Divine by Zero: Starbuck vs. Werewolves and the Drummer from Hell

June 3, 2010

Welcome, Randomologists. I’d like to also extend a warm welcome to the many new readers that have joined in the last three days. Folks, welcome to the madness. You’re now in a pit of semi-controlled chaos held together by delusion and paranoia.

Tell your friends!

Links off the starboard bow!

  • Katee Sackhoff showed that a woman doesn’t have to look like a stick to be sexy, and in Battlestar Galactica, she showed she could also act. Now, she’s going to star in a horror movie called Growl. I kid you not, it’s about an underground fight club that runs into werewolves. Kiefer Sutherland is also in talks to participate. It sounds so ridiculous, it’s GOT to be awesome.
  • Anyone else watch Thundercats as a kid? Well, the studio that did Batman: Gotham Knights and The Animatrix is giving Lion-O and the rest an anime make-over next year. Check out the teaser poster. Personally, I’m teetering between fear that this will be another 80’s love of mine ripped to shreds ala Transformers or the hope that this may be epic.
  • Have you or a loved one been abducted by aliens? No need to fear! This handy-dandy website offers instructions on how to build a telepathy-proof cap. It also has tips on how to kill implanted alien embryos and fight a telepathic war. I only wish it was a parody and not dead serious…
  • Remember Star Wars Kid? Yeah, oh how we laughed… Well, he’s lost the weight, is working on his law degree, and runs a cultural conservation society in his hometown of Trois-Rivières. So, no, he didn’t kill himself. In fact, other than jokes from his old high school mates, he’s doing pretty good for himself. Looks like being in court over the lawsuits against the kids who uploaded the video drove him to pursue law. Not a bad update on something so many of us laughed at… Now I feel kind of bad.
  • How can Patrick Stewart be ANY cooler? Well, how about achieving knighthood? That’s right. He is now Sir Patrick Stewart. He’s the captain of the Enterprise and closer to a Jedi than you or I will ever be. Bow in adoration to your new Man-God!

Patrick Stewart
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  • How’s this for closing the oil gushing into the Gulf of Mexico? Let’s just nuke the frakker.
  • It’s nice to know that, although a vast majority of Americans loathe Sarah Palin, she has the right to kill a reporter. At least, that’s the advice an Alaskan newspaper gave out. See, a writer recently moved next door and Palin’s gone off on how her family is now threatened. A local paper made th veiled threat that Palin has the right to “use of deadly force in protection of life and property.” Oh boy. If Alaska is anything like Texas, any flimsy excuse will do. Here, you pretty much have to step on someone’s grass and look at them in cock-eyed and you can get shot.
  • And finally, check out this drummer past the 1:00 mark. Do you get the feeling he’s in the wrong band?

  • Or for those wanting something more classical… how about some Lady Gaga performed in the classical tradition?

See you all tomorrow. Thanks for reading, and remember to link and share these stories if you like them! For tomorrow, I’m thinking we’ll discuss why it’s okay for your kid to be a loser. Seriously. Let the little brat go home crying.

Okay, maybe nothing that heartless. Still, it should be interesting.

Divine by Zero: Birthday Bras, High School Werewolves, and Army Brownies

Welcome once again to Divine by Zero, the only place where you can hear an anarchic liberal with a weird accent ramble about the crazy things in life. A few things came my way these past few days, and I have to give full blame for one of them to Stephenie Meyer.

  • First and foremost, happy birthday to the bra. Yesterday, the bra celebrated 100 years. Ladies, raise a toast for this wonderful piece of underwear. And gentlemen, also raise a toast to this wonderful piece of underwear.

  • The army released the recipe for brownies it uses to make these tasty treats for the troops… and it’s 26 pages long. Apparently, if you follow the directions exactly, you can make brownies that last for years. Anyone want to try this and comment below to tell us how they taste?
  • Science Daily released a report that states that exposure to certain bacteria can actually make you smarter. Specifically, exposure to something called mycobacterium vaccae, a bacteria found in soil, can boost learning ability. I don’t buy this report at all. How can you explain nerds’ increased brain-power? We RARELY go outside! Sunlight burns.
  • And once again my state proves it’s on a crazy race with Arizona. In San Antonio, police arrested a man who had decals on his car that marked him part of the sheriff’s department in Baxar County but in the nation of the Republic of Texas. Police are charging the man with false identification, not impersonating a police officer. Why not charge him with the latter? Because doing so would mean that Texas officially recognizes the existence of the Republic of Texas, a make-believe country some die-hard conservatives here believe is the rightful nation in these parts. They don’t believe the “official” state laws apply to them and so just pretend they’re citizens of this Republic. It’d be like investigating Fox News for improper journalism. That would imply they actually do journalism.
  • We don’t hear a lot of good stories about the oil spill in the Gulf, but an 11-year-old in New York named Olivia Bouler has raised thousands of dollars by selling her drawings. There’s even a Facebook page about it. This is great because it shows the impact a single person can make on something as massive as this, but it also upsets me that a little girl’s drawings of birds have more fans on Facebook than I do… I somehow feel my manhood has been threatened… She must be stopped.
  • Speaking of funny/ horrifying things having to do with the spill, did you know the government employees in charge of inspecting the drilling were watching porn, drinking, and doing meth? Oh, and they were taking bribes, were childhood friends of the people who owned the rigs, and very likely have to kill puppies to reach climax.
  • Speaking of children, two brain trusts decided to give their baby Pop Rocks. How did it go? Well… just watch. This kid looks like he just walked in on his parents making him a little brother when the candy pops or something.

  • Republicans, meet the internet. We’re crazy. House Republicans set up a website a few days ago called America Speaking Out. The goal was to have everyday Americans suggest the course for policy so they wouldn’t feel like the Republicans were ignoring reality. Unfortunately, when you ask the internet for advice, you get advice like this.

“End Child Labor Laws […] We coddle children too much. They need to spend their youth in the factories.”

“How about if Congress actually do thier job and VET or Usurper in Chief, Obama is NOT a Natural Born Citizen in any way […] That fake so called birth certificate is useless.”

“A ‘teacher’ told my child in class that dolphins were mammals and not fish! And the same thing about whales! We need TRADITIONAL VALUES in all areas of education. If it swims in the water, it is a FISH. Period! End of Story.”

“English is are official langauge. Anybody who ain’t speak it the RIGHT way should kicked out.”

  • And finally… I know Stephanie Meyers is behind this. Somehow. A new trend in San Antonio schools is for kids to identify themselves as “werewolves.” I’m not making this up. They wear collars and identify with wolves. You HAVE to see this video to believe I am not just making things up.

That’s it for today. Stay tuned tomorrow, because some idiots on Facebook are launching “Everybody Draw the Holocaust Day” in response to “Everybody Draw Mohammed Day.” I wish I could say I didn’t have to explain why this is wrong… but I do.

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