Mar 062012
 

"I think my penis is THIS big."

March 6, 2012

Over the last month or so, I’ve pretty much dropped off the map… and managed to miss the BIGGEST clusterfrak in the history of the GOP. Ever. The whole debacle with Limbaugh and contraception and the hearings with nothing but men talking about ovaries when none of the have been near a vagina since birth…

It’s like when I missed meeting R. L. Stein because I had to work on Saturday. Only worse. And this involves vaginas.

Enough has been said on Current, The Young Turks, Maddow, and everywhere else. Let me just say this.

If you identify as a Republican, please consider that the man who called a woman a slut, a prostitute, a whore, is the de-facto leader of your party. Your political leaders are afraid of him. Even after he mischaracterized birth control and insulted a young woman for wanting nothing more than for her health insurance to cover a medicine that helps balance hormones, he stuck to his guns and insulted her character, insulted women, and made his case that femenists are nothing more than man-hating harpies. Insurance companies, after all, cover things like erectile dysfunction, so why not birth control pills?

An erection, after all, has no point other than to bone. Let us now use bone as a verb…

If a man is allowed to bone on insurance money, why can’t a woman receive a medicine that helps balance hormones and prevents a battalion’s worth of medical problems without being called a slut and a prostitute? GOP candidates were unsurprisingly soft on Limbaugh regarding his statements and subsequent non-apology.

Maybe they need erectile dysfunction medicine for the spine.

Ladies, you don’t deserve this. Limbaugh is not a man. He is a semblance of a person made of oxycotin and lard. He is a man-child who would not know how to treat a woman if you showed him a manual written by the combined forces of 3 billion women. He is everything that is wrong with the Republican Party. He is a misogynistic, racist piece of crap that deserves no pity. Once he is gone, conservative Americans might actually be able to move past this windbag’s rants and actually say something substantial.

As much as I rail against the GOP, it’s not that conservatism by itself is a bad thing. Holding on and remembering the past is a good thing. I think the past should be looked at fondly, but it should not be the only thing that matters. Conservatives of old might have had some points, but today’s GOP is run by Fox, Limbaugh, and the voices of unrelenting hatred.

Maybe this vitriol, as painful as it was, will serve to topple that trinity of evil conservatism.

With that in mind, here’s a video of our medicated puppy trying to get through the day.

Dec 092011
 

I approve this message.

December 9, 2011

I hate Rick Perry, but he can always be counted on to follow in Dubya’s footsteps and say something utterly stupid.

Behold.

Even though Fox recently declared victory on the War on Christmas, they’re not letting up. After all, not everyone is saying “Merry Christmas” and schools are getting rid of Christmas parties during school. People keep insisting on calling Christmas Trees “holiday trees.” Next thing you know, Obama will order NORAD to track Santa and shoot the fat bastard out of the sky when he flies over restricted airspace.

However, Perry is about as honest as he is pro-gay.

Students are not being banned from celebrating Christmas. Schools are moving celebrations to afterschool activities so as not to cut into precious classroom time. Trust me. Every minute counts when you have to teach kids. It’s a matter of priorities. What is more important for children? Getting to sing Christmas carols during school or actually getting an education and having the party AFTER school?


Happy Holidays by ~TheCass on deviantART

Kids are NOT being banned from celebrating Christmas. The school has no authority over what religion they practice outside of the classroom, but the school DOES have a responsibility to teach children. And guess what? You CAN pray in school. Oh yes. If a school ever banned someone from praying, it would get in trouble with the ACLU and the whole alphabet soup. The thing conservatives are mad about is the ban on school SPONSORED prayer.

A school can’t make children pray or participate in religious-themed activities any more Congress can make its members start the day with prayer.

Oh wait, they do that already.

And it’s illegal. So are religious tests for public office, but that hasn’t stopped some states, including my own, from having them.

The War on Christmas should be renamed the “War for Christmas.” Conservatives want to make sure everyone follows their own brand of Christianity because if other faiths are allowed, that means NO one will want to be Christian, right? It’s kind of how making abortion legal made every woman want to get an abortion. Or how making same-sex marriage legal suddenly turned everyone gay in a couple of states.

Oh, right, that didn’t happen either.


Christmas Night. Magic scene with flying Santa by ~AlexandraF on deviantART

Just remember this. Whenever a conservative wines about a war on religion or a war on Christmas or Halloween or anything like that, it’s because conservatives have a very weird mind-set. If something is legal, then it must be mandatory. It’s why they’re so scared of gay marriage. Rick Perry seems to think gay sex will be mandatory and he won’t be able to put up a Christmas tree if the liberals get their way.

Hey, Perry? We’re okay with you celebrating Christmas. And you don’t have to have gay sex. Just, for the love of all things good and decent, shut the fuck up.

