someone else has no hope for recovery and a lunatic who’s been wrong before saying that God’s coming to town.

What was the evidence? What was the overwhelming piece of information that convinced this mother that death was the most merciful thing she could do? And I use “merciful” in the most hesitant way since death by box cutter seems pretty gruesome.

Why did she do it? Someone said God said so. Faith is blind.

puppy by ~flison on deviantART

I Loves My Dog

Then take the guys who made thousands of dollars by telling people they would take care of the taken’s pets when the Rapture took the faithful away. People were actually worried about their pets. Not only that, but they were so secure in the knowledge that they were sinless enough to be taken into Heaven on Saturday that they made preparations.

They didn’t pray and ask for forgiveness. They didn’t try to make amends. They were already convinced of their inherent moral superiority to the sinners and heathens of the world. There was zero doubt.

Of course, it could also be that they wanted to be sure… just in case. It still shows a surprising amount of confidence on their part seeing as how the payment was non-refundable, which is how our two entrepreneurs managed to keep the cash.

After the Apocalypse by ~VampireDarlla on deviantART

What Now?

One of the big questions is what will happen to the cult members since the world is still here. Do they understand that their leader is full of it and go on with their lives? Do they see the error in believing someone apparently has divine knowledge of a very specific event?


If past incidents are any indication, they will believe even harder. You could, of course, play Apocalypse bingo with the list of excuses that will get paraded around. Everything from Beck’s followers to Y2K survivalists, to the believers in this latest faux-catastrophe will continue to cling on to their beliefs because, in their minds, they were not proven wrong. Something changed. God blinked.


When you believe something on faith alone, just because you felt it, nothing will change your mind. Ever. You’d need a fundamental change in your being to alter your thought. Frankly, this sort of thinking and the sheer number of people who believed in it or felt scared enough to pull crap like this should give us pause. It’s the same mentality every conspiracy theorist holds on to. Evidence to the contrary isn’t proof of an error. It’s proof of a deeper conspiracy.

Me? I was drinking with a fedora on while the world was supposed to end.

Beer by ~PuzzledBean on deviantART

Now let’s see how awesome this world is and what we could have lost if it all had ended on Saturday.

  • You want to see what sheer nuclear death looks like? Check THIS out.
  • Have you ever wondered what a singularity of pure manliness looks like? Wonder no more!
  • And finally, if you want a battle to level buildings and shatter civilization, here’s Beiber versus Beethoven in the rap duel we all knew was coming. Personally, Ludwig won. See you later, Randomologists!

Gay Bomb OR Why Republicans Love Genocide

Just keep believing the narrative... just keep believing the narrative... just keep believing the narrative...

January 5, 2011

Are you gay? Bisexual? Thinking of changing teams after a drunken New Year’s night? Guess what? Republicans think you’re a bigger threat to this country than nuclear weapons in the hands of terrorists.

And no, that’s not hyperbole.

And if you don’t know what hyperbole means, here’s the link.

Last month, our government had to work to pass the START Treaty, a nice little piece of legislation from the Reagan era. You know President Reagan, right? He’s the patron saint of the GOP. They invoke him like a level one wizard uses magic missile. The treaty states that both Russia and America will lower their nuclear stockpiles and we will get to go to Russia and make sure their nuclear programs are working properly. This way, Jihad Bob doesn’t get his hands on a nuke and before we know it, Baltimore’s a dust cloud.

Physics Remain by *mrgraphicsguy on deviantART

And guess what? Republicans would rather have a major American city turned into a sea of glow-in-the-dark glass than have dudes who want to marry dudes serve our country.

They held up ratification of the START Treaty, a treaty that would prevent nuclear war, because they didn’t want to pass the repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. That’s right. They held one branch of government hostage and held a nuclear gun to the world’s head because the thought of gays in the military repulsed them.

Oh, they paraded out the usual excuses. John “War Hero” McCain went off on people who claimed that discrimination hurt the military. Over at Fox, they’ve done a real bang-up job of likening the repeal of DADT to some sort of Apocalyptic herald. And yes, I capitalized “Apocalyptic” because I think they really think this means we’re going to have oceans of blood soon.

