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Nov 072011
 

This hurts. A lot.

November 7, 2011

Don’t make me do this. I don’t… I don’t want to defend Twilight. I really don’t. I don’t… I just don’t have it in me. It’s like asking me to like McDonald’s. The taste it leaves in my mouth would make it impossible for me to like food again.

Crap. Here we go…

Well… frack.

This gentleman went through the Wal-Mart book shelves and picked out all the witchcraft and evil influences on the shelves. He went so far as to point out to the rest of us heathens where to find the Bibles. And these were the real Bibles, the King James Version, not any of the other pagan versions. Seeing as how this fine Youtuber also believes in chem-trails and the government somehow squeezing the life out of him through roadside speedometers, I’m going to guess he’s not the most balanced of folks, but, alas, I will answer his concerns.


- BrainWash - by ~NeonThingy on deviantART

0:24-0:32 “My young daughter is already brainwashed to say ‘Elmo’ when she sees that stupid ass…”

Dude! The kids are right there. For a guy who is trying to raise his kids right, you seem to swear a bit when trying to show your kids the Christian path. Not that there’s anything wrong with swearing but, if I may… you’re going after Elmo.

I happen to like Sesame Street. Tread carefully, my friend.

0:36-0:52 – “Got the stupid cheesy stuff: Sponge-Bob, queer stuff… and of course you get to this section. Yup, it’s still all Wiccan vampire stuff.”

Wiccan vampire stuff? I’m sorry, but I think I missed the part where faerie-like vampires engaged in a story of love and romance went anywhere near Wiccan territory. First of all, the vamps in Twilight have nothing to do with the European concept of vampirism. In fact, they’re closer to faeries.

Second of all, a close reading of the text actually shows Mormon influence, not Wiccan. I’m not sure how many Wiccans would be romanced by the strong male figure who pretty much demands he control every aspect of the female’s life as the female is nothing but a passive force in the universe. But moving on…


Twilight: Scholastic Edition by *otherwise on deviantART

1:01-1:04 – “I should buy this just to burn it… Other books by the same pervert. What’s that triangle object right there?!”

Here, our intrepid investigator is referring to a number of novels by the same author and a strange triangle symbol on the bar code. What could it mean?! Is the government monitoring your reading habits?!

Actually, the triangle is just an aid so the barcode has an easier time scanning the code.

Moving on to the main point, though, what would buying, then burning the book, get you? You bought it, gave money to the author, and you put this video out claiming you burned it. You’ve just given cash and free publicity to the author. Do you know what happens when parents and adults say something should not be read and burned instead?

Kids want to do it. Good luck with that. Oh, and I’m sure when your kids rebel and want to piss you off, that little Bible-burning picnic they set up based on your example will go over really nicely-like.

1:29-1:35 – “This is what is given for kids to read these days.”

Were libraries outlawed in the time it took me to watch this video?

Sir, these are not the only choices kids have. I know you think the government is a socialistic Anti-Christ hell-bent on brainwashing your kids, but we have these things called libraries that have thousands of books for them to read. Since you have access to Youtube, I’m going to assume you also have access to Amazon and can order books. Even used books only cost a few cents if you shop right.

Wal-Mart sells what is popular, not the only things out on the market. I know some books are out of print, but that doesn’t mean you couldn’t find them if you took more than five minutes out of your busy day of identifying chem-trails to look for suitable reading material for your kids.

It’s called being a parent. Wal-Mart is not known as a literary destination for a reason. It sells romance novels and pop vampire romance novels right now because that’s what sells. Don’t like it? Don’t buy it. It’s called capitalism. Anyone who wants to read actual literature or something not written and published without editing will look further than the shelves at Wal-Mart.


GAY PRIDE by =AngelXKairi on deviantART

2:00 -2:04 – “Oh, it’s still got Twilight, which is really gay.”

This will be the second “gay” reference you make this video. Is “gay” a bad thing? Seeing as how you seem to be the kind of guy who would beat up a teen just because he likes choir, let me let you in on a secret.

