So Hurricane Irene was not the apocalyptic disaster the press made it out to be. The earthquake a few weeks ago did damage, but it wasn’t anywhere close to Japan’s damage. Still, both disasters caused damage and lives were lost. As a nation, we should look to these affected areas and at the very least hope the people there get the help and resources they need.
And wouldn’t you know it? Conservatives don’t like that sort of thing.
What? The American Right Wing is actually mad that tax dollars are being spent helping people who just suffered through a natural disaster? Surely, I speak lies!
None other than Glenn Beck himself is outraged that the government is providing aid. No, seriously. See, in his mind, to accept help is to be weak and subservient. If the people in Vermont, for example, didn’t plan on what to do when horrendous flooding and winds destroyed their infrastructure, then they have no business asking their government to help. I wish I could make this up, but it’s true.
To top it off, Fox is having a field day asking if we even need The National Weather Service. That thing that lets us know when bad weather is coming? Since it doesn’t make money, it must not be doing its job. I guess since police departments and firefighters don’t bring in the big bucks for the government, either, we can get rid of them, too. At least we have Bill Nye defending it.
Maybe it’s just me, but out of ALL the problems in the world and the nearly 6.7 billion people on the planet, could the hurricane and earthquake be for something else? Maybe it’s God telling New Jersey to do something about The Situation. Maybe sharks swimming through streets in Puerto Rico is a sign telling them there are enemies in their midst. Maybe having millions of people without power is a sign that we need to go back to nature and embrace neo-Luddism.
Or maybe all these people are trying to profit out of the misery and death and chaos created by shifting global climate patterns.
Remember, folks. When you think a hemisphere-spanning event relates specifically to you, that’s called “rampant narcissism,” otherwise known as “votes Republican.”
Hey, the End is here, right? Might as well jump on the bandwagon. Millions will be left behind, and if you’re the sort of person that likes to have people listen to him or her, this is your chance to shine.
If you’ve got access to a fortified position, plenty of water, and food, you could easily attract looters of all sorts, but why not beat them to the punch by claiming to hear messages from on high and draw some easily-duped fools to perform your every whim? On this one, I’m a bit screwed since water’s already pretty scarce and I live in an apartment, but the rest of you that may live near lakes and rivers and have plenty of firepower can certainly try it out.
All you have to do is be vague enough to people believe what you say is prophesy. If it comes true, it’s divine inspiration. If it doesn’t, it’s a metaphor. Just make it work. Come up with some words and phrases you can all use to mark yourselves as different form the rest of the world. Don’t take crap from anyone and, if someone steps out of line, just threaten to give them to the cannibalistic hordes outside the compound walls.
This one’s for the ambitious, but for the rest of us…
If you have any survival instincts or even camping experience, you can certainly become a walker in the waste. Pack up whatever essentials you may need and start your trip through what will soon be the Empty States of America. You don’t necessarily have to walk, either. Grab a car or, for that extra apolalicious twist, a motorcycle.
Be classy about it…
Get plenty of weapons, food, and supplies. just think of it as a long camping trip. You only have to think a few months ahead, too. We won’t even make it to 2012 if these guys are right.
Personally, I’m all for going to raid the local Academy sporting goods store, stock up on the essentials, and take that cross-country trip I always wanted. Might as well see the sights before October when God himself takes it all back, right? It won’t be some wild, reclaimed landscape, but I’d like to see the major sites. Of course, this could lead to all sorts of shenanigans and adventures, too.
Yay for post-Apocalyptic hijinks!
Eat It Like It Makes You Immortal
We’re all going to kick it in a few months, right? Raid that grocery store and liquor store! If you’re going to put on a few pounds or develop an alcohol addiction, this is the time. Why not spend the last few months in a haze of booze and sugar highs?
Personally, raiding the local Feldman’s and grabbing the $13,000 booze is going to be my goal once everything goes legs up. If I’m going to watch civilization consume itself in an orgy of violence and decadence, I’m going to need some good tequila.
