The United States of Randomology

There are rocky shores ahead for some very rich libertarians...

August 18, 2011

Ever get the feeling that life is just too stiming with all its rules, regulations, and silly things like social norms and boundaries? Hey, if you’re filthy rich and want to start over, why not pitch in and start your own country out at sea?

That’s just what an intrepid group of libertarians are doing. They’re going to set up artificial islands and start new societies outside of the reach of other nations. Basically, these places will have all but the most basic laws, regulations, and even then, it sounds like they’ll be free to build, do, and conduct themselves however they want.

For my part, I’m going to just wait for the first pig head on a stick to appear.

Lord of the Flies by *skottieyoung on deviantART

It’s not that I don’t think humans can function without rules and regulations. It’s that those rules and regulations are there to keep the people who would abuse the system in check. Minimum wage? That kept me fed for several years. Gun laws? They keep the nut down the street from saving up and buying an M60 to put on his roof. Building and health codes? They make it so that people have to make sure offices and homes won’t catch on fire and our food isn’t filled with yummy lead.

But, I can hear the libertarians say, people are smart enough to not sell products that kill, build buildings that won’t collapse, and buy guns responsibly.

Really? Is that why so many Right-wingers and libertarians want these rules taken away? Because they think they’re redundant? I got news for you. Libertarians want these rules taken away because THEY DON’T WANT TO FOLLOW THEM.

Things like minimum wage and health codes are things that lower the bottom line. Business cares about profit. I wouldn’t be surprised if these islands collapse under the weight of human greed and self-centeredness within six months.

libertarian demotivator by ~Party9999999 on deviantART

The idea, though, did make me ask myself what I would do if I was given a small island to make civilization. I think I’ve narrowed down my list of rules to a few choice rules.

  1. All people are free to worship or not worship as they see fit. They do not, however, have the right to use their religious views as facts and must still base all arguments on things other people can verify.
  2. Any performer that lip-synchs or auto-tunes during a concert will have to refund every ticket. And no, you can’t just put a disclaimer on the ticket.
  3. There will be NO political parties.
  4. Librarians, teachers, and educators will be heavily sought-after and will be compensated accordingly.
  5. School policy will be decided by teachers and educators. Parents and politicians can stay out of the final decision.
  6. Students will be held responsible for their work.
  7. Parents will be held responsible for students once said students leave the school.
  8. Happy Hour will be like Siesta. Everyone gets to go out for a few hours and just relax.
  9. If you own a truck with aftermarket shock-absorbers so that the whole thing is fifteen feet tall, you MUST own a ranch or otherwise justify having your headlights at eye-level with everyone else.
  10. High-speed internet is a right.

And what about you? What rules would you institute in your little island nation? See you tomorrow!

Anarchy by ~wildhearted on deviantART

Racist Boomerang

Do I really have to talk about the mosque story? Really?

Okay, I’m not going to go over the obvious refutations like the fact that it’s not anywhere near Ground Zero or that the imam in charge has actually helped with counter-terrorist efforts. Let’s jump right past the part where people are screaming about the Middle East funding this when Fox is also funded, in a major way, by the same people.

And we’re going to do this mostly because it’s actually spilled out of New York City.

Mosque Rallies 1 by ~jeannewilson on deviantART

All over the country, people are protesting the building of new mosques. The main fear is that these mosques will be used as training grounds for terrorism, because, as we all know, that’s what mosques do. Kind of how Catholic churches train pedophiles. Or how colleges make progressive terrorists.

The point isn’t even about the mosque’s location. It’s about racism. Plain and simple. If you know someone is against this construction, ask them this question.

“Who is responsible for the 9/11 attacks?”

It wasn’t the Muslim community, and yet I had a very long debate with someone who agreed with me and insisted it didn’t make a difference. He said that while it was a small group of radicals, they’d tainted the rest and we needed to act accordingly.

Wow. I’d never heard anyone outline their racism so eloquently.

Racism Can’t be Sugar Coated by ~Dravena on deviantART

That’s what this is all about. People are forgetting that while the hijackers were Muslim, they were not representative of the more than one billion Muslims on the planet. Going back to the Catholic analogy, yes, Catholic priests did molest children, but they were not representative of all Catholicism. Unless, of course, you believe we should ban Catholics from building churches near schools, parks, and residential areas.

The worst part of all this is that it’s part of a pattern. America goes through this every few decades. Lincoln was accused of being Catholic at a time when many in America were Protestant. Franklin D. Roosevelt was accused of being a Jew. Now, Obama is accused of being a Muslim.