Using “gay” as a derogatory tells me volumes of your mind-set. It’s like saying, “Oh my god, that’s so black and ghetto,” or “That is such a Jew line.” You’re a bigot. You’re intolerant of others. You have none of the so-called love of Christ in your heart.

Asshole.

2:14-2:30 – “This is the garbage… this is the choice for your thirteen year old here at Wal-Mart. And then when they grow up they can read all these other useless novels.”

Again, if you’re looking to Wal-Mart to provide literary stimulation, you’re out of luck. There is this wonderful thing called the internet. I know you think it’s full of porn and federal agents trying to suck your soul out of the magic computer box, but there’s this thing called Project Guttenberg. They have thousands of free books. I know that sounds kind of socialist, but they’re classic tales.

If you want quality reading for your teens, pick up a good collection of poetry or some classic literature. If Wal-Mart dictates your reading choices, I’d hate to think what it does to your diet.

3:00-3:31 – Opens package with King James Bible to “inspect it.”

…Did you just ask your daughter to open a package in a store? That’s stealing, isn’t it? Well, it’s against the evil Satanic store selling vampire novels, so it’s okay, right? You couldn’t put the camera down for five seconds and do it yourself? You had to teach your daughter it was okay to tamper with products that aren’t yours?


MINECRAFT IS EVIL by *TomPreston on deviantART

4:10-4:14 – He quotes a Bible verse instructing the faithful to “put down” those who worship differently.

And this is the scary part of the video. It’s righteous to “put down” those who worship differently?

People wonder why Christians get such a bad rep. If I may quote the poet Marilyn Manson, “I never really hated a one true god, but the god of the people that I hated.”

You’re going out there and advocating book burning, killing those who believe in things you don’t, showing your daughter that it’s okay to steal and hate those who are different, and you think Wal-Mart offers the only choices when it comes to your reading list.

Well, I hope those kids learn to become productive members of society despite your lessons. You’re a paranoid fundamentalist who probably votes based on what the little voice in your head tells you. You most likely think Fox is too liberal and you own six types of guns on the off-chance someone tries to correct you.

Liberals and free-thinkers are “target practice” where you live, aren’t they?

And once more, in case I didn’t make myself clear…

You’re an asshole.

And now, a look at a real conservative for America.

Jul 212011
 

July 21, 2011

The voting is coming along nicely both here and on Facebook! keep going, guys. And when you’re done, please help yourself to a link or two. They’re on me.

I know, I know. I spoil you guys.

  • And speaking of things that are fun and bring us joy, every time a new harry Potter movie or book comes out, without fail, we get the psychos. Pat Robertson is already out in full force, but this gentleman takes the cake. Yeah, he’s a comedian, but the scary thing is that I’ve heard people who talk like him.
  • Rick Perry, possible GOP presidential candidate, started out as a Democrat. Hey, it IS Texas. He probably switched because they use liberals for target practice down here.
  • The Amazing Spider-Man is coming out next year, and we’ve already been treated to a blurry teaser filmed in a movie studio. That doesn’t mean we can’t look back on the old cartoon and guess at the kinds of things we can expect from a darker take on our favorite web-slinger.
  • Speaking of airheads, here’s Palin TRYING to look sexy. The result is akin to a mildly retarded beagle thinking it’s a ballerina.
  • And on the heels of the last article, Jon Stewart addresses Fox’s handling of the hacking scandal. See you Friday, folks, and keep voting!
Apr 222011
 

Her will be done! Even if her will is bat-shit crazy costumes!

April 22, 2011

(Sigh)

Here we go again. You know, I respect Lady Gaga for doing something outrageous and performing well, though I’m still up in the air as to whether she’s stealing from Madonna, but could the Right Wing PLEASE stop using her as some sort of moral barometer? For that matter, stop taking pop culture as a sign of the End Times.

The Meat-Wearing One released a new song, “Judas,” that she sings as Mary Magdalene. The lyrics are found here, and you can hear the song by clicking the video below.

Let me start by saying that I cannot listen to this song more than three times because the music’s just… ear-splittingly horrible.