Don’t believe me?

So there you go. I already hold nothing but contempt for the Republican Party. They are a bunch of knuckle-dragging backbirths. No sympathy from me. They were willing to put the nuclear safety of this country, perhaps the world, on the line just so gays could not openly serve in the military. They also did this to try and keep the Democrats from scoring political points like this was some giant game of Battleship.

I have no love for the Dems, but I have utter hate for Republicans.

They put out a ton of heavily questionable reasons to ban gays from the military, but since they’ve all been exposed to be phony posturing, we’re left with one conclusion.

At the End of All Things by ~L-nay on deviantART

Republicans hate gays more than death itself. They would rather we get a few kilotons shoved up our butt than have gays serve our country and risk their lives. They would rather risk decades of deformity and nuclear fallout than risk openly gay men and women bolster our flagging recruitment numbers. They would rather that the population and infrastructure of an American city be destroyed in a ball of plutonium-fueled fire than have gays defend the Constitution Republicans themselves hold so dear.

The GOP has done some atrocious things in the past for the sake of political points, all hoping to just not let the Democrats do anything. This though, and the obligatory backlash to repeal the repeal, show the true face of the Grand Old Party.

Homophobes and bigots. If you’re a Republican, you have no business talking about compassion, common sense, and inclusion. And if you’re gay, bisexual, or transgendered, remember this. The Republicans believe you are more dangerous than nuclear weapons.

Nothing but unhinged contempt is required here.

No Homophobia by ~Lexee90 on deviantART

And now, to clean the taste of Republican exposure out of your brain, here are the links!

  • Would you like your next sexual innuendo to be REALLY cool? Here’s a chart! Likewise, if you want to last longer with your significant other and you have a penchant for the scientific and philosophical, here’s a guide.
  • It looks like the cartels in Mexico are calling a month-long truce. I’m pretty sure this is a trap of some sort, but let’s see how it plays out.
  • Look, I’ve made no secret of my hatred for bad writing that gets put up like it’s some new standard to achieve… and I’ve worked hard at what I do… which makes it that much more infuriating when Snooki of all people gets a book deal just because she was on a show where she and a bunch of other D-bags made a whole state look bad. And it looks like she’s giving the great American writers a run for their money. And it saddens me that the sarcasm in the last sentence doesn’t translate well through text.
  • And speaking of the genetic landfill that is Jersey Shore, the Situation also has a book out. This has to be the greatest review ever.
  • And finally, here’s a video that made even ME smile. The happiest penguin ever. Take care, don’t forget to share the link, and I’ll see you Friday.

Divine by Zero: Starbuck vs. Werewolves and the Drummer from Hell

June 3, 2010

Welcome, Randomologists. I’d like to also extend a warm welcome to the many new readers that have joined in the last three days. Folks, welcome to the madness. You’re now in a pit of semi-controlled chaos held together by delusion and paranoia.

Tell your friends!

Links off the starboard bow!

  • Katee Sackhoff showed that a woman doesn’t have to look like a stick to be sexy, and in Battlestar Galactica, she showed she could also act. Now, she’s going to star in a horror movie called Growl. I kid you not, it’s about an underground fight club that runs into werewolves. Kiefer Sutherland is also in talks to participate. It sounds so ridiculous, it’s GOT to be awesome.
  • Anyone else watch Thundercats as a kid? Well, the studio that did Batman: Gotham Knights and The Animatrix is giving Lion-O and the rest an anime make-over next year. Check out the teaser poster. Personally, I’m teetering between fear that this will be another 80’s love of mine ripped to shreds ala Transformers or the hope that this may be epic.
  • Have you or a loved one been abducted by aliens? No need to fear! This handy-dandy website offers instructions on how to build a telepathy-proof cap. It also has tips on how to kill implanted alien embryos and fight a telepathic war. I only wish it was a parody and not dead serious…
  • Remember Star Wars Kid? Yeah, oh how we laughed… Well, he’s lost the weight, is working on his law degree, and runs a cultural conservation society in his hometown of Trois-Rivières. So, no, he didn’t kill himself. In fact, other than jokes from his old high school mates, he’s doing pretty good for himself. Looks like being in court over the lawsuits against the kids who uploaded the video drove him to pursue law. Not a bad update on something so many of us laughed at… Now I feel kind of bad.
  • How can Patrick Stewart be ANY cooler? Well, how about achieving knighthood? That’s right. He is now Sir Patrick Stewart. He’s the captain of the Enterprise and closer to a Jedi than you or I will ever be. Bow in adoration to your new Man-God!