Every few decades, we find a new group to blame. And every few decades, we see the error in our ways and that group finds itself fully integrated into American society. Try finding anyone mainstream who makes Jews or Catholics the targets of society’s problems.

That’s not to say Muslims aren’t already integrated into American society. After all, Muslims died on 9/11, too. They hold prayer services at the Pentagon, an ACTUAL site of one of the 9/11 attacks. I understand racism. I understand where it comes from.

Get over it, you self-righteous Neanderthals.

Mosque Rallies 2 by ~jeannewilson on deviantART

If you’re reading this and you don’t think Muslims have the right to build a mosque that close to Ground Zero or anywhere else in this country, I have a few things to ask you.

Should we ban white people from being anywhere segregation was practiced? The harm they did to generations of blacks is monumental. Treating an entire race as second-class citizens, lynching, and otherwise shunning others to the lowest levels of society impacted millions.

Are Japanese or Japanese-descended Americans allowed in Hawaii? You probably don’t want them anywhere near Peal Harbor even though a sizable percentage of the Hawaiian population is Japanese or descended from them. And by the way, there is a Shinto temple not far from Pearl Harbor.

Can blacks vote? Even though the voter intimidation story was blown out of proportion, there really is a New Black Panther party. Seeing as how a few thugs tried to intimidate voters, can blacks still vote?

Given that some of our soldiers in the Middle East engaged in war crimes by killing civilians, should we never again allow military personnel to work with civilians? Maybe we can make large groups of former soldiers and marines to work construction since we can’t trust them with non-combatants.

People screaming that Muslims are showing callousness by building this mosque think they’re being insulted because the protestors believe ALL Muslims are to blame. If I were racist and hated blacks and demanded that blacks move away from my home, would I be well within my rights to say I was the grieved party because they would not bow to my ignorance and racism?

Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Tolerance by ~nightmare-anny on deviantART

Like I said, we’ve gone through this before. Before we get to the links, though, I want to show you something.

Every generation seems to find something to fear. Communists. The Civil Rights Movement. Immigrants. Gays. Whatever. This video is from 1947 and it shows just the kind of fracturing that Fox, Beck, Bachmann, Palin, Limbaugh, and all these other wastes of skin are creating. I’m probably breaking Godwin’s Law, but I’d like to create Martin del Campo’s Law, an updated version.

Once you compare someone to a terrorist, you fail. Terrorists: they’re like Nazis for the 21st century.

Watch for the moment where one man in the crowd is all for “reclaiming America,” one second… only to realize HE’S suddenly become the enemy.

And now time for links! Because we could ALL use a good laugh.

  • One more quick New York City mosque story. Glenn Beck has been one of the more vocal voices demonizing this project, and yet, four years ago, he applauded and endorsed the imam in charge! Need we say more about this money-whore?
  • If this study showing that Darwin was wrong about evolution proves correct, I guarantee that creationists will jump on it and declare evolution dead. However, this new study claims that Darwin was simply wrong about what causes evolution. It claims that the need for more space, not necessarily competition, caused adaptation.
  • Who doesn’t love the gay community? Not me. It’s sad we still need to fight for gay rights and equality, but at least we get to enjoy some VERY funny protest signs.
  • Want to learn how to create a temperature half as hot as the surface of the sun in a soda bottle and learn some science at the same time? Check out Thunderf00t’s new video on YouTube.
  • Remember a few years ago when everyone got real excited about wine being good for you? Guess what? Now rave drugs are also good for you! When the study comes out that proves tequila increases your life span, I’m celebrating until I forget what I was celebrating.
  • And finally, just when you thought you had to work hard to make it in this world… it’s now reported in various outlets that the Situation, one of the d-bags from Jersey Shore, will make $5 million this year. That’s right. Let that sink in, and I’ll see you on Friday.

Divine by Zero: American History Through Boobs and the Dangers of Lesbianity

It’s been a hectic few days, but presentations are done, interviews are concluded, and I dove right back into the the internet…

By the way, nothing stings more than giving a presentation on the importance of writing and having one of the freshmen point out you misspelled something on the PowerPoint. I still ache.

  • Anyone following the World Cup and not paying too much attention might have missed a rather unfortunate abbreviation on the bottom of the screen.
  • NSFW: Playboy published an article where they look at the shape of women’s breasts over the decades and use them as allegories for their respective times. It’s actually kind of interesting. Oh, and there are boobs.
  • Did you know that lesbians walk among us? It’s true! And they seek to corrupt our women. This tongue-in-cheek video in the style of old 1950’s afterschool films shows how you can protect yourself from the perils of lesbianity!