But let’s look at the lyrics for a second. It’s basically a love song to Judas Iscariot. Okay. Weirder things have been done in the name of art. And who was Judas Iscariot? Why, he was only the man responsible for the greatest betrayal in all of Christian teaching! He kissed our Lord Jesus Christ and sentenced him to death. How DARE she sing a song, as a harlot no less, to the man who killed Jesus?

Well, it’s more complicated than that.

If you believe that Jesus was prophesized to die, that his death was needed to save the world, then I propose that Judas was nothing more than a patsy. Judas was framed. Think about it. If this had to happen, if there was no way to avoid it, then he had no say in the matter and was therefore a victim just like Christ. Anyone would have fit the bill. In that sense, the lyrics touch upon the subject by having Mary Magdalene forgive Judas and apparently love him.

That’s not enough for some people. Cue Right Wing hysteria and outrage:

Oh, the number of things that are wrong with that statement… But first, let me wash off after those last ten pseudo-pervy moments…

Lady Gaga does not have a problem with religion. As was stated in the interview, she’s exploring her own religious background. She’s not going after Muslims, as Donohue suggested, because she’s not deconstructing Islam. It’s the same reason I’m making Charcoal Streets a deconstruction of Hispanic Christian beliefs. That’s my background. I’m not about to use European mythology because, frankly, I’m only about one-eight French.

And someone else already cornered the faerie novel.

Donohue then laments that, while Gaga has talent, she’s part of a pattern of artists that seem to go after religion. Why, oh, why, won’t the artists leave him alone?!

Maybe it’s because, again, WE LIVE IN JESUS LAND. Look, I have my qualms with religion in general. And yes, I guess some of the things I say in Charcoal Streets could be applied to organized belief, but I’m targeting Christianity (and I can’t believe I’m writing this) much like Lady Gaga is looking at religion in her song.

We’re working with what we know.


Christianity by ~TechnoJon on deviantART

It gets even better when Donohue says that Christians don’t enjoy the protection of Muslims because Muslims will react violently if you mock or criticize their religion. Well, yes and no. While I concede that a lot, if not most, Muslims would be offended by something as supposedly innocent as an image of the Prophet, and I’ve explained why that’s actually a really stupid belief, that’s not the point. Just because members of another religion are willing to behead people for the slightest religious offense does not mean that ALL religions are off-limits.

Furthermore, the belief that artists don’t need to criticize religion really misses the point. It’s movie Imperial Stormtrooper-like accuracy. Of course artists need to go there. Hell, I LIVE there. Artists, as John Lennon said, point a mirror to society. That’s our job. If you don’t like what you see, close your eyes and be happy in the darkness.


::Art:: by ~10-GunShOTreSiDUe-01 on deviantART

You can’t lament that radical Muslims will kill you for criticism, then turn around and say you wish you had that kind of protection. You can’t lament that radical Islam has no tolerance, then complain that someone is looking at your religion through an artistic lens. This sums up the Right Wing’s stance to a T.

“Critique anything you want except my own beliefs and stances.”

Really classy.

Also… “You hang out with Bill Donohue, I’ll buy you a beer, honey, and maybe we can straighten you out.” Did anyone else feel dirty after hearing that? Like, “stepped in gum and had to clean it off with my fingernails” dirty?

Anyway, let’s get some links up in!

  • Just in time for Easter, check out the latest blog from the Cheezeburger network… Sketchy Bunnies!
  • Laredo, Texas has done some… interesting things in the past, but this little error in a sign on the loop is nigh inexcusable. Way to piss off the writer.
  • And finally, Weird Al is one of my personal heroes. He takes pop culture apart and gives us back comedy gold. It looks like Lady Gaga didn’t like his newest parody and so didn’t give him permission to use it… but she finally said yes! Take a listen to “Perform This Way,” which takes a few swipes the Gaga, but it’s all in good fun. Have a good Easter weekend and I’ll see you Monday.

Sep 222010
 

Are you a good witch, or a bad witch?