PS: Your own staff thought this was a terrible idea. Asshole.

Let’s enjoy a puppy fighting with an ice cube just to wash all that out of our heads, shall we?

Nov 122011
 
 November 12, 2011  Posted by at 9:30 am Divine by Zero Tagged with: , , , , , , , , , , , ,  2 Responses »

The things I do for science...

November 12, 2011

I tried making the spiced wine I wrote about a few days ago, and the results were… well, it wasn’t bad, but the process was a little more hectic than I thought it would be. And it wasn’t the recipe. It was the unwanted extra. Check it out, and don’t forget to keep sharing those links!

 

Nov 042011
 
 November 4, 2011  Posted by at 7:16 am Divine by Zero Tagged with: , , , , , , , , ,  2 Responses »

Episode 1: The Phantom Pooch.

Sort of. Check out the first test-run for the upcoming vlog and stay tuned after my ramblings to witness the terror that made me film about 30 minutes worth of footage just to make this short little video.

Sep 222011
 

I've heard this story before.

September 22, 2011

Yesterday, I introduced you to John Fleming, a Congressman who laments that he only has $400,000 left over after expenses for his business and other payments. It’s also after, according to his interview, he spends $200,000 to feed his children.

And just what, exactly does someone buy with a $200,000 annual grocery bill?

Groceries for 61 families for a year. On average, a family will spend around $3,240 annually.

571 Playstation 3’s. Of course, if he went to eBay…

Between 130 and 250 purebred puppies. Kids need puppies!

200 servings of Serendipity ice cream: gold leaf, infused with Madagascar vanilla, Amedei Porceleana chocolate (the world’s most espensive), chunks of rare Chuao chocolate, exotic candied fruits from Paris, gold dragets, truffles, Marzipan Cherries, a tiny glass bowl of Grand Passion Caviar, fresh passion fruit, orange and Armagnac. You’ll shit gold and class!


ice cream by ~vewolff on deviantART
5 mini-Porche cars for toddlers. No, really. These are functioning cars that go 5 mph.

7 pounds of solid gold. Because who doesn’t want to start his or her own pirate treasure pile?

He could pay for nine students to attend Columbia University at roughly $43,000 per student. Hey, college is expensive.

Fleming could buy 20,000 pounds of toothpaste or fill up with 57,000 gallons of gasoline.

He could pay the salaries of 25 part-time writing consultants at Texas A&M International University, or pay to have 12 full-time consultants hired.

Personally, I’d go with the 3-foot tall 1759 Bible. Why? It’s a book. It’s rare. I want it. If I didn’t have the space, I’d go with Washington’s letter.


Aged calligraphy 2 by ~yko-54 on deviantART

The point of this little venture into the world of things no one person could ever hope to own? This whole “class warfare” thing is a pile of crap. You can’t claim we’re hurting someone who has hundreds of thousands of dollars left after running a business, then claim that people who are visibly impoverished are somehow better off if we tax them more and take away the few resources they have to make their lives function.

The entire economic debate right now boils down to one question.

Do we tax those who can afford to give more and still be okay, or do we tax the people who have already been pushed to the brink of poverty and beyond?

My dad once told me, “I’d love to pay half a million dollars in taxes. I’d love to have that kind of money to just throw away.”

There are two levels of wealth. There is the amount of income you need to survive, and then you have the amount of income you need to be comfortable. If you get the two confused, you’re in trouble.

I’d love to have a tenth of what this guy gets as my FULL income. Don’t eat cake in front of hungry people, Fleming. It didn’t end well for Marie Antoinette, either.


Greed by =Liol on deviantART

 

 

 

 

 

Sep 082011
 
 September 8, 2011  Posted by at 12:01 am News Tagged with: , , , , , , , , , , , ,  No Responses »

September 8, 2011

I was going to put together Divine by Zero for today, but let me tell you a little story.

My sister has been out of town for a week, and Mary and I have been left alone with her faithful pup, Lucky. Lucky is a very sweet dog once she gets to know you and realizes you aren’t a threat. She’s all of 18 inches tall but has a powerful set of lungs. I love this dog. I really do…

And I wish she’d let me sleep!

This will be the third day I get less than three hours of sleep a night because Lucky barks, whines, and cries because she misses my sister. She gets on the bed, wanders between Mary and I, and generally keeps us up. I get it. Lucky’s young. She’s very attached and protective of my sister.

But I have class to teach! I need sleep! I can’t teach with one blood-shot eye!

So, while I’ll finally get some shut-eye tonight, I can’t even gather the energy to put together a picture for this post. In place of satire and righteous anger, please enjoy autotunning… for science!