  • I know Teabaggers have a tenuous grasp on logic and reality, but this guy is REALLY stretching to link Obama to BP. To be fair, though, his sign has correct spelling, but he butchered the punctuation.
  • I already mock Robert Patterson for the fact that he will forever be known as a sparkly fairy who thinks he’s a vampire… but this is just sad.
  • Behold! We have discovered perhaps the first recorder instance of “That’s what she said,” and Hitchcock caught it on film. Is there anything he couldn’t do?

  • And finally, I was reminded of why I voted for Obama when I saw this vid. I have a beef with some things he’s done in the last year, but overall, I still like him. And how he’s going to work with Jack Bauer and Batman to kick some ass. Are YOU an expert?

Divine by Zero: Starbuck vs. Werewolves and the Drummer from Hell

June 3, 2010

Welcome, Randomologists. I’d like to also extend a warm welcome to the many new readers that have joined in the last three days. Folks, welcome to the madness. You’re now in a pit of semi-controlled chaos held together by delusion and paranoia.

Tell your friends!

Links off the starboard bow!

  • Katee Sackhoff showed that a woman doesn’t have to look like a stick to be sexy, and in Battlestar Galactica, she showed she could also act. Now, she’s going to star in a horror movie called Growl. I kid you not, it’s about an underground fight club that runs into werewolves. Kiefer Sutherland is also in talks to participate. It sounds so ridiculous, it’s GOT to be awesome.
  • Anyone else watch Thundercats as a kid? Well, the studio that did Batman: Gotham Knights and The Animatrix is giving Lion-O and the rest an anime make-over next year. Check out the teaser poster. Personally, I’m teetering between fear that this will be another 80’s love of mine ripped to shreds ala Transformers or the hope that this may be epic.
  • Have you or a loved one been abducted by aliens? No need to fear! This handy-dandy website offers instructions on how to build a telepathy-proof cap. It also has tips on how to kill implanted alien embryos and fight a telepathic war. I only wish it was a parody and not dead serious…
  • Remember Star Wars Kid? Yeah, oh how we laughed… Well, he’s lost the weight, is working on his law degree, and runs a cultural conservation society in his hometown of Trois-Rivières. So, no, he didn’t kill himself. In fact, other than jokes from his old high school mates, he’s doing pretty good for himself. Looks like being in court over the lawsuits against the kids who uploaded the video drove him to pursue law. Not a bad update on something so many of us laughed at… Now I feel kind of bad.
  • How can Patrick Stewart be ANY cooler? Well, how about achieving knighthood? That’s right. He is now Sir Patrick Stewart. He’s the captain of the Enterprise and closer to a Jedi than you or I will ever be. Bow in adoration to your new Man-God!

Patrick Stewart
see more Lol Celebs

  • How’s this for closing the oil gushing into the Gulf of Mexico? Let’s just nuke the frakker.
  • It’s nice to know that, although a vast majority of Americans loathe Sarah Palin, she has the right to kill a reporter. At least, that’s the advice an Alaskan newspaper gave out. See, a writer recently moved next door and Palin’s gone off on how her family is now threatened. A local paper made th veiled threat that Palin has the right to “use of deadly force in protection of life and property.” Oh boy. If Alaska is anything like Texas, any flimsy excuse will do. Here, you pretty much have to step on someone’s grass and look at them in cock-eyed and you can get shot.
  • And finally, check out this drummer past the 1:00 mark. Do you get the feeling he’s in the wrong band?

  • Or for those wanting something more classical… how about some Lady Gaga performed in the classical tradition?

See you all tomorrow. Thanks for reading, and remember to link and share these stories if you like them! For tomorrow, I’m thinking we’ll discuss why it’s okay for your kid to be a loser. Seriously. Let the little brat go home crying.

Okay, maybe nothing that heartless. Still, it should be interesting.

How to Fight the Lizard People

Get your tin foil cap. This one's going to hurt.

May 17, 2010

I have a love-hate relationship with conspiracy theories.

When I worked as a legislative correspondent in Congress, it seemed like 10% of the mail we received was for legitimate concerns and questions, 30% was rehashed party lines and mass mailings, and the rest were paranoia and craziness from South Texas. You wouldn’t believe some of the theories I read, everything from a secret president ordering mass executions, the end of world brought on by the economic crisis knocking Venus out of orbit, to the Jewish cabals seeking to control us.

And that’s just dumb.

We all know it’s Dick Cheney, in the patented Cheney-Cave, who’s controlling the world.

barack obama and dick cheney
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While theories like this are dangerous because they rely either on illogic or false information, they are also quite fun. What can I say? I get a thrill from watching people jump like Chicken Little at the slightest things.