September 22, 2010

Christine O’Donnell may be the true spawn of Sarah Palin.

Seriously. This is a woman who’s made some very creative statements in the past several years, and now has become the Fox darling for a senate seat. It’s frightening that so many right-wingers are singing her praises and ignoring her, well, interesting opinions.

Did I mention she believes scientists are creating mice with human brains? Check out the link above.

One comment that’s brought her a lot of criticism, however, is her claim that, in high school, she dabbled in the occult and even had a date on a satanic altar. Check out this clip:

Okay, I’m not a pagan. I’m not a Wiccan. I’ve never participated in any religious ceremony that required me to be skyclad, and even I know what’s wrong with this picture.

Conservative Christians have a picture of witchcraft that differs greatly from the truth. In fact, what O’Donnell is describing above is so far from what a real witch would do that it’s laughable. It’s like claiming you’re really Mexican by saying you love Taco Bell.

Yeah, it’s like that.


Wicca by ~master-of-distortion on deviantART

Ten Thousand Flavors

It’s hard to really explain witchcraft since there isn’t anything like a unified set of beliefs or rules. Modern witchcraft is called many things by its practitioners. Some call it Wicca, others paganism, neo-paganism, or any number of things. Some take offense to certain names. Others claim theirs is the real faith.

Whatever. This isn’t a thesis on the subject. It’s an explanation of why O’Donnell has not and will never know witchcraft when she sees it. Let’s just get that out of the way. This is the five-minute primer.

Witchcraft ≠ Satanism

I already went into detail on everything that people usually get wrong when they talk about Satanism, but let’s recap. Overall, Satanists believe that the Devil, Satan, is a figure to emulate because he fought against the greatest power in the universe, God, and showed the power of individual thought. Most Satanists favor the kind of life where your own personal choices matter more than what some religion, any religion, says. That’s Satanism.

A Plot Hole the Size of a Buick

Here’s the point, though: nearly every Wiccan, witch, or pagan, whatever you want to call it, will agree on one part of this story. No witch would ever, EVER, have a picnic on his or her altar. That’d be like a Catholic making a sandwich with the Eucharist. Or a comic book fan using Action Comics #1 for scratch paper.

Yes, I know who first appeared in that issue. Do you?

Even if what she really should have said was “Satanist” instead of “witchcraft,” no Satanist, no person of any actual faith, would use an altar for a picnic.

Unless, of course, said person was as thick as O’Donnell here.


wicca by ~kawaiiKitteh on deviantART

One thing is clear: O’Donnell has never been a witch, at least a witch by any stretch of the modern definition. What she describes sounds like the kind of hyped-up things some kids do when they want to piss their parents off. They find some website and think they’re invoking the Great Adversary when all they’re really doing is lessening the local cat population.

She can call it whatever she wants. It wasn’t witchcraft.

And if you’re a pagan, or a witch, or… whatever you want to be called, you should be livid at this smear. Any chance anyone out there can just turn her into a toad for real? No?

Okay. Well, look at that… Randomology.org has a new target.

And I play rough with my toys.


Wiccan Rede by ~Beautifullycursed on deviantART

Okay, let’s see some links!

  • Bristol Palin on Dancing with the Stars? And she strips and does what appears to be a satire of conservatism? Go on…
  • Ever wonder why college girls kiss other girls at parties? Someone actually went out and funded a scientific study to find out. The results are actually very interesting from a purely scientific point of view.
  • Why can’t people making a quarter of a million dollars afford tax rates like those we had under Clinton, as this one-man brain trust tells it, the rich have a particular lifestyle and they can’t afford to live anyway else. All I kept thinking while reading this was, “Oh, so you’re a snob and can’t be bothered to make sacrifices because you’re living at the very limit of your means? Got it.”
  • And finally, here’s a few more gems from O’Donnell. And yes, she really does believe scientists are creating mice/ human hybrids.

May 142010
 

Pleased to meet you. Hope you guessed my name.

