The Church of Beck

It's an Armageddon sale and everything MUST GO!

August 30, 2010

It happened. Glenn Beck has a legion of black-clad priests to do his bidding and spread his message. The Cult of Beck is here.

Seriously. The only thing missing from this Saturday’s Beckapolooza, aka Restoring Honor, was kool-aid for all and a promise that the spaceship would soon arrive to take everyone home to the comet where Jesus lives with the seven dwarves. It was fairly tame by most expectations: no signs, no calls for blood, no racism (at least from the speakers), etc. In a nutshell it was, “We need more God, STAT!” That was it. That was the message. That’s what all the hype turned into. No miracles. No great revelations. Nothing. Beck even backtracked on his comments that he was “reclaiming” the Civil Rights Movement. Now he says he only agrees with SOME of the movement’s philosophies.

God Help Us by ~mattthegreat1313 on deviantART

But something stuck out. Beck announced he was recreating the Black Robe Regiment. Who are the members of the Black Robe Regiment?

Glad you asked.

Back in the Revolutionary War, these were preachers who would go up and preach in favor of certain political issues. Think of them as “preachers for America.”

And why is Beck bringing back this group?

The same reason he’s bringing back badges of honor, revisionist history, and connections between his crusade/ promotion and Dr. King: it serves his purpose. Here’s the kicker, though. Now, instead of just having fake professors teaching at a fake university or using his show to spout lies, he’s going one step further than even fear-mongering.

He’s targeting people’s souls.

I have lost my soul by ~korinoryu on deviantART

The idea behind the Black Robe Regiment is simple: make people believe that the opinions of Beck and people like Beck are divinely inspired and mandated by Jesus Christ and God, compatible with Judeo-Christian scripture, and the only solution to our problems. Beck himself has repeatedly said we must follow him or Armageddon would rain down on us.

And now he has clergy working for him. All Judeo-Christian, even if Beck insists they represent all faiths. These aren’t the people working at Beck U (oh, how do people not see the name is a not-so-subtle flip off?), but rather a group of preachers and holy men and women who Beck insist represent millions of people.

Let me stop him right now.

I don’t doubt the members of the Black Robe Regiment are members of major denominations, but they do not speak for every member of their faith, just like radical Islam does not speak for all of Islam. They speak for Beck because they’ve bought into his condemnation of liberation theology and social justice. They’re with him because he has money to pay.

They’re the money sellers in the temple, and if you’re Christian, you should be livid at these folks.

Beck keeps saying that America wants truth, even if it hurts. There are far, FAR too many examples of his dishonesty even for this site. If I typed for three days straight, I wouldn’t be able to cover a single episode of his radio or television show, so let me just say this:

If Beck wants to make this Biblical, fine. I’ll play.

And I’m old school.

oLD sCHoOl gAMinG 2… by ~uNDer3fOLdinGstARs on deviantART

Beck, if you’re reading this, and I sincerely hope you are, let me enlighten you as to how you inject fear into the hearts of your enemies. If you want truth, I’ll bring you truth.

I’m the snake in the garden.

I’m the happy sin that gives humanity knowledge.

You want to be Martin Luther King Jr.? Great. I’m the devil himself. I’m Lucifer. I’m a daemon. The Great Enemy. I’m one in a legion of people across the country who want to see you fail and want to show people the light.

We believe that America was imperfect, but it can be made better. We believe religion has no role in government. We believe every man and woman has the right to say what they wish, worship how they choose if at all, and that progress makes us a better nation.

Temptation by ~Island-Wolf on deviantART

If you want biblical, I’ll get biblical. Even if you claim to think that mixing religion and politics is a bad idea, that’s exactly what you’re doing. Make yourself an angel, an envoy of God, and you’ll fall. Hell, you’re going to give out those ridiculous merit badges for honor and you’ve made reference to your cause being divine. I could make an excellent case for you being the Anti-Christ.

But I won’t. Don’t believe in it, although the imagery is nice.

This is what we have to look forward to now, folks. Beck-approved clergy. I will gladly be the serpent in the garden for this. I will play that role.

Link time!

  • For anyone who still thinks Liberation Theology is about Marxism, please read this article that explains its roots and what it really means outside of Beck-Land.
  • Like I mentioned before, Amanda Palmer will be in Cabaret. Check out this article outlining her first forays into entertainment. It also has, as Neil Gaiman pointed out in his Twitter feed, one of the worst headlines ever.
  • What happens when you leave a McDonald’s burger out for weeks? It looks the same. A friend of mine tried this back in high school and got the same results, or so he said. I didn’t believe him until I saw this.
  • This video has all the makings of a FailBlog entry, except these guys are really athletic and do a great job jumping from walls to roofs and back. However, wait until the very last jump… it’s not a lack of physicality that got the last runner in trouble. It was not seeing the drop.
  • And finally, in a weekend filled with FAIL, here’s a look at people who failed just a little more than the rest of us. Enjoy your Monday and I’ll see you here on Wednesday or on the Facebook page!