Lately, though, from Obama’s birth certificate to the allegations that global warming are a scientific hoax, it seems that conspiracy theories are more rampant today than they were even when the X-Files was still airing new episodes. Just for laughs, here are two of the funnier theories I’ve heard.


Oh you know me… I can’t start my day until I listen to good ol’ Rush Limbaugh. Man’s like a shot of caffeine right to the eye, and in the last few days, he’s been accusing Obama of blowing up the oil rig that has now created one of the worst ecological disasters in history.


It’s very simple. See, Obama and his radical left-wing progressive sociocommunazi friends want to force environmental protection regulations that will save us from that fakey global warming hoax. Control carbon emissions today… world government tomorrow! Blowing up the rig, says Limbaugh, gave Obama and the eco-terrorists the ammunition they need to pass bans on off-shore oil drilling.

This disaster serves as an example of just how bad things can get if we don’t act now.

So… environmentalists polluted hundreds of square miles of ocean, killed several workers, killed untold amounts of plant and wildlife, and have created a gaping wound in the ocean floor that still floods the water with toxins… all in an effort to save the environment?

By conservative estimates, the oil spill is worse than the Exxon-Valdez accident. There will be repercussions for decades. Entire ecosystems are destroyed. This is a bit like saying that Saddam Hussein secretly instigated the Gulf Wars in order to boost tourism to Iraq. Also, did you notice how Rush ended his segment? He’s just “asking questions.” Yeah, but you have no answers. Asking the question is not the same as addressing it. Hey Rush, did you take so much OxyContin that your ability to use higher brain functions has been destroyed?

I’m just asking.

Okay, that one was fairly easy and could be attributed to political paranoia, so let’s look at another theory that’s… special.

save the world by ~TenshiMoon on deviantART

Two Suns

Did you know Earth actually has two suns, just like in Star Wars, and NASA is spraying chemicals to hide the fact from us? Oh yes. Our sun actually has a twin star and, if conditions are right, you can see this elusive second star.

Nibiru, which the cameraman mentions, is an object that is supposed to collide with Earth and cause mass devastation.

The theory for this video and others like it is actually very simple. See, the government is trying to hide this from us because… wait, no, it’s the GLOBAL government! It has to be since this has been viewed as far as Russia. Yeah, they’re spraying chemicals in the sky to hide the second sun from us because…


Yeah, this one is stupid to the extreme. While there are videos and photos of these two suns, it’s actually a very simple effect called a sundog. And if you honestly believe that NASA is hiding evidence of a second sun… where was this second sun, oh, say, the last five billion years? Even if there was a star with one percent the output of our parent star, we would see it and FEEL it! For it to be that far in the sky, it would have to be on a large orbit!

Dear gods, people… a second sun and the government is hiding it?!

fail owned pwned pictures
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Why do people buy into this stuff? Part of me wants to just say that people are stupid and will believe anything. I want to blame a lack of education. I want to blame it all on the laziness to investigate, to really use the scientific method as it was intended instead of coming to a conclusion first, then finding evidence to support it. If you follow that route, you can justify almost anything. Combine it with a public that is frighteningly ignorant of basic science, history, and critical thinking and you get little nuggets of laughter like this woman:

It’s fraking refraction and reflection through water, lady! It’s not a government conspiracy to sterilize you, although, seeing this video, I would endorse such a measure for you!

Conspiracy theories do have one thing in common. All of them have some small basis in truth. They also rely on information that is either wildly contested or on the fringe of data sets. For any scientific experiment of report, there will be lots of numbers, and geniuses like Beck and his “research” team and others looking for the “truth,” any slight inconsistency in the data means that it’s not reliable in the least.

Let me put it this way. Say you want to measure the height of a building and you have a ruler, a yardstick, and a tape measurer. You use all three and come up with 350 inches, 310 inches, and 333 inches. Most people would see these numbers and simply assume, rightly, that there are imperfections in the method used to gather information, but all methods point to a rough height between 310 and 350 inches or about 30 ft.

It takes a special kind of nut to say that the building must be 500 inches high because someone told you that was the height of the building and no one can prove you wrong, so you must be right.

Personally, I love deflating these little conspiracy bubbles. There are few things I hate more than misinformation or the bastardization of science for these kinds of things. I’m all for keeping an open mind about the world, but people, please, learn to think critically. I know the best conspiracy theories have the big bad villain(s) lying to you, forcing you into blind obedience, and making you the victim… but come on!

Next thing you’ll be telling me is that Kennedy and Michael Jackson are hiding in Puerto Rico with Tupac.

If you have any conspiracy theories you’re fond of, share them in the comments below. I’m always on the lookout for more crazies.