May 14, 2010

I rail against Beck… a lot… but it’s usually something to do with politics, religion, or basic common sense. Now, though, he’s infringing on literature. He’s gone against characterization and one of the oldest archetypes in Western writing. He’s gone after Lucifer himself.

You’re in my world now, Becky Boy.

Apparently, it’s not enough for him to twist quotes, reference debunked stories, or just make up stuff to discredit liberals and progressives. Now, it seems, we’re Satanists.

Time for literature class, boys and girls. Lucifer, Satan, the Devil, and even the words “demon” and “devil” all have wildly different meanings from what people usually think and all have a sordid history that could only be compared to a bad soap opera.

Not that there are “good” soap operas.

While the Devil has been portrayed as everything from the cunning trickster to the beautiful woman, these images have basis in both mythology and literature. Let’s go down the list.


Paradise Lost by ~SilentBeforeTheStorm on deviantART

Lucifer

“If the devil does not exist, and man has therefore created him, he has created him in his own image and likeness.”
-Fyodor Dostoevsky

Literately meaning “Light Bearer,” it was a title used both for Jesus and the planet Venus as it was one of the last stars visible in the morning and heralded the coming dawn, also giving rise to its alternate name “The Morning Star.”

The word itself is never used to refer to the being known as Satan in the New Testament, however.

In Isaiah 14:12, the Bible makes reference to the Babylonian king who oppressed the Israelites, saying, “How you are fallen from heaven, O Day Star, son of Dawn!” The metaphor to the king is that Venus also appears to try and rise above the other stars in the horizon, but never triumphed. And we all know how uppity Venus can get. Likewise, the Babylonian king would never be more powerful than God.

So… where’s Satan in all this?

The Bible was written over thousands of years by dozens of people. Eventually, you’re going to get some disconnect between the writers and the editors. Early Christian writers saw the reference to the Morning Star and applied the title to a fallen angel based on ancient pagan writings. Early Jewish lore was also filled with the concept of fallen angels, and one story in particular stuck out, one which some claim had an influence in passages in Revelation 12:7-10 where Satan is named as a fallen angel.

Basically, this boils down to the fact that Lucifer is never once mentioned in the Bible. He becomes, as you’ll see later, a literary character that fills a role for storytelling purposes.

In short, Lucifer is to Christianity as Star Wars/ Star Trek crossovers are to science fiction. Got it?


The Morning Star by ~RevolverWinds on deviantART

Satan

“The shadows of our own desires stand between us and our better angels, and thus their brightness is eclipsed.”
-Charles Dickens

Heaven has a hierarchy. Or at least, that’s one popular conception based on the Medieval Christian concept of the Angelic Choirs. It makes sense to put one of God’s helpers in such a system.

In the Bible, there are dozens of names for him, everything from the serpent, the deceiver, and the Book of Mark even names him as the one who tempted Christ in the desert. Satan (whose name means “Adversary”) is perhaps most prominent in the Bible in the book of Job where he points out Job, a devout man, to God and basically makes a wager with the Almighty Himself to see just how far a human’s devotion can go. We all know the story. God comes down and strikes down family, cattle, and curses Job with plagues and boils and every disease you’d get from a bad Spring Break.

However, Satan is not a devil in the story, never mind THE Devil. He is an angel, one of the Heavenly Host. He doesn’t even do anything to Job. That’s God’s doing.

Satan didn’t really become prominent until the Middle Ages and the New Testament. By this time, Satan had goat-like features as an attempt to turn pagan religions into something evil. Many depictions during this time are combinations of descriptions of Dionysus, Pan, Selene, and other horned creatures.

Slowly, Satan was merged with the idea of Lucifer, of the fallen angel, until we get some of the archetypal Satan stories: Paradise Lost and Dante Alighieri’s The Divine Comedy, specifically Inferno.

We also learn through this literature and later writings that Hell has a system of keeping track of its assets: Circles. It’s not just Heaven that has a hierarchy, you know. Hell has to have one too, and all you little sinners and pagans are going to your own reserved Circle for eternal punishment. It’s like a reservation at Motel 6. Except you’re going to boil in urine and blood.