Patrick Stewart
see more Lol Celebs

  • How’s this for closing the oil gushing into the Gulf of Mexico? Let’s just nuke the frakker.
  • It’s nice to know that, although a vast majority of Americans loathe Sarah Palin, she has the right to kill a reporter. At least, that’s the advice an Alaskan newspaper gave out. See, a writer recently moved next door and Palin’s gone off on how her family is now threatened. A local paper made th veiled threat that Palin has the right to “use of deadly force in protection of life and property.” Oh boy. If Alaska is anything like Texas, any flimsy excuse will do. Here, you pretty much have to step on someone’s grass and look at them in cock-eyed and you can get shot.
  • And finally, check out this drummer past the 1:00 mark. Do you get the feeling he’s in the wrong band?

  • Or for those wanting something more classical… how about some Lady Gaga performed in the classical tradition?

See you all tomorrow. Thanks for reading, and remember to link and share these stories if you like them! For tomorrow, I’m thinking we’ll discuss why it’s okay for your kid to be a loser. Seriously. Let the little brat go home crying.

Okay, maybe nothing that heartless. Still, it should be interesting.

Liar, Liar, Fox Lights a Fire

Only you can prevent OH MY GOD! What the hell, man?! What the HELL?!

April 14, 2010

Misinformation is one of the key causes of conflict in this country. We can disagree all we want. Some can say Texas is better. Other may foam at the mouth as they claim Chicago pizza is better than New York pizza. Argue about who should win American Idol. It doesn’t matter, but as long as we all have the same base, the same understanding of the facts, we should be able to, eventually, have a civil discussion.

However, three things have recently bothered me. Well, they’ve been bothering me for a while, at least one of them has. It seems like Fox News is both duplicitous… and an outright liar. They don’t even try to cover it up any more.

Liar by ~DrinkTheJuice on deviantART

The Tea Party

The Tea Party bills itself as the voice of America. They are a grassroots movement that fights for the little guy and have YOUR best interests at heart because without the individual freedoms we cherish so much, big government and runaway spending, along with higher taxes, will strip of the rights Jesus himself wrote into the Bill of Rights.

Except that the modern-day Tea Party has about as much in common with the American revolutionaries as Snoopy fighting the Red Baron has with World War I veterans.

If you ask any Tea Party member what the original Boston Tea Party was about, he or she will very likely tell you about how it was a protest against taxes. That person would be half right. The original Boston Tea Party was a protest against taxation without representation. The colonies had no say in what taxes got levied and the one that broke the deal for the colonials was a monopoly granted to the East India Trading Company. In essence, the British Parliament gave East India the ability to sell its goods in the colonies at a lower price because Parliament cut the taxes they would have to pay. Local tea growers in the colonies had to pay much higher taxes.

The Boston Tea Party was the most radical protest.

So let’s summarize. More than two hundred years ago, what would become America revolted against a government in which they had zero representation or power because the 18th-century equivalent of an international corporation was given a tax cut. At no point were the colonies themselves taxed.

This is one of the greatest jokes I’ve ever heard. A lot of conservatives, and yes the Tea Party is conservative and was heavily promoted if not started by Fox News, actively fight to get the rich the most tax cuts possible while moving the burden to the middle class. It’s the opposite of what the Boston Tea Party was about.

If the modern-day Tea Party actually did what the original Tea Party did, we’d have marches all over the country begging Congress to keep Bush’s tax cuts off the tax code. The rich and the companies would get taxed more, and there are companies, massive companies, that don’t actually pay taxes, instead getting massive breaks through loop-holes.