On that same note, grab every movie and TV show you ever wanted to watch but couldn’t. You’ve got time now. I’m going to sit down and go through every season of the original Star Trek, all of Battlestar Galactica, and every Rifftrax I can get.
You’ll have to pace yourself, though. You don’t want to go through the whole thing in one sitting or you won’t be around for October’s big finale.
Play Like a Boss
Safety features? Rules? Why bother? Play the most violent sport you can find with a reasonable chance of survival. Russian Roulette is right out, but something like this might do:
Why not drag-race down the newly-abandoned superhighways? Bungee jump from the Golden Gate Bridge? Play golf in downtown Manhattan and paintball in the streets of LA? It’s all free game now.
Hey, let’s play polo, but with trucks! Hell, you could run the longest D&D game of all time! I’d be up for that. I’d run a game so long and complex that… hey! I could run the World’s Largest Dungeon! Finally, an excuse to stay awake for a week straight, then two more months!
Come October, everything will end. Do whatever you want in the next few months, but in the end, pick a spot with a good view. Most of your major hotels and office buildings will do. Get something that will let you look out into the world one last time and bask in the glry of creation before God comes down and pushes the Off Switch…
If you’re like me and have people you care about, people you love and love you back, make the most of this time.
It’s very telling whenever someone says the end is coming. If you think your end is near, that you will soon leave this world, your priorities change. You focus on the things that truly matter. Me? I’ll stay with the people I love, read the books I never got to read, and keep writing until I can’t. Then, I’ll throw one big party and watch the world go boom with them at my side.
This week marks the anniversary of Jim Henson’s death. I actually learned English with Sesame Street workbooks and learned to love storytelling by watching the Muppets. Nothing will ever replace him, and I thought the world was going to end when Jim left us so many years ago…
Ann Coulter may laugh when someone brings up racism since she believes racism no longer exists. It’s possible to say that we’ve cleared away a lot of the old racism, but racism is still here. Yes, we elected a black president, but that gets rid of racism much like going to college means you develop common sense.
It just doesn’t happen.
The wave of Islamophobia moving across the country, everything from the Park51 project, to the vandalized mosques across the country, and even to the new “high birther” comments from Mike “Selective Outrage” Huckabee, show that racism is alive and well. We once targeted Catholics, the Irish, and Jews, and blamed the country’s problems on minority groups with little to no representation or way to get their message out.
And if you think Islamophobia is just a legitimate concern over real terrorism, then please explain this video.
In case you skipped it, we now have video of two state representatives saying, among other things, that they would be willing to let Muslims go to paradise by force (do I have to spell it out) and that they were proud of the protestors.
Yes, I can see how you would be proud of protestors heckling and shouting insults at women and children a worthy cause.
Women and children… This was a fundraiser to build a women’s shelter and help the poor. Now, granted, one of the speakers was linked to the 1993 WTC bombings and has some anti-Semitic viewpoints, but does that taint the entire group?
I know Mexicans who would love to invade Texas. Does that make me dangerous radical because I too hail from the land of tequila?
Of course not. My anarcho-humanist tendencies and the fact that I know how to build an A-bomb with smoke detectors is what makes me dangerous.
And for the twelve federal agencies monitoring internet content, that last line was a joke.
Watch that video again. Multiculturalism is bad. Islam is bad. Muslims all support terrorism. Muslim men beat their wives. Muslims are pedophiles. Death is the only solution.
This is the mentality of the Far Right, but it’s only because the Far Right doesn’t mind being exposed. It doesn’t care what others think of it. There are people who espouse similar beliefs and cloak them under the guise of academics and logic.
And finally, I am not a fan of Apple products in general. I like iTunes and my iPod. That’s about it. And yes, I’ve worked on Macbooks and used Apple products for work. Don’t like them. Don’t like the iPad, so I really got a kick out of this little video… Anyway, I’ll see you Friday. Keep sharing links, folks!