Okay, so it IS like staying at Motel 6.

In Paradise Lost, Satan is cast as a tragic villain, an angel who must pay for eternity for a single act of hubris. It is perhaps one of the most sympathetic depictions of the character in Western literature. While depressed over his expulsion from Heaven, Satan is nonetheless a cunning former angel who can manipulate humanity to sin and force the armies of Heaven to organize against God. He’s kind of like a superpowered Karl Rove.

Dante’s Satan, on the other hand, is almost the opposite. Despite the recent video game’s depiction of the Great Adversary, Dante’s Satan is almost a blubbering monster forever encased in ice and nearly powerless. He’s like a kicked and abused dog… except a dog that’s the size of a skyscraper and must be half-entombed in ice frozen from his own tears to keep him from breaking free.


Angel by ~H4ch3 on deviantART

The War in Heaven

“I charge thee, fling away ambition: by that sin fell the angels.”
-William Shakespear, Henry VIII

Not much to say here except that the War in Heaven is alluded to in Revelations and apparently takes place at the End Times, not shortly after creation like most people think. Adding Satan and his fallen angels to the story of creation was a bit of a retcon on the part of theologians.

That’s pretty much it.


The War in Heaven by ~Abi909 on deviantART

Devils and Demons

“We may not pay Satan reverence, for that would be indiscreet, but we can at least respect his talents.”
-Mark Twain

The word “devil” comes form the Greek diabolas, which means “to throw across, slander,” while “demon” comes from the Greek word “daemon,” which means “spirit.” Demons only became the Devil’s helpers and minions in later Christian mythology.

However, “devil” has a complex history. The root for “devil” is the same as the Hindu-Buddhist term deve, which is roughly approximate to “angel.” Like angels, devils had many types. In early Greek mythology, devils were spirits that could be good or bad, but didn’t need to be either one by default. They were like fey. Christianity changed it later. According to one version of the War on Heaven, those angels who refused to fight for God were banished to punish the souls of sinners in Hell, though they remained angels.

In other words, Hell is staffed with angels, not demons. It’s just another department in the great office that is reality.

Think they get coffee breaks?


Commission – Laurence Strider by =RinAvenue on deviantART

Satanism

“One’s religion is whatever he is most interested in.”
-J. M. Barrie

Let’s get a few quick things out of the way. The pentagram and the pentacle are two separate symbols. If the star points up, it is a pagan symbol that stands for many things, among them four elements and the soul or even the wounds Christ suffered on the cross. Point down, it’s usually a representation of Baphomet, a supposed goat deity that is, like Lucifer and Satan, a pastiche of various bits of lore and mythology and is associated with dark magic.

Baphomet has as much to do with the Christian Devil as nuclear weapons have to do with the American Civil War.

On a side-note, dark magic and magic in general are typically associated with Satanism because anything not associated with God is viewed as being of the devil.

Satanists are a lot like Christians. You’ve got the ones that are members and live their lives like normal people, and then you have the people who are REALLY into it. For most people who describe themselves as Satanists, it usually involves the rebellion against God and traditional Christian values.

Then you have LaVeyan Satanism, which is an atheistic Satanism. Created by Anton LeVey, this belief system teaches that Satan is a figure, an aspiration, not a real being. Humans are their own gods and must live accordingly, not suppressing carnal desires, but embracing them. They also hold on to the belief that, if the gods are created by humans, then to worship a god is to worship the human that created it, and this to them is subjugation.


Baphomet Jr by ~leviathan218 on deviantART

So there you go. A quick primer on Lucifer, Satan, and assorted horned things. It’s actually a LOT more convoluted than this. Satan was renamed Lucifer after a metaphor involving a Babylonian king, then mixed with an Abrahamic legend regarding fallen angels and pagan goat deities… but that just barely scratches the surface. There are dozens of contradicting stories regarding all these creatures and it would take years to untangle them.

Personally, I think the Stones gave the Devil too much credit.

Short version? Glenn, you’re an idiot. And yes, if it will scare you, the devil made me do it.