Given that the modern Tea Party has almost no ideological link to the original Boston rebellion, why even name it the same thing?

Psychological games.

Would people get so riled out if it was called “Americans Against Taxes for the Rich” or “Fox News Protest?” No. The Boston Tea Party is one of the most famous and iconic symbols of the Revolutionary War, and Americans pride themselves in that war. Frankly, it’s insulting to anyone who studies history that this group contains so many people who are fighting for the rights of the people in power and have perverted the original intent of this historic act in American history.

So, moving on from weapons of mass destruction to weapons of mass destruction.

NO TAXATION by ~kristineslife101 on deviantART

No Nukes

Last week, President Obama signed a treaty with Russia that would lower nuclear stockpiles by a third. Of course, this means that both Russia and the United States still have 1,500 nuclear warheads EACH. The treaty also states that the United States will not use nuclear weapons against a target that is not a part of the Non-Nuclear Proliferation Treaty.

As you can imagine, this will leave America completely defenseless.

Wow. I could fertilize my lawn with that report.

The treaty states, in no uncertain terms, that the United States will go full-blown General Ripper on anyone who uses weapons of mass destruction against us, nuclear or otherwise. If Iran or North Korea used a biological weapon on us and killed millions of people, we reserve to right to essentially turn the country into the world’s largest glass sculpture.

The way it’s been reported, though, Fox has made it look as though Obama has left us without any means to retaliate. But we DO have a means to retaliate! We have a few hundred megatons worth of firepower to use and the planes, personnel, and equipment to get said nukes to any part of the world.

This one isn’t even a half-truth. This one is an outright lie, and a “news” network gets to report it like it was the word of God Himself. In case you think that almost 1500 nuclear warheads aren’t even that much, I’d like to remind you what a measly low kiloton bomb (VERY low on the yield range) did to one city and please remember that most of our current bombs are several orders of magnitude LARGER.

Death Panels Claim Their First Victim

If you keep an eye on Fox News for the inevitable train wreck that will one day be left of Glenn Beck, you may remember a few months ago when Sarah Palin went on the defensive against the health care bill and shouted to the mountains that the government was planning on creating “death panels” to control who got health care and who didn’t. Specifically, they would come after her son with Down Syndrome.

If you didn’t serve a purpose or the government wanted to save some money, well, hey, grandma doesn’t need that oxygen tank, right? Little Timmy here has Republican parents, so he’s got to go. You are a member of the Tea Party? Sorry. No doctor visits for you know. Go set that broken arm somewhere else.

Of course, many in the media already debunked this, firstly by the fact that the phrase “death panel” is nowhere in the bill. Secondly, the idea that someone, somewhere, could deny you coverage ignores the fact that, if you have insurance, AN INSURANCE COMPANY ALREADY DOES THAT.

However, Fox recently ran a headline that asked, didn’t report, if the death panels had claimed their first victim.

I want you to pay very close attention that story. VERY close attention. The original story says nothing of government coming in and denying this woman any care whatsoever. This was a company, a privately-run company. If you want to get a headache, I recommend you read the comments below the Fox story.

Just by asking the question and placing a question mark after it, Fox News essentially claims that death panels do exist. The question is not whether the health care bill will kill you. That’s already been answered. The question is if this is the first victim.

Death Tie by ~Imp0stoR on deviantART

So there you have it. Fox News reporting blatant lies. Stay tuned for the report detailing how Glenn Beck is actually the second coming of Christ and Karl Rove is Athena reincarnated as a man.

Is there anything this news channel can do that will get it shut down for having the audacity to call itself “news” while ignoring reality? This isn’t just misreporting or getting a statistic wrong. This isn’t someone using a bad source. Every news organization does that from time to time. Sometimes they do things like subtly alter the perception of the news, but this goes beyond that.

These lies are having a very real effect on the public debate and discourse. People are going in without all the facts or blatant lies. It’s not a debate. It’s a fist-fight.

I find it appalling that these guys could get fined for saying “fuck” but nothing happens when they pull stuff like this.